The Light

Had heaven cast me out? Wandering in this world of confusion and solitude. I am aware of the fact that no one else knows my pain. This thought will never comfort me. It will only propagate the downward spiral of depression that comes from living a nightmare. 

It started a year ago. My doctor introduced me to an innovative surgical technique. It would restore my sight. I had been born blind and now I would have my missing sense restored. After numerous injections, countless scans, and a few incisions, along with guided therapy I was able to sense sight. 

"Open your eyes now", the doctor coached. What did that mean, "open". My eyelids lifted and the first thing that hit me was the light - the bleached, penetrating light. I swore I was absorbing it through my two tiny globes. "Good. Now what do you see?", he persuaded. See? Was that a trick question? 

The motion, the experience of color, the metallics the dulls, the brights and darks - all enveloped me in a visionary cascading waterfall effect. The dizzying sights, I succumbed to being overwhelmed by the experience. I passed out. 

When I awakened my perception was clearer. Again the bleached, penetrating light. How awful it was. At least I thought so. Is this what that famous adage refers to - light at the end of the tunnel - I pleaded in my mind for darkness to take over. 

After a year of therapy and tests I am able to see for the first time in my entire existence. An entire sense restored to me through modern science. A sense I thought I missed out on and never realized I never needed. As far as I'm concerned this sense is an accessory. It enhances but is not a priority to survive. 

According to the contract given to me through the hospital (as this was a grant funded procedure) I was forced to live without my guide dog in order to get accustomed to living sighted. I would give up braille for learning the alphabet and how to read and write like a small child. 

I was grateful and resentful at the same time. Although I was given sight, I felt like I was naive. I was a newborn in an adult form experiencing shapes, colors and effects for the first time. I never knew I would feel so isolated. 

Was I just some guinea pig? Having to obey and submit to all these tests and procedures? I felt cheated and robbed - just hopeless. I couldn't comprehend my reasoning for subjecting myself to this experiment. I was a rat in a maze, running without direction. 

Life goes on and I was able to get used to the challenging visual puzzles and video clip after video clip of various scenes and stories. I went home feeling accomplished. Baby step by baby step overcoming my fears. 

I was able to name primary and secondary colors. I was getting used to lines and curves on a whole new level. I started having fun with the process. I began appreciating this gift of sight. I could see, and so I saw. 

I remember looking in the mirror and understanding my reality in a new dimension for me. I couldn't quite grasp the concept of beautiful or ugly. I just know that I didn't look long enough, didn't study my face hard enough. I took it for granted. I just am who I am. 

And then one night I went to bed. I prayed thankfully and slid into a slumber with a smile on my face. 

The next morning I woke to darkness. What was happening? I placed my fingers delicately to my eyes, and they were open. 

The doctor says I had a seizure that night. They believe this caused a break in the neural connection which gave me sight. The doctor sounded grave. There was pain in his voice. "There is no option to repeat the procedure", he stated. 

Why God? Why me? There is no fairness in such a situation. I wanted to see. I saw. Now I may never see again The pearly gates have closed to me. Only darkness. I wish I had never seen the light.

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

Quite an interesting grasp on a person experiencing perceptional stimuli. I image a person awaking to a new sensory input, might cause one's mind to turn inward on itself an delve deeper into confusion, perhaps even fright, and afterward, eventually, finding levity in the 'new' world. The fact that darkness was a place of solace for so long, then depleted, then restored speaks to a number of outcomes; thus, you could feel saddened by the subject's lost of sight, or you could revel in the realization that the subject has returned to a comfort they seek, it would really depend on the persons outlook and conscious ideals. I would like to see this expanded on, and fleshed out, perhaps turn the subject into an actual character and allow us the ability to take this light and dark journey with them . . .