The Pictures on my Wall

Growing up might be the saddest thing to ever happen to a person.

They're my memories of good times with my friends, and they remind me of all the crazy stuff I used to do. I put pictures up on my dorm wall to make myself happy, but the nostalgia is getting to me. Yes, I'm happy and still having fun, but it is not the same anymore. Sometimes, I look at the pictures on my wall, and I think about the events that led up to that photo or what happened right after that. Sometimes, I want to forget those moments, not because something awful happened, but because something great did, and it might never happen again.

When someone turns 17, they forget what it was like to be 16, or when they turn 18, they forget how they felt as a 17 year old. Maybe that's the issue. I haven't forgotten what it was like when I was 16, 17, or 18. Those memories are engrained in my mind, and they were some of the best things I have ever done. Looking back on it seems kind of dumb to think that it was fun. I wasted a lot of money to see bands that I didn't like in places that had no heat in the middle of January. I got my hair pulled out and bruised ribs at shows that I did not want to go to. I stayed up late with people that didn't even remember my name, but it was great! I had places to go, and people to be with every weekend.

I look at my pictures, and I see people that I haven't heard from in over a year. I don't know some of the people in those pictures anymore. I know that friends come and go, and that most of us will only have a few people that stay in our lives forever. I take solace in the fact that I think I know who those few people are, but that comfort is disturbed because I thought the same thing a year before. I wonder who will be left when college is finished. Who will be at my side when I get married? Just...who?

It might be a cynical way of thinking, but it is a legitimate worry. I know that bad things happen, and despite your "it's never going to get better mindset," life always does turn around at some point. Mine did, but everything had to change for it to go in a different direction. My attitude on my own self love and self worth forced me to turn my back on people in those pictures, but it also helped me develop others. My pictures are from when I was a kid, and I just realized that I'm not a child anymore. Growing up might be the saddest thing to happen to a person, but what's done is done.  

I'm not going to take the pictures down. Even though they make me sad sometimes because my life isn't the same anymore, that doesn't change what was going on in my life when the photos were taken. My relationships might not be the same with those people. I might not know who or where they are anymore, but I know where they were. I know who they were, and I choose to remember the good times that I had with them instead of worrying about what and when everything went wrong. I choose to keep my memories, the good and the bad, because some day when i'm old and can't remember things as well, at least i'll have a wall to remind me.