Initial Thoughts

Writing exercise, expressing my thoughts.

Often I wonder, "What's the point in all of this?" of life, of me, going through another one of my downward spirals of emotions. Of me wishing I could make the world a better place. A world where we could all live and be at peace and work together to experience wonderful things. Sure I know I have to do something but what should I do? There are so many possibilities each with their pro’s and con’s. I would like to change the world with music. I would like to write a series of essays and story’s that introduce people to a whole new perspective and open people’s minds. I would like to invent things to better man-kind. I would like to change laws. I would like for the people of the world to be less dependent on social systems. I would like to see Earthlings expand their territory into the vastness of space. I would like to do a lot of things but where should I start? I can’t help but sit apart from the rest during my college classes, when I’m at the bar, when I’m surfing social media looking people out there that think like me. But then I ask myself, “Who am I really?” Some funny lookin’ black guy (black and Spanish with a touch of native American) that gives off this crazy energy. I can be a little bit socially awkward. I’m fairly intelligent and also independent. I guess I give off this “gangster vibe” that intimidates people but after enough experiences with ignorance and racism, “gangster mode” is forever on standby. I’ve spent the past 3 years as a “college kid”, struggling to maintain while pushing for this piece of paper that will hopefully put me in a higher pay grade. A degree that will better position me for success, something like getting another stripe put on my sleeve. But then I get so restless, so ungrateful, so impatient. I have all these ideas that swim through my head that I can’t act upon. Mostly, because I feel like I need money to do these things I would like to do. I don’t see a way around it. I feel like I’m trapped. How can I get out of this trap and do great things? Am I condemned to waiting? I know this latest chapter of my life is nearing a close but..?? A million questions of “what-if’s” and “then what”, Plan B’s and C’s look unattractive according to the original Plan. And then I stop and look out at the world and wonder, “How much time do I have?” The world is on edge in so many different ways while I sit here and stare at it, helpless in the wake of the apocalypse. What to do, I wonder, what to do.