Darkness Within

Closed in by a darkness,
a bleak coldness that
Consumes me, dragging me
under eating away at
this old bitter heart.

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.

For I have dwelled here so long,
that I've lost the will to believe.
The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope.

Reviews

[Daryl]

I like the dark imagery, and I think its conveyed well. I love writing that delivers feeling directly like this.

You might be able to add even more power to it by applying a little more of the "show rather than tell" approach. For example, the middle stanza is currently:

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.


But if you make it less passive and show me that unbearable pain, make me feel it, put me in that position of being gripped and held motionless by the hatred, it has even more punch.

Maybe something like this? --

I writhe in agony, beg for release,
Broken fingernails clawing at
The icy steel walls of
This prison of hate

(Or, well, something like that. Sorry -- it's late and my brain's getting fuzzier by the word.)

That last stanza carries the feeling of despair very well for me. Nice! (In a dark sort of way, of course!)

[Unspoken Wordz]

Great poem. Reading this poem brings back unwanted thoughts of my past that i still hold in me. Keep writing.

[Shelly Wiseberg]

Excellent write! Very well expressed and in description, Shelly

[Anna]

nicely done!

[Alexander Rivera]

You describe the gloom all too well and its sleuthing poisonous chill. Your dark poems always have something to bite into - a nugget of truth. The only thing I would suggest is maybe add more to the voice of the person or being feeling the hatred and maybe reveal more on that character and see how the darkness had overtaken the soul in the first place. It would bring a lot more for your readers to delve into. Still a good read, though.

[Maria]

IN THE DARKNESS, IS WHERE YOU FIND LIGHT. XD. THIS WAS COOL.

[Jake Svercek]

I felt that the theme of the piece was lost--hope, right? It seemed tacked onto the end. Looking at the other reviews, most of them acknowledged the darkness, but didn't really pay any attention to the hope, which was the...well, hope, of the poem. You have good imagery, there's potential here, but if hope is really what gives the piece depth, if it is your focus, you should expand more on it, and describe it to that effect.

[Vampstyle]

i like what you did with this piece, i can feel the darkness creeping in on this.

[Nana Carmine]

It's dark and wonderful. We all know how it feels to lose hope. Great job.

~Nana Carmine

[Genie]

I've been here so many times, it's hard for me to be objective about this heartwrenching write, Diana .... and it is heartwrenching. The pain is obvious.

I concur with Daryl's suggestion, and I'll add that the word 'this' is used a lot. Unless it's intentional -- it does contribute a nice bit of a hissing sibilance! -- you might consider another word for one or two. Or perhaps the 'showing' of Daryl's comments might accomplish that anyway.

The first and last stanza could stand alone as an effective poem, but I feel like the middle verse carries much of the heart of your intent so I don't want to downplay that one. My favorite lines are the last 3 -- they are outstanding, not only because they're well written but because of the 'light at the end of the tunnel' possibilities.

Thanks so much for sharing this!

[Robert Luna]

You really capture a sense of dread and torment. The imagery played like a scene of a vivid movie. To the point of feel the gloom of all that was surrounding drag her down. The depth of where you are able to pull a reader's imagination is truly wonderful. You take a hold of it and never let go until the very end.