A Sublime Mess

honestly, this is more like a diary entry than anything else. But since I can't find my notebook, I wrote it up here.

I've been waiting.

      Waiting for so long for something to happen. Something significant, noteworthy, life changing, unique.

No matter how long I waited, nothing seemed important enough to preserve. But yesterday, I realized why that was. 

     I went to my friend's fourth of July party. I wasn't expecting much, maybe I'd just lie on a blanket by the water with friends, and wait for the fireworks to start. I was waiting again. I didn't mind, it wasn't too chilly, and I was used to being patient. A few close friends had gathered around our spot, and one by one, our small group of five swelled to over thirty. People, friends I hadn't seen in months, people I loved but never had the time for anymore. As people spilled off our small blanket island onto the wavy emerald sea around us, I felt my chest swell in joy. I'd never imagined that all my friends, a motley array of people who had absolutely nothing in common with each other except for their association with me, would gather all in one place, so harmoniously at peace. 

      Some played cards, some sketched their surroundings, and some strummed their guitars, their soft singing getting lost in the music of the life running past us. The gentle hiss of food being grilled, the happy shrieks of little children playing, the water lapping against the edge of the docks, the slew of different languages being spoken by all the other families camped around us. It created a sublime mess. 

     Chaos has always seemed more desirable to me than order. It's when we all show our true colors. And the colors at that moment were beautiful and vibrant. The silky grass, our soft blue blanket that mirrored the sky, the blinding sun in all its glory, outshining any fireworks display. I made new friends along with the old ones. I flirted with a boy I'd just met. I didn't know him, but that was the beautiful part of yesterday, I could pretend anything I wanted. With my friends circled around me, I felt an old confidence return. And it was when the streetlights all turned off simultaneously, signaling to everyone that the fireworks were starting, that i felt the clarity I'd been seeking for so long. 

      All this time, I'd been missing a place, a group of people, a feeling I'd once known. I used to have a place I could call home, and it still pained me that I couldn't go back anymore. Everything in the outside world seemed to pale in comparison to the camaraderie I used to feel. But that night, I finally felt that same confidence, the same warm feeling I remembered. I realized the significant moment I'd been waiting for was the moment I'd find that feeling again in the outside world. All I did to acknowledge that moment was smile quietly, mostly for myself, and lean in closer to the guy I'd met. I didn't need anything else. I had finally triumphed, and that small victory was all I needed to carry on.

I'd stopped waiting. I started to begin.

Reviews

[daemok]

You have very beautiful writing blooming here in this short story. I love the sad ache at the beginning, the searching before opening up to the things around you. Most of all I do think your ending is a great way to stop if at, 'I started to begin.' It makes the reader satisfied and leaves them in a state of happiness. Wonderful work.

[diaphanous]

Thank you for your comment :)
it's not really a story, more like a journal entry.

[Waelboy]

Touching and great. "Chaos has always seemed more desirable to me than order" thats me, thats me!