Games

A Poem by dibujera

Let's revisit the beginning, analyze very start.

I opened my legs to seven men in attempts to heal my heart.

Truth be told it's all the same, cut the losses and retract

In hindsight, I lost seven pieces of myself I can't get back.

I digress,

To my very, most sincere first at kissing, cuddling, sneaking out and everything else, I lost my virginity to you.

Rather, I shared it with you. Now, we are strangers who occasionally text. You hated your dad just like me. Maybe when I'm around the place we used to meet, the alley between our streets, you get a call from me. You maybe miss it, and call when I am well past our brick haven and tell me you are working, I go "okay", and we end that. Truth be told, I probably would not have come over, I call for nothing really. You were everything, but we're nothing really. Met at twelve, the wait was long. Worth, questionable at best. The first at everything, as I mentioned earlier. Also the first loss I had to cut.

The second, and arguably the worst.

First meet up and you got it. All of it and I guess we had a hypothetical relationship. Maybe, anyway, it ended like the next day. You were like Hiroshima. Didn't last long, but your impact was everlasting. You were the worst, in that way. I think you were bipolar or something. Some days I got little cute apologies. Others I got severe threats and more b***h titles. I didn't respect myself, and that's the second loss I cut. My beauty. My security and confidence. In the end, I paid for it in a major way. Decisions, and regrettable ones at that. I was scared, I'm sorry, but I had no choice.

Third, and the strangest.

I was in recovery mode, so maybe it's safe to say you were used. I honestly believe you loved me, maybe even still. Maybe about two weeks after the second and not something that I care to recall either. You walked me to the bus stop though, so maybe you cared. You probably wanted a relationship with me and I'm sorry you never got it and never will. I guess I'm not entirely sorry though. You knew what type of person I was from the start. Don't worry, I'm not angry anymore. I've gone to counseling even. You have a son now, so it's probably best that I faded away. Cause I lost interest in male "best friends", types like you, who I knew wanted sex. Too many maybe's here, maybe why it was the strangest. I hope your job search is going well.

Fourth, and morally, the most shaming.

Man, the deepest too because I knew you. I knew it was wrong, relatively mostly. You knew too and I lost another friend because of this as well. Remember you called and told me she was pregnant and I cried. I guess from that moment on, I wanted revenge. She gave you what I could not. A legacy. I was quickly fading into merely a memory and I needed to shake things up. I texted, knowing you guys were on the rocks and went in for the kill. It worked, because I had you under my spell. Until that night I clamped my mouth shut as she sat on the phone crying about you coming home and you stared at me. That was it. I broke the spell and kissed you on the forehead and told you to go home. She called like a month later, you lied, I didn't. Now, you're home with your wife and child. I lost what I believed in, perception of right and wrong.

The fifth, and the one I felt indifferent about.

I came over before school It was f*****g freezing cold and my hair was still wrapped up, so how were you even attracted? Either way, it happened and we talked through the entire thing. It popped. I cared about you, we tried to get back together like two months ago, to no avail. Let's just stay Facebook friends? Every time we try we fail, so we can quit now. We can stop pretending now. No love, you were just bored and I was like a an electronic bull. Ever throwing, ever entertaining. Some questions I want answered, but don't care enough to reach out about. I lost care and shame. I lost both of them simultaneously.

The sixth, the most impactful and tear-filled.

My goodness, we're so different now. You practically hate me. This won’t be my wallowing in sorrow about our ended relationship. I will say you were my favorite, mentally, challenging. Lot of memories heavenly and horrible alike. Lot of suppressed rape memories in your bed, your sheets, your pillows, chest too. I apologize that I wasn't more stable and strong, or beautiful for that matter. You claim to better now. You are also a liar. Did you forget I knew you once? I shared more than a bed with you, but a head. Remember What You Need and the Cream of Wheat I never ate cause you had no sugar. I do too, but I miss the memories more than the body and now I know I'm moved on. I lost a friend, forever.

The seventh, the scariest.

Similar to fourth, but not too alike. Most awakening, eyes wise, soul wise. Lot of heavy breathing and dry heaving on my end. Lots of in between line reading as well, but I guess it improved my vision in the long run. I knew the deal and I knew the potential consequences. I also ignored them, which can explain that gut shot I felt when I saw your decision. I slipped up and loved, but it's justified. I saw and see you as daddy and I may need more counseling for that. The most unfortunate because, under different circumstances, utopia. Another case of ocean eyes and a pure heart at it's core…somewhere in there. Bravest I have ever known and the first to get me to complete, climax wise. Symbolism? I lost my pride here.

I suppose, this is more me being honest with myself more than it is a literary piece.

Share a bed with someone.

Fluids.

Even a head.

It's all the same, subtracting tiny pieces of yourself to feel.

Solitaire.

Spin the bottle.

Kiss the broken parts of ourselves to heal.