Re: Selfish Thigns*

Dear Best Friend,

I don't know the things you are about to say. I'm terrified. 

I always feel two steps behind.

I'm telling myself she's just like this because she cares

That maybe she cares more than she lets on.

That maybe she's cold only because if she weren't it'd be real

and it'd hurt

and it'd change things?

I was right.

maybe im not so far behind

I wanted to be.

I too have some selfish things I want to say.

Sentiments I held back to shield us from pain.

I don't have the luxury or desire to have substances to loosen my lips but sincerity's 100% guaranteed 

I have never felt about someone the way I feel about you.

You have helped me discover new depths for caring that I never knew were possible

thank you, truly

I care so much I could give less of a s**t if you don't shower or clean your room or eat 1000 calorie mac and cheese.

That's you and I accept that.

It makes you, you and I wouldn't want to change that for anything. 

You are the one I care about.

I feel like you don't give me enough credit.

There are no prerequisites

no expectations

you are enough 

I'm giddy every time I plan to see you

and empty every time I leave

My heart picks up when you step closer

and aches when you're away

I smoke to help fill the void you make when you're gone

but its only a temporary fix

there isn't enough green in the world

or money in my bank account

You accept me. sharp, mean edges and all

I didn't think it was possible 

I still don't 

I still don't think I could possibly deserve it.

But still you seem to 

more and more

everyday.

and I'm in awe

that another mind

another person, so alive, so beautiful, so passionate, so kind, so alike  

could worry about me

That if i went to class or took too much addy or smoke too much green

it feels so good 

to know you're not alone

I only wish I can reciprocate it equally in kind.

But I know you have to focus on yourself

I care too much to be selfish

I'll put you ahead 

and put these feelings behind

I'll censor myself

restrain my thoughts

hold back my hands from holding you

avoid eye contact

maybe you'll notice

I'm really bad at it anyway

Nothings changed 

from yesterday to today

But something might 

down the line

we picked our path today

one where ours might diverge 

and maybe one day we''ll come back together 

I can dream 

can i?

Until then I

I will carry your baggage with me 

and you mine 

where ever 

 

 

Author's Note

Not rereading for flow, apologizes.
In response to:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/LindseyBost/1744145/