To Those I Failed to Love

I wrote this almost a year ago but recently updated it. I don’t post for any specific reason other than my own healing. I write to free emotions and feelings that are trapped in my mind.

Love. This word alone has so many emotions, contexts, and uses. It is, in my opinion that word that is used so much that it can very well lose its meaning and purpose.

Love has many definitions.

The first is an intense feeling of deep affection. This definition i believe is what most people think of when they think of love, though i have a hard time leaving this definition at just “deep affection”.

The second definition is a great interest of pleasure in something. This is when people tend to use this word extremely often. I love mornings, i love lukewarm coffee, i love a lot of things, but still this definition doesn’t quite settle it.

The third and final definition according to our dictionary is no longer a noun, but a verb. It is to feel a deep romantic or sexual attraction to someone. This is where, i believe, love gets damaged.

When we look up love in the Bible, we see God’s love, we see Jesus’s sacrifice, we see splendors and miracles and what i believe to be the true, selfless, meaning of love. We don’t see using “i love you” to get sex. We don’t see the word being thrown around at all, when the Bible uses love, it is meant for its full entirety, not to describe enjoyment or use of a person or thing.

When i think of love, i think of many things. I think of my parents, i think of my husband, i think of my daughter, and i also think of a smile. But when i stop and think of how i USED to think of love, it’s not too great.

I was born Demitria Leigh Nelson, and i was also born a hopeless romantic. From the time i can remember, i had crushes. I dreamed about my Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet. I dreamt of being 16 and going on my first date, and then maybe getting my first kiss. I dreamt of my wedding one day, and i dreamt of my future life, full of love and perfection.

As we all know, this world can be damaging to a hopeless romantic. I wanted all these things, and as goes human nature, i wanted them now.

When i was 12 i had my first boyfriend. My dad was livid. I met him, and i was intrigued. He annoyed me by barging into my voice lesson, but then i enjoyed it, and grew a crush, and thus began my almost decade of falling hopelessly for those who drove me crazy. My first boyfriend was completely innocent (dad if you’re reading this you might want to stop here).

When i was 13 i had my first kiss. I was at a dance party for kids my age, and he was dreamy. The kind of boy i thought was that of a prince, tall, dark hair, and beautiful blue eyes. He asked me to dance, and it was the first time i was touched and close to a boy. My head spun, and before i knew it he went in for a kiss. Tongue, slobber, and crushed expectations would be how i would describe my first kiss, and for so long i tried to forget it because my 14 year old boyfriend made it so. He convinced me it didn’t count (it did) and that he was my first and only kiss(he wasn’t)! But now, i feel happy about my first kiss, it was silly and funny to look back on.

When i was 14 i did not lose my virginity, it was not stolen from me like my first kiss way, i gave it away freely, willingly, and hopefully. When i was 14 i believed i was in love, and you know what, i was! As much as a 14 year old could possibly love, i did. And so i gave my heart, and then followed my body, and soon after my body, a my commitment to an anything but solid foundation. When you are 14 you think you know it all, you think you’re grown up. But, when you’re 14 you know nothing. Sure, you know love, to the slightest degree, and because it is such a small sliver of hope, you cling, you don’t let go loosely, and you certainly don’t doubt yourself.

When i was still 14 my boyfriend dumped me. He dumped me because my “friends” told him i cheated on him. This was the worst time of my then, young life. For the record, i did not cheat on him, my friend, who was a boy, gave me a ride home because i missed the bus. Nevertheless, he broke up with me and the only love and affection i ever knew, and thought i would ever need was gone. I threw myself into cheer and made friends and tried to distract myself. In not too long i was noticed by, wait for it... a SENIOR on my cheer team. What a rush. I was nervous, excited, and all the above, and remember, i truly thought i was an adult. We hung out, alone and inappropriately but it never amounted to much. One day, i remember it well, it was spirit week, we dressed up at cowgirls and cowboys, and i had a short jean skirt on and my cowgirl boots. Was my skirt too short? I wore it around him and perhaps it meant i “wanted it”. I did not, i wanted his attention, nothing more. Well he took more than my attention, and then the next day told all the seniors on the football team, including my ex boyfriend. I was so embarrassed and upset that i left the school, known as a “w***e”.

When i was 15 i allowed my ex back into my life, he apologized for calling me names, he said his friend had his phone not him. I didn’t believe him, but i let it go. And not long after i got bored, and left the “love of my life” to be with a 17 going on 18 year old MAN. I was whisked off my feet, and my longing for a Prince Charming, i believed was fulfilled. He could drive, he could vote, he knew what he was doing, and he taught me a lot about family, about relationships, and about sex. But at 18, he could also enlist and fly far away from my young, 15 year old grasp. And just like that, he was gone and i was lonely, and bored again. My wandering heart wandered elsewhere, not to a specific destination, but to anywhere i believed the grass could be greener. By the time he got back, my heart already belonged to pursuit, pursuit of anything but him. And so, left him. I left the man who i do believe loved me, for the pursuit of greener grass.

When i was 16 i decided i needed “better”. I joined Young Life and it was truly one of the best decisions i ever made. I grew closer to God, i met mentors who loved for my past and guided me to a future! I was thriving! But not long enough to forget that my heart, although i wanted to give it to God, still belonged to that pursuit of something “better”. And there was the next boy, WyldLife leader, kind hearted, and my friend, bingo. We both decided we didn’t want to have sex. I was so excited about my newfound purity and believed i surly would be pleasing God. That was before movie day at his house. I thought sex was out of the question, but when he kissed me and his hands traveled below my waistline, i was wrong. Although my body wanted it, my heart was hurt and confused. I was trying so hard to honor my new found purity, and although we didn’t have “sex” we were not pure. When i was 16 i left him and decided i deserved better.

When i was 16 i believed better was my first boyfriend.... again. And i left my young life boyfriend on a whim, breaking his heart, for the angry boy i once loved. Believe me, he was still angry, but he was older, and a far better manipulator. He made me believe every word from his mouth, and he made me ignore all the warning signs. I didn’t notice my friends hated him, i didn’t notice he convinced me to stop going to Young Life as much, i didn’t notice my dad despised him, and i didn’t notice the damage on my heart as i ignored all these warnings. What he made me believe, was that this was true love, that what’s meant to be will always come together, and i believed him. I believed the fighting, the crying, the anger, was passion, and that since we loved each other so much, it drove us to be “crazy in love” enough to yell at each other, and punch holes through doors and walls. I loved him so much, i thought, that i burned everything he gifted to me, because i couldn’t stand it anymore. Does that sound like love to you?

When i was 17 i noticed him. I had met him before, but he was taken and so was i at the time. I never thought to look his way. But then, in anatomy and physiology (go figure) he caught my attention. He would walk over to my desk, and i would hide the pictures of my boyfriend on my binder. He would stop me from leaving the school parking lot just to say hi and compliment me on my bright pink cheetah seat covers. And before i knew it, i was lying to my boyfriend and going to the new boy’s football games, wearing his varsity jacket. When i was 17 i left my toxic relationship, and instead of giving myself time to heal, i jumped straight into the arms of the anatomy boy.

When i was 17 i learned a lot. For the first time my boyfriend’s family loved me, i learned the anatomy of “in law” i guess you could say relationships. For the first time i was free to make my choices, my parents moved to North Dakota, and i stayed in Arizona while he taught me anatomy. He taught me how to embrace myself, and how to let loose. We had fantastic times together, but at 17 we had no idea how hard life would hit us.

When i was 18 i was in college. My college boyfriend was the same boyfriend from anatomy class. We were happy, embarking on a new journey together. It didn’t take long for my wandering eyes and spirit to start looking for “better” again. My anatomy boy began making poor choices, as any 18 year old does, and i made my poor choices of my own, including judging him for those choices and leaving his heart in two.

When i was 18 i ran into my long time friend, lets call him light, because in more ways than one he was and continued to be a light. He was such a great friend to me that i decided why not? Lights grass must be greener. He brought me back to young life, he brought me back to kind friendships, and most importantly he tried bringing me back to sexual purity. He was saving himself for marriage, including his first kiss. At 18 i thought i could follow in his footsteps of purity, but instead i just drug him down with me. He kissed me, because he believed i would one day be his wife, and after years of heartbreak on my part, he was wrong.

When i was still 18, i left light, for my anatomy boy. We slept together, as i was deprived of any physical interaction. Anatomy boy and i didn’t last much longer than that, and although i thought i loved him, i left him again. Anatomy boy had hurt me deeply, and in response i was unfaithful.

When i was 19 my best friend and i fell for eachother. I loved him, he was my best friend, but i was not careful with his heart, and i did not respect his or my body. Again, i jumped head in, and then when i realized i was drowning, it was too late.

When i was 19 i left my best friend for light, AGAIN. Do we see a pattern here? Demitria Leigh Nelson, the hopeless romantic, leaving a trail of heartbreak and hopelessness in search of her greener grass.

Light and i, we rekindled. We finally dated for longer than a week. And we started growing together. We were happy, we went on adventures, and concurred new things. I left college to come to the valley, in part, to be with light. His family wasn’t sure about me, they didn’t trust the girl who had broke his heart, but in a few months i finally started to gain their trust. I was invited to family gatherings, i played with the kids, and even was asked to babysit his nephew. Things were looking good. Everything but my physical desire. Light and i, we kissed, we touched, but anything sexual was off limits. I would describe myself as sexually free, he would later describe me as a nymphomaniac.

At 19 i got bored. I was sexually frustrated and i left light for anatomy boy. Don’t even be surprised that i went back to an ex to play around with fire again because it gets worse. Anatomy boy was doing very bad things, and as hard as i tried to save him, i couldn’t. I was begging for his love, i was begging for anatomy boy to come back, but he couldn’t, he was so far lost, and unfortunately still is.

Because anatomy boy wouldn’t change, i was in search of my man, my ex military man, remember him? I sure did. 3 years of little to no communication, and we picked up like it was only a week, if that. Before i knew it i was spending every night with him, i was planning Christmas get aways with his family, and i even opened up a joint bank account in our hopes to run away to Seattle together. I truly don’t know what caused me to leave, but as my history seems to repeat itself, i left him, in search still for something better.

When i was 19 not only did i leave him, but i left Arizona. I was on my way back to the place i said I’d never go again, North Dakota. I didn’t know why, i didn’t know where, i just packed up and moved. And in a span of two weeks i was in an apartment in North Dakota working at red lobster.

When i was 19 i didn’t have any friends in North Dakota close to me. When i was 19 i was bored, i was lonely. When i was 19, my coworker asked me out on a breakfast date, and then a pumpkin carving date. Seems innocent enough right? Wrong. My coworker and i ended up sleeping together, and we did for a few more weeks. Things between us weren’t working out for me, it was at a seemingly standstill, and i wanted more, i wanted greener grass. And so i left him, and went to Minnesota for my 20th birthday. The trip that would change my life forever, but we’ll get to that. Not before i could completely cut ties with my coworker did he reveal to me that when we slept together he took pictures of me without my knowing, and he threatened to send them out for leaving him. I still don’t know to this day who all saw them. I know i hurt him, maybe his ego more than his heart, but hurt him nonetheless.

When i was 2 days away from being 20, i went to visit my husband. Don’t be confused, he wasn’t my husband yet, but he is now. I visited, we had our first kiss, he was the boy from when i was 12 and had my first boyfriend. We had our first more than kiss, and three weeks later, i was pregnant. My life blossomed in more ways than one in the next year, but fortunately this letter is not about my husband or my daughter as i am still their loving wife and mother to this day.

This letter is about all the ones i failed to love. To the ones i told i loved, and didn’t. To the ones i tried to love, and failed. To the ones i broke, and to the ones that broke me. To the ones who i loved, but not in the way i should have.

To my first kiss, thank you and I’m sorry i pushed back your memory for so long because i had a manipulative boyfriend.

To my first love, the first boy i had sex with, I’m sorry i drove you crazy. In my defense, it was a two way street. Thank you for teaching me to love myself and stand up for myself. Thank you for teaching me that people DO change, as you have a seemingly healthy relationship now.

To the senior boy who took more than my attention. You are dead now. Alive, burned in the back of my mind and source of my triggers, but you are dead in real life and i am sorry to those you loved and those who loved you.

To the first “man” i dated, i am sorry for playing with your heart. I am sorry for wanting “better” and throwing that in your face. Thank you for teaching me how to forgive myself, thank you for teaching me not to hold grudges and how to be happy even when it’s hard.

To my young life boy, I’m sorry for making you believe i loved you, for making you hold a grudge on me for so long. You blamed me for it all and that’s okay, because i forgave myself and i forgave you. Thank you for teaching me forgiveness without an apology.

To anatomy boy, i pray for you often. I don’t reach out because i am married and don’t want to disrespect boundaries in my marriage, but i do pray for you. I pray you gain control of your life before your substance abuse gains control of you. I am sorry for making you believe you weren’t enough, and driving you towards that destructive path that you are still on. Thank you for teaching me how to let loose and have fun, even if it’s not always the best decision.

To my best friend. It’s weird saying that, because here we are, not even acquaintances. I’m sorry for destroying your trust in women. If a best friend could hurt you, why wouldn’t anyone else, i get it. But don’t give up, there is someone out there for you i promise. Thank you for teaching me that friendship should always come first.

To my coworker who is no longer my coworker, i am sorry for leaving on such short notice. It’s okay that you were angry, but i know i didn’t truly mean anything to you, i was just a pretty face. Thank you for teaching me self respect and how to stand up for myself even when no one believes me.

And to light, sorry if calling you that makes you uncomfortable, it’s just the most fitting description in my mind. By calling you light i sure as hell don’t mean you’re perfect. Light can be beautiful and pure, but it can also be so bright you go blind, blinded to my own happiness while trying to be a perfect light for you, and it can be so bright it burns, burns out my own personality. I am sorry i played with your heart and made you believe i was meant for you. Thank you for teaching me that because two people are good, that doesn’t mean they are good for each other.

To those i failed to love, thank you for allowing me. You gave me memories, you gave me lessons, but most importantly you were all the driving forces that lead me to my wonderful life now. If it weren’t for our failed attempts, if any of us had been successful, i wouldn’t have made it back to my first boyfriend, and i wouldn’t be married with my daughter now.

In closing, i ask for all your forgiveness, because you deserve to let go of any grudges you may hold. I have forgiven you all, and have forgiven myself and with that, am fully free to love my husband. I still have that fleeting feeling of searching for greener grass, but if nothing else, i learned that the grass is greenest where you water it, and that searching for it only leaves a path of hurt, dead grass.