Maybe that's why, I say, I see the universe in his eyes

I think love is special. Obviously a connection between you and someone else, that you only share with them would be special, and to truly feel it with someone is a gift. See love is putting someone else before you without a single thought. I know most hearts are messy and chaotic, but you learn to embrace the messiness. You find beauty in the chaos, you repair it and suddenly that's your main challenge. Love is simple, and beautiful like the universe in which this feeling is held in. And love is as beautiful as her, see as she looks at the moon and admires it's delicate way of illuminating the pitch black night sky; that's the type of love she yearns for, the type that shines bright as the only light amidst nothing but darkness. And yet I continue to ask her the same questions over and over again.

“Why do you love him? Truly, can you give me one reason why?”
She looked at me expectantly. And nodded. And I knew she could give me a million reasons why. She could tell me that she loved the way his eyes sparkle when he sees something he loves. She could tell me that she loved the way he tries hard in school but won’t care to admit it. She could tell me that she loves that he wears sweatshirts in the summer but shorts in the winter. But she didn't. She simply told me. “He makes me feel like I actually mean something.”

And in that moment I knew that I had lost her, not because of some messy fight or stupid mistake, but because we were not meant to be together. She was meant to be with him, and since I truly loved her, I needed to let her be happy. And maybe that's why I resented him so much, I'm telling you this story after years of watching them grow as a couple, one day a few years ago Nathan asked me

"You okay Collin, Tess has been asking why you haven't been around lately?"  

And my response was one I can never take back.

“Maybe that’s why I resent you so much” I said.
“Resent me?” He replied.
“Yeah, maybe that’s why, Nate I hate that you get the woman I love so much. I hate that you know every piece of her that I didn’t know about. I hate that you know that she dislikes receiving flowers because they remind her of funerals or how pink is her favorite color because it looks like happiness. You get to explore stuff about her that I hated, but you have the opportunity to love. And then after all that exploring, at the end of day you still have her and maybe that’s it.”

I didn't talk to either Tess or Nathan for 7 months after that day. And I still remember the feeling I got the the first time I saw Tess after those 7 months. She was the person I always wanted to be with, the first I told everything to, she was the one I would talk to for hours and would listen and once I was finished, I would say “I’m talking too much, tell me about yourself.” She'd make me feel so damn special telling me that even if we were 7 hours away from each other we’d make it work and then one night in one fraction of a moment she casually said

“I think you should just forget about everything that’s happened, pretend we never were even a thing.”

And I remember agreeing because I thought it was what she wanted and we could never be one. And now years later I sit in my room 7 hours away from you thinking of the choice I made and how that changed everything because when I saw you 7 months after Nathan and I’s talk, you decided to ignore me and pretend like I was never anything to you in the first place; and I didn’t have the gut to even look at you; you seemed to be doing fine. All I hope now is that you’re happy and not thinking about me the way I think about you because it’s killing me slowly and I’d never want anything to hurt you. And now on late nights, he tells her how he thinks she is beautiful, and they get to share their deepest secrets and what they think about other people. The endless conversations I wished to have. He gets to tell her to sleep earlier and take care of her health. He can even tell her he loves her and she believes it. I believe that there is someone who actually cares and who I can trust. And that my one day, will come without much explanation, but for now I must sit and watch the woman I love, be loved by her soulmate.

See now I guess I should take a step back, Tess was and is the woman of my dreams, but right now she seems heartless and cruel, let me explain. We met in October in a small local coffee shop, us locals call it The Hideout, it's where most of us go to relax and escape our lives. On this particular day it was just the two of us there, and honestly it must have been fate because that place is always buzzing, anyhow she sat next to the window, it was a rainy Tuesday afternoon, and the raindrops seemed to slow down as they passed her on their journey down the window as if to admire her beauty. We both ordered a simple black coffee with the house speciality scotch rouse, they had our orders done at the same time but she was well into her work, so I brought it to her. “So you a local, or do you just really like visiting small coffee shops in the rain?” And with that one short sentence I fell in love with her, I fell in love with the way her eyes gazed up at me in confusion yet wonder, and I fell in love with the way the words she spoke seemed to flow out of her soft light pink lips like the droplets of water sliding down the window. She said “Well a little bit of both, I’m fairly new here, but I do really love cozy local coffee shops.” I handed her the coffee and asked if I could sit with her, and luckily she blessed me with her company. That afternoon in The Hideout was the best of my life, we learned and laughed, in that night I leanred that she loved llamas not because they were cute fluffy animals, but because they were rude and spit on people, and as weird as it sounds I realized that I also loved that about llamas.

The afternoon grew into evening and closing time approached, I stood up and asked if I could walk her home and she denied, I then requested her phone number and again she rejected me, I asked why and she said you’ll see me again, just meet me in The Hideout. “When?” I asked in wonder of when I’d get to see her again and she said “Only fate will tell” So we both departed the coffee shop in our own directions parting for what seemed like forever.