Shake

A Poem by Deirdre

And I shake
With the sinking
Suspicion that I’m not getting
Better, because these
Shakes and quakes
Burn with a chilling
Feeling that leaves
My bones cold
And untouched
Like a back-alley way
Covered in newspapers
And refuse. It's a feeling
I can't quit. A feeling
That sits and festers
Until it sinks into
The plastic walls and the
Hospital ventilation, till
It fills the next room
And depresses the patient
Who’s checking out in
Two days.
The doctors smile
And say "sorry, no change,
But we're looking forward to
Tomorrow"
Just like they said
The day before
And the day before
That, the day
Before that
And the day
After I crashed
And almost
Saw my grandmother
Again.
The shots
To my arm remind
Me of the bruises
That my brother
Gets when he wants
That high.
My mother visits
And gives me
A kiss, a smile,
And a lie
"Tomorrow is
Another day,
Anything could happen"
And I see the
Tears in my mother's eyes
Who cries at
The thought
Of losing another
Child
Despite the fact that
My brother is in
Some way still
Very much alive
When he visits
He doesn't talk
He sits and stares
He always had trouble
Putting thoughts to sentences
And the heroine didn't help
But I understood
His dark shadows
Under his eyes
Make him look
Like he should be
A patient here
I'm sure there's
A bed here
Somewhere with
His name on it
It’s probably next
To the women
Who had her neck
Broken, as well as
Her heart
Because her husband
Said that he
Just couldn't
Take the pain
The pain of what?
I ask
The pain of knowing
That you're capable
To love so much
That you'd have
The decency to
Stick to your
Wedding vows?
Are you telling
Me that you'd
Rather face
The shame
Of leaving
Your wife
At the alter
20 years after
You said, "I do",
Then stay
By her bedside
And show her
That you love
Her?
Maybe I'm
Just bitter
Because the
Small trickle
Of friends that
Visit me has
Stalled to a
Pause, and it
Doesn’t look
Like it's
Resuming any
Time soon
The thought of
My friends
Brings me back
To that time
When my now
Bare hospital
Room was filled
With balloons,
Cards, and the thick
Scent of flowers
That masked
The smell of
Antiseptic, and
Latex gloves
That time
When I
Was going to be
In the hospital
For only three
Days
It’s funny how
Three days can
Somehow
Be transformed
Into two years
After the
800th day
I wished
I had the
Strength
As well as the
Ability, to pull
The cord that
Let’s me breathe
So I can
Give into
Cliché
And watch
My life
Flash before
My eyes
Right up to
The point
Where the
Pick-up truck
Blew straight
Through the
Passenger side
Of my mother's
Minivan, where
I was sitting,
Safely buckled in
Like the law
Said I should be
Right underneath
Where it says
Not to mix liquor
With gas pedals
Like the poor
Truck driver did
The poor truck driver
Who got out of the hospital
With a broken leg
And a heavy heart
The poor truck driver
Who ended
His life because
He couldn't take knowing that
He put his own daughter
Into the ICU
And I pray
With a doubtful mind that
The God I wished existed
Would end my life
Or end my suffering
By enabling me to
Walk, to breathe
And to speak
Especially to speak
So I can tell my brother
That I love him
And that he doesn't
Need the 3-second thrill
That comes packaged
In a needle
So I can tell my mother
That her tears can stop
And that her husband always
Loved her, even though
He rarely said it
But I know
That day will
Never come,
Miracles only
Happen to those
Who believe in
The God they're
Praying to
And I’m afraid
I could never
Believe hard
Enough.
But if I could speak
I’d tell the man
Who couldn't take
The pain, to go back to the
Cold hospital
Room, where he
Left his wife,
Who by some form
Of miracle
Got better just
Three months
After he left her
She remarried, and had
Three kids
Without him.
And I’d say
"You know that thin
You feel in the pit
Of your stomach right now?
It's called loneliness, learn
To get used to it, and
Learn to love it, because
It’s the only thing
You’re going to feel
For a long while"
But most of all
I want to ascend
To the clouds,
Or go wherever it
Is we go,
At look at the earth
And know that,
No matter what,
I was done with
What I saw,
And know that I’ll
Never feel that feeling
Ever again