Darkness Within

Closed in by a darkness,
a bleak coldness that
Consumes me, dragging me
under eating away at
this old bitter heart.

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.

For I have dwelled here so long,
that I've lost the will to believe.
The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope.

Reviews

[Daryl]

I like the dark imagery, and I think its conveyed well. I love writing that delivers feeling directly like this.

You might be able to add even more power to it by applying a little more of the "show rather than tell" approach. For example, the middle stanza is currently:

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.


But if you make it less passive and show me that unbearable pain, make me feel it, put me in that position of being gripped and held motionless by the hatred, it has even more punch.

Maybe something like this? --

I writhe in agony, beg for release,
Broken fingernails clawing at
The icy steel walls of
This prison of hate

(Or, well, something like that. Sorry -- it's late and my brain's getting fuzzier by the word.)

That last stanza carries the feeling of despair very well for me. Nice! (In a dark sort of way, of course!)

[CoraLeigh]

Great imagery and message for one who is at battle within himself/herself. Find the Hope and hold onto it.

[Forest Green]

You're developing a real style of your own; poignant lines that go to the heart of your theme.

Very good work. A worthwhile effort.

Thanks for the submission,

Forest

[Natalie C]

Oh this was brilliant Diana, just love the vividness of your words. Almost forcing your readers to feel and experience the darkened room, personally. Playing games with our senses with your perfectly sad images.

Amazing write, I really loved it!

[Gary H]

I'm guessing this is painting a picture of the insides of a mind where darkness has taken over and has at last seen some small glint of light, a small shard of hope that will colour a previously blackened world. Does this mean I am looking forward to a second part or am asking 'What happens next?' Well, if this influences another poem of this nature then I am!

Enjoyed this.

[Snow White Queen]

I like it. Great imagery. I can actually really relate to this.

[.]

Nice!!!!!! :) Incredible imagery you use with this piece. The darkness, the isolation, the silence, the smells of the darkened room, and the single bright light that surrounds you in this box of depression. I love your descriptions you show us in this poem! Heartbreakingly beautiful!

Mikey

[Dead Angel]

oh this is intense!! very emotional, descriptive, you could feel how lost this person is in the poem. great job!! :)

[Autumn Dawn Gorny]

Very poignant, I feel a sense of of someone locking their own wants away for status quo sake. The inner soul screaming and begging to be released. Great write .

[Karma]

Wow yes, very haunting and a deep darkness. Good write and I love how you can put the feeling of the darkness into words :o)

[Tamme]

As sad as it is I love it. Vivid imagery gives this a haunting feeling.