The Much Needed Getaway

Lionel and his brothers, Darren, and Jamal take off for Santo Domingo to spend Christmas Eve. Lionel has finally decided to heed some much needed advice from “the old folks.”

As I sit in my living room, by the cozy fire, waiting for my wife and children to return, my heart leaps with delight. For many, this season is full of joy at the thought of gifts, fine foods, wines, and other yuletide delicacies. When they pass me on the street, they see my jolly demeanor and might easily assume that it comes from this festive season. However, my cheer comes from a much deeper source. Every year this time, my mind goes back to that day. Christmas Eve 2007. What my older brothers Darren and Jamal did for me that year showed me the true spirit of Christmas.

“Flight 912 will be leaving for Santo Domingo in exactly one hour,” boomed the airport speaker overhead. “Please have your boarding passes and passports ready before approaching the gate.”

“Just wait til tomorrow baby bro!” exclaimed Jamal. “We’ll be chillaxing on the beaches of Santo Domingo.”

“Christmas Eve, in Santo Domingo at Eden Bay!” Darren chimed in.

“Eden what?”

“Eden Bay Jamal! Don’t tell me you ain’t never heard of it! Santo Domingo’s only nude beach! I’ll be there bright and early, to meet the tourist women, and help them apply sunscreen.”

“Look at you, grinning from ear to ear. Don’t none of them want you wit your big, bald head, and your beer belly.``

“Don’t hate bro! You see, I got more to offer than the six pack they looking for; I got the full keg.”

“Darren, put your gross, jelly blob of a belly away fool.

Busying myself reading the boring magazines in the airport waiting room was the only way I could get my mind off what was to come. The large windows on every side of me triggering panic, the scent of fast food inducing nausea, my heart galloped madly, like a mustang confined. Closing my eyes, I drifted into a light slumber.

“Wait a minute,” Darren turned to me. “You all right Lonny?”

“Yeah Lon, what gives? You, who can talk somebody’s ears off, ain’t said two words since we left the hotel two hours ago.”

“Uh … Yeah… I’m fine. Just got a lot on my mind guys.”

“I bet you do,” said Jamal. “This is important though Lonny. You gotta go through with it.”

“It’s hard at first, baby bro. But trust me, when you look back, you’ll be glad you did it. Have you talked to Kara?”

“Yeah! She’s been calling me all morning talking about wedding plans. Never mind that my head hurts, and I feel nauseous.”

“Baby bro, look at me. Go through with this.”

RING! RING! RING!

“Hold on. Let me answer my phone right quick.”

“Hurry up we got a plane to catch.”

“I know Darren. Hold on. Hello?”

“Hey Sweet Pea, have you guys left yet?” inquired Kara.

“No.”.

“What are you guys doing?”

“Sitting in the waiting room until they call us. We’ll be leaving in an hour.”

“Great news! The cake toppers came in. And Gretta and I have already booked half of the rooms at the Harbor Inn. Out of town guests can come, put their room in their own name, and they have a guaranteed room.”

“Wonderful.”

“Lionel, is now a good time for us to talk?”

“No.”

“Bye Kara!” yelled Jamal.

“Jamal, stop that,” she laughed in response.

“Lon, you need to tell her,” Darren said.

“Lionel, put me on speaker phone baby.”

“Sure thing.”

“Hi guys! Lionel told me already. He’s given me ‘the talk.’ I know it’s you guys’ yearly fellas’ trip and I’m not supposed to be calling so much, especially with my wedding talk. I’m just super excited. Why don’t I call back later on?”

“Good idea,” responded Jamal.

“All right Lionel, I’ll talk to you soon. Please call me as soon as you get there, so I know you’re safe. I love you.”

“Uh, okay,” I whispered.

“Lionel I said I love you.”

“Uh… sorry…I love you too.”

“Baby bro! You really THAT nervous?” asked Darren.

“Well it’s his first time flying, I would imagine so,” answered Kara.

“Lon, hang up that damn phone, and let’s get ready to board the plane!” shouted Darren.

“Really Darren?” said Jamal. “What are you rushing to the terminal for anyway? We still got 45 minutes before we can even get on the plane.”

“I gotta make sure Lon goes through with this.”

“Guys, I’m gonna go outside, I need some air,” I said backing away.

“Lonny!” hollered Jamal.

“Lon, where are you going? Come back!”

“Excuse me, where is the exit?” I asked a random lady.

“There he is! Lonnie come back.”

No longer able to contain my adrenaline, I made a dash for the doors at the rear, when out of nowhere a pair of strong arms grabbed me from behind, lifting me in the air effortlessly.

“I got him!”

“Get off me!” I yelled, fighting wildly.

“Lon, stop. It’s me, it’s Darren. Calm down baby bro. It’s gonna be okay. You can do it.”

“Yeah, we’re right here with you Lonnie. I promise you with God as my witness, you’re gonna make it. You just gotta do it.”

“Baby bro, it ain’t no turning back now. I know why you were running out that door. You didn’t really need any air.”

“I did,” I panted.

“What you need is to face your fear and do this. If you run away out of fear, I can promise you, you’re gonna miss out on a lot life has to offer.”

“Darren, let him take a second. Look at him, he’s shaking.”

“Baby bro, you gonna have to calm down. Your head is already hurting and you said you’re nauseous. It’s critical for you to stay calm. We definitely don’t need you passing out.”

“Or worse,” Jamal chimed in.

“You calm down too Grandma, we don’t need a heart attack either.”

“Really Darren? Grandma?”

“Just do it, we’re gonna be right there with you baby bro.”

“Okay, Jamal … uh … I’m ready.”

“Good, let’s do this.”

Mustering up every ounce of courage within me, I marched boldly back to the waiting room, seized my luggage, and followed my brothers. With each step I took across the seemingly interminable corridor, my tension mounted putting me in the mindset of a condemned prisoner walking to meet his fate. L Sweating as if in a sauna, my dry tongue licked even drier lips,

“Guys, I’m gonna call Kara now.”

“Cool,” said Jamal as Darren nodded agreement.

“Hey babe. That was a quick hour and twenty minutes.” she joked.

“We haven’t left yet.”

“Oh, so you just wanted to hear my voice? That makes me smile.”

“I’m about to board the plane, and … uh …”

“Lionel, I know you’re nervous because you’re flying to Orlando this year instead of driving, but sweetie, it’s gonna be okay. Miami is only an hour and twenty minutes from Orlando by plane.”

“Well, we already flew to Orlando last night, we’re here now.”

“Wait! So why are you in an airport if you’re already in Orlando and it’s only an hour and twenty minutes from here?”

“That’s what I called you for.”

“To explain why you’re hanging around an airport in Orlando when you got there last night?”

“No.”

“Well what’s going on?”

“Everytime you drink, everytime we disagree, or when I catch you in lies, you get violent. And this time you really hurt me.”

“Lionel, baby, I’m sorry. I know I have a problem, but remember I’m working on it. And you owe me. Even with the wedding approaching, I let you go with your brothers for your fellas’ trip so you could sort out your thoughts, we’ll work on this when you get back, I promise.”

“Kara, when you hit me in the head with that hammer, I suffered a concussion! And …”

“I told you already, I’m sorry! I AM SORRY! I was wrong, I admit, but we already worked that out. You didn’t tell them, did you?”

“Yes.”

“Why would you tell your brothers of all people? The two who don’t wanna see us happy! The ones who would do anything to destroy our upcoming marriage. They didn’t like me from the start! I’m sorry baby. I’m really sorry. Come on back home and let me make it up to you.”

“You’re always sorry! You were sorry when I caught you sleeping with Moe when you thought I was at work. You were sorry when you punched me in my face, you were sorry when you threw the knife at me, you were sorry when you broke the plate over my head, and you were really sorry when you called the police on me and lied.”

“I have trauma issues, baby. But I promise to get therapy. You’ll see when you get here tonight. You know what? You could help me pick a therapist. I’ll get help, and we’ll work it out like we’ve worked out everything else.”

“Kara, my brothers are stationed overseas and I’m going with them.”

“No! No! Please don’t go. The wedding’s planned, and everything’s done! It’s in 6 weeks! How long are you gonna be out of the country? What if you can’t get back in time?”

“I’m going there to live with them.”

“No! PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME!”

“We’re at the terminal, I gotta go.”

“Lionel, I’ve told you before, if I can’t have you, nobody will. It may take two years, ten years however long! You leave me like this and I’m gonna find you! And when I do…”

Feeling my knees buckle and stomach drop my heart raced all the more violently.

“Uh .. Well …I’m still not staying. Not this time,” I replied in a hoarse whisper.

“Better yet, I’m on my way to Kline’s Nursing Home. Somebody’s grandmother is there!” Her voice rising with each word.

“Nope! She’s with Mom and the rest of the family already overseas! Ain’t nothing you can hold over his head now!” said Darren motioning me toward the plane.

“You just wait Lionel Abraham! It may take years, but when I catch up to you…”

“You’re gonna do what? Come over here and get yo’ a*s killed? Because I promise you, you think of touching my brother, my mother, grandmother or anyone in this family and you’s good as dead!” fumed Jamal. “You better tell her Darren! I done had enough of her bull.”

“You ain’t got no idea what our family will do to you the moment you step off of American soil where their laws no longer protect you! Come on over here! Please do!”

“I can’t do it Kara. I can’t do it anymore.” I stammered

“Hang up the phone and come on baby bro,” said Darren motioning me toward the plane. “We got you.”

“That’s right go on with your big brothers whose shadows you’ll always live in as the little wussy baby! Go on, you might as well marry them. You’re a sissy! Always needing your big brothers to protect you,” bellowed Kara. “And to think, I thought you were a real man.”

“Yeah! And I actually thought you were someone worth my time!” I retaliated. “Have a nice life!”

“Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I think you’re just stressed. Let’s say you come back home, I cook for you, and I make all this up to you.”

“No. Never!”

“Flight 912 is now boarding!” boomed the speaker overhead.

“I’m proud of you,” said Jamal.

“It’s just…I’m …” I started. My eyes heavy and feeling like a dam that floodwaters had broken through, my tears seemed to flow forever.

“Lon, come here bro!” Darren hugged me tightly. “It’s okay baby bro. Cry. Get it out, cry if you got to.”

“Lon, you’re gonna make it, don’t ever look back,” said Jamal putting me in my seat.

“How do you know Jamal? How do you know? She was my world!”

“One day, you’ll remember this as the day you took back your self respect and left a potentially fatal situation.”

“I love her!” I wailed.

“Love is an action word baby bro. What do her actions show you?”

Taking one last look at Miami, my heart sunk. Never could I ever return here again. Kara was one who made good on every threat she’d ever made toward me.

“Daddy! Wake up! Wake up! We got the gifts. Can you help us wrap them?” shouted JR.

“I think so.” I whispered getting up from the couch.

“Yay! Mommy’s out in the car with Daisy, hiding Uncle Darren’s gift. You can help me wrap Uncle Jamal’s.”

“Let’s do it. And this year we’ll hide it in the attic, you know how he “stumbles” across things. Julia and Daisy will probably hide Darren’s in the trunk.”

“Daddy, Uncle Jamal says it was hard to get you out of Miami ten years ago. I’ve never been but they tell me it’s a sight for sore eyes. Do you ever wish you’d stayed?”

“Never son.”

“Why not?”

“A good get away to unknown lands beats a bad stay on welcome soil.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ll understand someday. But for now, let’s just get Uncle Jamal’s gift hidden.”

“Daddy can I ask you one more question?”

“Sure buddy.”

“Why do you, Uncle Jamal, and Uncle Darren have your families travel somewhere new every Christmas?”

“It’s tradition! And a good one. Let’s just say it started in 2007. It’s how I met your mother.”

“Huh?”

“Yep! Julia and I met in Santo Domingo at Craig’s New Years Eve Party. And the rest was history son.”

Reviews

[Farah]

This sent chills up my spine. You have really improved. I’m glad you did not give up. The reason I gave you 95 and not 100 is because I would add a few things to the story to make it flow better. You might consider some sound words as he is running away. Ex: Huff, Whoo, etc. Also, when Kara is mentioned at the beginning, she seems glossed over. How can you make it clearer that she has a bigger part in the character’s story?

[Sauti_Ukweli]

Thank you for your feedback! I am taking all of this in!

[Babbette Francis]

I know the feeling of escaping the one you love and you've described it pretty well. I like the way the story ended in that the character got away and has a better life because of it. Good job

[Sauti_Ukweli]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate your taking time to review my work!

[Farah]

This is so much better! I think the short introduction that gets right to the point but provides just enough background is crafted wonderfully. My only suggestion to you here is to try and create a more natural flow with the dialogue. For example, do you really need to say “she shouted” when her words are written in ALL CAPS LIKE THIS!!!! It’s clear she shouted. Otherwise I think you’ve done a magnificent job. I love reading short stories. This is great! I’m raising my score to a 96/100. Now, fix that dialogue some!

[Sauti_Ukweli]

Thank you Farah. This is good news. I’m trying. I used speechify today and it seems to help me as I can hear when something seems excessively worded. I will work on another revision. Thanks for the feedback.

[JayG]

Basically, your methodology is unchanged. At all times there’s only one person on the stage, the narrator, speaking in a voice that is dispassionate for anyone but you. Always have your computer read the story to you as one of your editing passes.

You open with a full page of backstory that’s irrelevant to the actual opening of the story. Who cares what his life was like before the story begins? That's not story. Story happens, and does so in real-time, and within the moment the protagonist calls "now. Only then can the future be uncertain—and therefore, interesting.

The point you’ve missed is that you’re using first-person personal pronouns, but the reader is NOT in the viewpoint of the one living the story. There is not a trace of difference between:

“In spite of these things, there were three old folks I found quite pleasant to kick it with.”
and:
“In spite of these things, there were three old folks HE found quite pleasant to kick it with.”

In both cases, someone not in the story or on the scene is passing secondhand information to the reader. Hoe exciting can that be to a reader who expects you to follow E. L. Doctorow's view that, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

As a teacher, your job is to prepare your students for the needs of employers. So you received no meaningful training in the techniques and specialized knowledge required to practice the Fiction Writing profession. And without that, trying to transcribe yourself telling the story aloud results in a storyteller’s script minus the all-important performance notes that would help the reader match your visual and verbal performance.

The short version: Dig into the skills of Fiction-Writing. Read a book like Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. And read it slowly, with plenty of time spent practicing each new idea, to make it more than something to read and then forget two days later.
https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Then, after six months of practice, read it again. With a better idea of where he’s going, you’ll get as much that’s new the second time.

Sorry my news isn’t better. But you did ask.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Sauti_Ukweli]

Thank you for your feedback. This news actually IS good news because it means that I can see it from someone’s eyes other than my own and I’m still learning the art of weaving it together. Your feedback combined with feedback from other fellow writers means “back to the drawing board.”