an insomniacs dream

this is the start of a book i am slowly writing. Not that great, but hopefully a good start to my writing career

Its 1 am and I can’t seem to get the hang of a normal sleeping pattern. But im normal right?

3 am, and im still wide awake, this isn’t working. My husband told me to simply count sheep, how can anyone possibly ‘simply count sheep’? That phrase is easier said than done. Not just in my opinion, but in every single f*****g insomniac’s opinion. I hate being different, if it was anything i ask for in life is to be a normal person. Not to win the lottery, marry Christian bale or travel the world. Just be normal. That’s a strange wish isn’t it? I miss dreaming, the last time id dreamt or actually slept was approximately 8 months ago. I feel almost dead, i don’t even feel pain anymore, im too used to it. That’s weird though isn’t it? I guess so, my husband thinks im weird. For example yesterday evening we were romantically sipping red wine under the stars on our brand new wooden deck and i suddenly got up, jumped off the deck and wildly ran across our long grassed garden. He asked me what i was doing and i said ‘I’m being a star,’

‘what on earth are you doing that for?’ he asked

‘stars are free aren’t they? They have such freedom that anyone would wish for. Its just that ive been wanting to feel like that for such a long time, just for 5 seconds. But you had to interrupt and ruin it for me didn’t you?’

He laughed, got up, jumped off the deck and walked to my side. ‘no one is free on this earth *****, we are forever trapped. So get used to it’

It wasn’t meant to be an insult, wasn’t meant to upset me. it was the truth. And we both knew that.

 

Monday

Dry eyes, looking up at our old, damp ceiling. I turn my stiffened neck to check the time. 5 01. Only one more hour until i ‘wake’ for another days work, i turn 180 degrees to check up on y normal sleeping husband. Who is obviously facing his back to me. We haven’t had sex in 4 months, which in mine, and my husband’s opinion is an extremely long time of no sex. It’s not his fault, its mine. I have not even felt sexually admired by him for so long, last time we shared intercourse was perhaps the nicest time, it was so spontaneous, which what makes it so special. Unexpected sex is easily the best. It is just so... Unexpected! I won’t go into too much detail but i was packing up my bags at school (I’m a history teacher before you start to think I’m some sort of ruthless student) and he suddenly barged into my classroom. No answers on how the hell he managed to sneak past the inquisitive receptionist, who has to know everyone’s business, and literally jumped on me. No words spoken, before or after the sex. We made eye contact though, but that’s what we always do, an internal discussion. We don’t need conversation, its already there. And, always will be. But that night he came into my classroom and made love to me on my second hand oak desk, made me realize that he’s still the daring, horny teenager he used to be. I found him again, and i wish it to happen one more time. In fact every time i pack away after school ends, i wait another 5 minutes for him to arrive for some more unplanned sex. It never happens, and perhaps never will again.

I awake my daydream to the sound of my alarm, god i hate that sound. Not really, thats what a normal person would say... and im not normal.

‘Stop it ****’’

‘Or what,’ i say teasingly

‘Or I’ll f*****g do it, what else ****?’

I failed to flirt, he really isn’t a morning person, I should have realized that by now. We have been married for over 5 years. I apologized and kissed his ear, I saw his goose bumps rise like thin mountains on his left arm and he stretched, which made me feel hope that he at least feels something.

‘ill make you blueberry pancakes if you want, i feel creative today,’ i say in confidence hell say yes, blueberry pancakes are his ultimate favourite.

‘i hate blueberries, since when have we eaten them?’

Oh. 

Author's Note

maybe some feedback? thanks for reading