Ispiration

Written in 2008.

There are days I find myself, sitting alone on my roof in the evening, watching as the cars go speeding by at the end of my driveway. I can’t help but wonder, where are they going? What does life have in store for them? Will all their dreams come true, or will they be destined to fall into the darkness? It’s a thought I have about everyone I both see and meet.

 

Today is another one of these days. I am alone, watching as the cars drive by. Storm clouds slowly move in overhead, darkening the sky earlier than nightfall. Darkness creates dark thoughts…

 

I wonder, where these people are heading. Maybe that young couple is off to buy their first home together, even though the housing market is trashed. Or perhaps, they are in town to visit family, possibly home from college. That elderly man walking towards the restaurant, perhaps he is meeting an old friend from the army, or maybe he is having lunch alone, being a widower and all.

 

And those kids there, perhaps in middle school, could be gathering to play a sport or to study for some big test. Regardless, I hope all these people’s destinations are fantastic and great!

 

As the thunder begins to roll overhead, I can’t help but think about my own past and whether or not these people are perhaps heading to similar places. Abusive family members, the lack of love and respect, loneliness…all terrible things to have to deal with. I begin to think of my abusive stepmother and all the hell she wrought down on me. I think of how my family on both sides has become so separated and distanced, that most of us don’t even communicate. I remember all the hurtful things that I have had said to me and that I have said, to both friends and family. I think of my fallen brother, Chris. Then, the loneliness kicks in…

 

The rain begins to fall, and I cannot tell whether tears are forming in my eyes or whether it is just the rain. The pain feels like a shadow, a burden, that you cannot just rid of. It is always with you, and always haunts you. I look to the sky. Knowing I have no real faith in any one God, I pray nonetheless. I don’t pray for my own torment to be lifted, but rather that all these people do not ever experience some of the things I have.

 

Lightning illuminates the darkened sky, as I open my eyes. A mixture of rain and tears are rolling down my face, but I pay no attention to any of these things. I continue watching these people. I hope, no matter what life has in store for them, they will experience great and wondrous things.

 

Now, a thought is sparked in my head. I have no reason to feel so sad all the time. In fact, it is pathetic of me to do so!

 

I now think of the few people I have in my life. The ones whom I talk to every night over the internet, the ones who I say as regularly as possible, the ones whose backs I always have, and in turn they will always have mine. The people who, no matter what is going on in my life, can bring me back into the realm of happiness, or at least give me a shoulder to cry upon…

 

Now, I realize that all of us have people to count on! No matter what life throws at us, there will always be someone there to bring us back to our feet! In times of sheer horror and anguish, we still have our fun times and live, laugh and love. I still wish none of these faces, souls, people have to go through the things I have, but even if they do…I hope they have someone to take all their pain away!

 

Lighting now strikes the lake just across the street. I realize its been an hour since the rain began, and that I am cold and wet. I stand up and crawl back through my window, knowing everything will be okay…