He Left Me

I was writing what would happen if someone so in love was to instantly lose their lover in a tragic accident.

I woke up to another day without a text to great me in the morning, still an unnatural feeling. Another month without hearing from him, I rather be deaf then suffer from this. Feeling nothing because I do not see his lips mouth “I love you”. Sleepless nights without his arm around me to keep me warm. No lips to taste make every dish of food have no flavor. My memories still burn my insides knowing they are all I have; his hugs, our days together, our kisses.

“Get out of bed!” A sudden scream echoed in my room. My mother has been trying to be supportive but her tone of voice all this week makes it seem like she would purposely get into a car crash hoping that amnesia would delete my past from my brain. “Did you get any sleep?”

“No,” my weak voice whispered. I lose my voice every night from the crying and screaming the evening before. My throat burns from the evidence of hyperventilation and vibrations from the painful screams. I stare at my mother through my dried out eyes, she’s completely dressed for work and is a walking beauty, I am ashamed to call her my mother because they then look at me and give me the face that says “What happened to you?”

“You have to move on! It’s over! He’s gone! There’s no way he will ever come back!” This painfully truthful lie she tells me is something she shouldn’t be saying to me on this particular day. Today would be my three year anniversary with my boyfriend if he didn’t leave me five months ago. I would want to fight back at her to say I am going to see him today and he will be mine again but it is something that I am too weak and tired to do.

                “Get ready for school, you may be depressed but that won’t stop you from going to college,” my mother always put my emotions third, after education and health, “I made you a sandwich, you better eat today, you already lost twenty pounds from this odd eating disorder that has made you look disgustingly skinny and highly unattractive, if you lose any more weight, I will personally feed you myself!” or maybe my emotions is fourth after physical appearance.

I plopped out of bed and landed on unstable feet, I started to drag them across the floor which was difficult because the depression was dragging behind. I managed to find some strength I still posses to put on some clothes and fix my face. I don’t even know why I try to look pretty when this sadness makes my presence hideous and my lack of joy scares off anyone that comes near me. I look in the mirror one last time and there stood a skeleton, all my muscles have vanished and exposes my bones through my skin. The clothes I now where are from elementary school because everything I own falls off from the lack of a body that I do not own any longer.

 I let the gravity lead me down the stairs and the wind open the door for me, I’m glad nature sympathizes me and helps me get out of this black hole. I tried to keep my balance because I single false movement would have me tumbling down and leaving injuries that are no match to my emotional pain. The cold autumn air hit my face and reminded me of the temperature my blood now consists. I began to walk out with my backpack to attend an institution that I am forced to go to.

“Hey bestie!” a holler from a distance said. My friend from the fourth grade has been trying to brighten my day and I feel guilty that I’m the reason she fails. “How’s your morning? Mine was pretty good. Josh texted me last night that him and Cindy were at the skate park and…” she tends to ramble about everything, I’m glad about this because the awkward silence is never present and my depression is put to the side.

While she was still rambling, I began to think what would be happening if I was spending this Thursday with him. Would he have bought me flowers? Would he greet me with a kiss? Would I receive a stuffed animal with a bow?

“Hey, are you still there?”

“What?” I snapped out of my death threatening thoughts.

“You really need to stop zoning out. Anyways, I asked if you were okay because today is November 12^th and…” she drew herself out before she said anything she couldn’t take back.

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m totally fine,” she knows me too well and I can tell she can sense I was telling a horrible lie.

“You should really skip school, you can hang out at my house today and I’ll come home with all the homework for you.” This sympathy was rare considering how careless she is. She is the most popular girl at school because her kindness makes her the most known person in a 3,000 populated high school. I still question why she is my best friend when I scare off any attractive guy because I walk with her and how she can even tolerate my sadness but her happiness is indestructible. She still remembers the important dates in my life, she remembers what today is. She was there on our first date together, she picked out my dress when he took me to the dance, she did my hair when he took me to go see my favorite band, and she did my make-up when he invited us to his Halloween party.

“I’ll be fine Jessie, it’s just another day that will end when the sun goes down,” and with a slumber I will never wake from again.

As we arrived to school, the hallways would go silent when I would pass; my depression wasn’t only killing me but also conversations. It was a label on my body in a bold font that even foreign strangers could identify within seconds. When I would walk into a classroom, heads would drop and teachers’ fear of saying the wrong thing made them mute. When I would pass by sections of the school that only replayed moments him and I shared, my acidic tears would blind me and fall to the ground, once one drop formed, the waterfall began.

In my first class, English was long and miserable. The lectures made my stomach acid boil louder from the lack of food in the past two days and the writing made my hand scream for mercy. Half way done in class and I just lie my head down to see the darkness my arms could make, have the warm breath slowly suffocate me and make my face hot. I would rather be in hell wear it was dark and hot like my arms than have to deal with one more minute of this school day. Having to live with my thoughts of him made my throat burn with lava, or that was my stomach acids drowning me. The memories made my head pulse with pain and made any little noise sound like a heavy metal band blasting in my ears. I just wanted to disintegrate already. I just wanted this day to end like him and I did.

After suffering a long hour in English, I had to once again walk down the halls of my school. This time I was walking to a class that had to be today. That had to be next class. That had to just exist. That had to have memories of him and I shared.

“Bestie,” followed by a poke, “you should skip this class and just go to my house; I asked Andrew if he can drive you home and he said he’ll do it!” Obviously Andrew would do anything for Jessie; he’s been in complete head over heels with here for two years now, it makes me sick how she uses him.

My lack of sleep and food made it nauseating to stand and had this earth spin on its axis faster than usual. Jessie saw that I was about to pass out and grabbed my arm, “I have a test in math; I have to do it, take me there.” I could see her disapprove my fake strength.

We walked closer and closer to the class I was dreading the most, I had to close my eyes at the sight of the door. “Are you sure you want to…umm…go to class? I’ll wait outside of class for you and walk you home, you shouldn’t be alone today at all” She is starting to aggravate me.

“Yes Jessie!! I…I need to…I have to take this…this test!” I am beginning to hyperventilate and my voice starts to crack, instantly my eyes caught fire and my face was splashed with water. I made a 180 turn that had my back to Jessie and me stumble into class. All the voices disappeared the moment I walked in. I sat next to the desk. The desk where he sat. The desk where we kissed.

 The desk where our initials were engraved. The desk that is now empty.

 My teacher gave me a note with no eye contact or warning. On the note with cursive scribbles read “you may leave school early if you like” I look at the teacher’s blurry silhouette and walked towards it, she instantly stared at the floor. I gave back the note and she whispered “I’m so sorry” and I turned away leaving a trail of tears out her door. I left school.

I opened the front door to my house and my mother was putting on my brother’s jacket, I have gone numb from the absence of his hoodie to keep me warm that he gave me last Christmas, I wish my emotions could do the same.

“You’re home early; I am taking your brother to the doctor’s appointment and then a play date. We will be home pretty late, warm up some food and EAT IT and please put the dishes away. Maybe chores would get your mind off of things because homework is obviously doing a bad job at that.” My mother informed to me, she left the house and slammed the door shut behind me with my four year old brother in her arms. I am alone as usual.

 I stood in the front of the house to witness silence and lonesomeness that I have suffered for five months. I dropped my backpack to the floor and made my way to the kitchen. I look around and see all the memories him and I made in this room. How he would grab me by the waist and pin me to the counters while his lips mimicked mine. How we would chase each other around the table while our icing wars left stains on the wall. How we sat on the tile floor to procrastinate on our lives and speak for hours without ever getting bored. How we would waste time together yet the time was never wasted.

I slowly kneeled to the floor so the icy tiles could keep my body numb. I lean on the cabinet door and held my knees close to my chest with my arms. I began to scream in pain knowing I am spending our third year anniversary alone and remembered the day he left me.

“Yeah, I was totally ambushed; I did not see Andrew coming to me with flowers and in a tux to ask me to homecoming!” Jessie said while caring a bouquet and humbly bragging about her admirer.

“Well Jessie, you knew he adores you so maybe you should give him a chance?” I felt bad for Andrew.

“You know I am a bad girlfriend, we have been friends for how long and you are suggesting that I should date Andrew? Listen, I know you and Andres are one day going to get married ‘cause from the looks of it, nothing will ever separate you two. I am just not the type to be in relationships, but you are fitted to be in a lifetime of happiness, you have no idea how lucky you are to find the love of your life this young. No need for searching, or trying to be pretty or anything!”

“What’s that suppose to mean, ‘trying to be pretty’?”

“Uh, no! I mean as in, you know, he thinks you are the most beautiful-“

“I was just kidding Jessie,” she should know me so well from how much of a jokester I am.

“Speak of the devil, where is your boyfriend, your fiancé, the love of your life, your knight and shining armor,” she says sarcastically with so much passion.

“He went to go see his cousin, something happened where he had to leave school and check up on him,” this made me very worried because his cousin lived in downtown where gangs and murders made up the population. I tried not to let it get to me because he always visits his cousin and nothing has ever happened to him.

“Okay, well let’s go to your place, mine is so blegh” she said with her tongue sticking out and her nose scrunched up and crinkly.

We walk into my house to witness my mother holding my brother, “hey darling, whooh, your arms are starting to get more muscular, you’re going to have to show me your work-outs when I get home, your brother and I have to interview a couple of babysitters, I should be home in one or two hours. Love you darling!”

“You should show me all your work-outs, you are so fit, have curves in all the right places and don’t look sickly skinny as me,” she says while grabbing my waist while we make our way to the kitchen, “how much do you eat a day?”

“Around 1,500 to 2,000 calories a day, I need something to burn off,” I said while I sat up on the kitchen counter to eat an apple.

The phone then rang, it had an unfamiliar number. I stared at it for a second to see if the ringing would soon stop because the person realized that they dialed the number wrong. It continued.

“Are you going to answer that?” Jessie said with her eyebrows raised and her forehead wrinkled.

“I don’t recognize the number,” the ringing eventually stopped and it rang again, it was the same number. “Okay, maybe I should answer it.”

“Maybe it’s your boyfriend,” Jessie sang.

“Hello?” I answered; the other side left was silent. “Is anyone there?” Jessie then pressed her cheek to mine wanting to listen in on the call. I then looked at her confused giving her a face saying “this is weird.” I then hung up leaving the mystery caller hanging. The phone rang again in my hands. It was the same number.

“Who is this?” I firmly said.

“Is this Andres girlfriend?” this voice sounded like it’s been crying.

“Uh, yeah, who is this?” a heart attack slowly began to form.

“I’m so sorry, I am so sorry. I wish this didn’t happen. He loved you so much, I am so sorry!!” The voice starts to cry and begins to become difficult to understand.

“Who is this and what d o you mean ‘loved’?!” I instantly assume this was a girl that Andres was cheating me with but this voice sounded older and sympathetic, things just became more confusing.

“He loved you so much, I am so sorry!” she begins to cry out all the words and hyperventilate.

“Why are you sorry? Who is this?! How do you know Andres?! What’s going on?” Jessie gives me a confused look and mouths the words “what’s happening?” I turned away to not get distracted and my face begins to turn angry. I am getting irritated by this anonymous caller.

“He’s dead!”

“Who’s dead? What’s going on?!” I don’t know if I should start crying or hang up and call the police.

“Andres! He’s dead!” The voice screams at me.

“What do you mean he’s dead? WHAT HAPPENED?!” I now begin to freak out.

“He got shot! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!!” This voice is useless and is leaving me with no answers; I just drop the phone and ran to the door with my heart racing fast.

“Hello?” Jessie said when she picked up the phone, I was already out the door before heard anything else.

I began to run down the streets to see if I can make it to Andres’s house, I never ran so fast in my life and never grew this tired so fast but it was the last thing on my mind. I just kept running until I reached his house, it was a quarter of a mile away but it’s close enough for me to get to him fast to find him so the anonymous caller would be a cruel pranker.

I jumped onto his house porch and banged on the door, I banged on the door till my fist grew numb, and no one answered. A neighbor then walked out and I screamed “Where are they?! Where they go?!” he looked at me confused, “Answer me!! Where are they?! Where’s Andres? Where is he?!” he looked away. I ran to the back jittering. I can’t feel my legs and I am getting confused from my sweat and tears, the hot June sun was beating down on me but not as hard as the worst possible thoughts of where Andres was at or what condition he is in. I ran through their garden and opened the window Andres leaves unlocked just in case he forgot his keys. I track mud into the house leaving evidence of me breaking in. I ran all around his house in every room screaming his name and no response was given. I threw papers around to see if any notes were left behind and there was no evidence of where he or his family could be. I went into his room and grabbed his house phone to see if that number who called my house was in the history. There it was; I pressed call.

Beep…Beep…Beep…” Hello?” the same voice sounded tired and trying to recover from a moment of pain.

“Who are you?!” I screamed into the phone.

“This is Sarah…sniffle…Sarah Romero.” She has the same last name as Andres. I hung up and dropped to my knees there in the empty house. I then heard a screeching noise in front of the house. I did not get up.

“Where are you?!”Jessie screamed, from my peripheral vision, she passed the open window and now screaming my name in the backyard. I did not respond. “Where are you?! I need to tell you something!” I fell over and covered my head with my arms. My head was blank, my stomach was cramping, my legs were tingling and my voice was screaming. All I had that made me happy, gone. All the memories I have made, no more. I was in the house of the love of my life screaming for mercy and crying out for hope. Crying that it wasn’t me, that it didn’t happen, that this horrible nightmare was coming to an end, and that this normal day didn’t dramatically change my life forever. My life as I know it has come to an end and will now be filled with dark depression.

In the kitchen where I sit alone, I screamed the same screamed I did five months ago. In the kitchen I was crying the exact same way I did on his floor. In the kitchen is where my suffering was going to come to an end. I unfolded my legs and opened a nearby drawer containing letters and pens; I pulled out everything and let gravity place the items around me. I uncapped the blue pen and began to write on an empty page. I started to write messy and fast, just like my heart beat. My tears were staining the paper and smudged all the words. I couldn’t tell if I spelt anything right or if it was even legible, at this point, it didn’t matter. My head was pulsing from my fast breathing and was over heating from the painful screams I just did. My heart began to cramp from all of the cracks and every pulse had a memory him and I shared.

“I will never leave you, I will always be yours,” what lies he wrote to me on the surrounding paper. I finished my words and threw the pen aside. I looked at the hundreds of letters he would pass to me in math class, that he would put his heart out to. I looked away before I passed out from over crying.

My skeletal hands then opened a cabinet next to me filled with knives that reflected my shameful face. I stared at myself for the last time, saw a stranger that was once happy, that once smiled and once alive. I looked away. I grabbed any knife, it didn’t matter if it was shiny or big; it just mattered if it was sharp. I close my eyes and looked around in the kitchen him and I once shared memories in, then the phone rang. I let it rang again hoping it would go to voicemail. It did.

“You better not be doing anything stupid! I was waiting after class for you and you didn’t come out! Your teacher is so stupid to send you home alone on this day! Andrew is driving me over right now, don’t move a muscle! I’ll be there soon!!” Jessie screamed with worry present in her voice.

Jessie wouldn’t be here soon enough to stop me, so I started what should have happened in Andres’s room. My fingers began to tie around the handle the same way him and I held hands. I pointed the edge to my weak heart that was once filled with blood that pumped joy through my veins. I then used my last bit of strength and pressed it between my ribs that were so obvious and clear through my skin. The pain wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought; I guess my depression made me too numb to feel anything.

I stopped hyperventilating and began to take short fast breaths, with every breath; blood would jump out through my chest. I fell to the side and landed on letters and stared at the words he once whispered in my ear. I continued with my short breaths. I lie on the tile that I can no longer feel and my breaths become less and less. The lights eventually went out. My pulsing head and my aching heart finally came to a stop.

 

“I couldn’t move on.

I was too weak.

I couldn’t continue.

I was immovable.

I couldn’t see the future.

I miss the past.

I want him back.

He didn’t have the choice to die,

I did.

Don’t be like me,

Don’t end your story like I did.

I was too weak to move on out of this chapter.”

Author's Note

I don't usually give the main characters a name and I tend to do flashbacks in all my writing.