Darkness Within

Closed in by a darkness,
a bleak coldness that
Consumes me, dragging me
under eating away at
this old bitter heart.

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.

For I have dwelled here so long,
that I've lost the will to believe.
The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope.

Reviews

[Daryl]

I like the dark imagery, and I think its conveyed well. I love writing that delivers feeling directly like this.

You might be able to add even more power to it by applying a little more of the "show rather than tell" approach. For example, the middle stanza is currently:

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.


But if you make it less passive and show me that unbearable pain, make me feel it, put me in that position of being gripped and held motionless by the hatred, it has even more punch.

Maybe something like this? --

I writhe in agony, beg for release,
Broken fingernails clawing at
The icy steel walls of
This prison of hate

(Or, well, something like that. Sorry -- it's late and my brain's getting fuzzier by the word.)

That last stanza carries the feeling of despair very well for me. Nice! (In a dark sort of way, of course!)

[MagicHearted Knight]

i absolutly loved the flow and hard edged emotions, you conveyed it this piece. The weight with which the piece pulls on the reader, leave one tired and in need of rest.

[Static C]

I am glad that there is at least one reference to light in this piece. One can never understand darkness without it. We all feel Isolated and closed off sometimes but it is important to remember not to feed these feeling anymore than they hunt down on their own. I am also glad that you indicated some attempt to escape from the despair. to me at least, it means your willing to fight. Thats more important than most people realize. I have often worked with these ideas, and can appreciate the imagery you chose. I think you did a great job of avoiding the cliche`

[Andrea A. Wentz]

Ouh....chilling. To have lost hope and lived in a realm of hatred for so long....I think we've all been there at some point or another, but this really grabbed hold of those feelings and shared them in a way that anyone can read and really feel what it's like to be there.

Really great piece! Thank you for sharing. :D

[Brette Medb]

I got the goosebumps reading this one. The whole tattered nails scratching at the wall part gave me the creeps, I got a nasty visual and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Great write!


Brette

[Celtic Cat]

oh, I recognize this place. An excellent description of the hopelessness that would consume us all if we only allow it. Excellent write.

[budzushammer]

Interresting piece you have here... I would love to see it in our submission box for our editors to review and possibly publish.... www.budzushammer.com

-The Budzu Crew

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Very gut wrenching... it's hard sometimes to let go of things in your past you did wrong no matter how hard you try and you can't seem to move forward with it riding our coat tails... I've know that feeling before... woderfully done.

[Zane Mathias]

Awesome Write. love the imagery, wording and Rmythem. keep up the good work.

[sthrlnd (annmarie)]

I like it. I like your style.
"hope is a good thing and good things never die", quoting Timothy Robins, Shawshank Redemption.

[James Mayfield]

Another great dark piece. This one seems hauntingly familiar to me as I've come close to loosing hope several times in my life. A great write, thanks for sharing.