Darkness Within

Closed in by a darkness,
a bleak coldness that
Consumes me, dragging me
under eating away at
this old bitter heart.

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.

For I have dwelled here so long,
that I've lost the will to believe.
The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope.

Reviews

[Daryl]

I like the dark imagery, and I think its conveyed well. I love writing that delivers feeling directly like this.

You might be able to add even more power to it by applying a little more of the "show rather than tell" approach. For example, the middle stanza is currently:

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.


But if you make it less passive and show me that unbearable pain, make me feel it, put me in that position of being gripped and held motionless by the hatred, it has even more punch.

Maybe something like this? --

I writhe in agony, beg for release,
Broken fingernails clawing at
The icy steel walls of
This prison of hate

(Or, well, something like that. Sorry -- it's late and my brain's getting fuzzier by the word.)

That last stanza carries the feeling of despair very well for me. Nice! (In a dark sort of way, of course!)

[G D Howard]

Very cool! I like this one so much.

[V. K. Harris]

I feel the pain in this one and have many times awaiting light to shatter those clouds. Excellent write.