Red Like Lucy

Just something I came up with while flying on a plane.

Short skirt, sweet thighs. Red lipstick, to my surprise.
It's captivating how excruciating the wait is.
She draws me in to edge once more.
Slowly moving from her bed to the hardwood floor.
Shaking begins and scratching stops.
Together in climax, we exchange smiles.
Picking up our scattered belongings from the ground, it slowly hits me....You're married.
What are you doing?
How do you explain this to the woman who gave you everything?
She glances down at my ring and gently tells me she hopes it was worth it, because that might be the last good f**k I'll get in a while. I look her in the eyes and say, "I've forgotten your name already."

Author's Note

Any advice helps, even if you didn't like it. Tell me what you'd like to see done differently so I may attempt to improve my writings.

Reviews

[Miranda Richard]

I love the beginning when it rhymes, very lovely, very patterned and well structured. I don't exactly get why you switched into non-rhymes towards the end. It feels a little too separate, perhaps if they were separate poems. Each word was very captivating, and the story was good.

[dillonjensen]

I agree, this could be split in to two separate poems. I don't really like rhyme schemes or structure though. I feel they halter creativity within the poem itself, but I greatly appreciate your advice as it is sound. Criticism is what makes me try to become a better writer so it is much appreciated. As much as I love praise, that certainly isn't what makes the writer.

[Riverz]

no. switching from rhyme to non-rhyme was good . but u need 2 flesh the story out b'coz it sounds too fake at the moment