The Betrayer

It seem right at the time, no one would know.
Just one little taste.
Just one little taste, is what cost me my heart my dignity,
as visions of her face haunt my memories.

The pain in her eyes as my own betrayal reflects back at me,
reminding me of my moment of weakness, a moment of lust.
Now I sit here alone, wishing that I had taken another course,
instead of listening to the devils conscious as he sits
on my shoulder and whispers in my ear.

This door that separates us, it isn’t just a physical
barrier, but an emotional barricade that prevents my pleads of forgiveness.
How can I beg for forgiveness when I can not even forgive myself. I hurt her more than
possibly imaginable and for that I suffer with the consequences of my own action.

with one selfish act, i have proven myself a pathetic accuse for a man, and my only hope
is to win her love and trust back, or just die trying.

Reviews

[Gary H]

I thought the way this integrated so well with the picture was excellent. Obviously only you know if this was deliberate or not! Really tells a powerful story in so few words leaving the reader to imagine the rest. On this basis finding this new something is going to be a big part of your future work. Like the way you still keep a aura of darkness around your writing.

Great work.

[Nana Carmine]

I really like it- you make a powerful point. You've expressed yourself really well. The way the words flow together really works. Great job ^.^

[Touché Armada]

The most common betrayal, good job, its not the worse though the worse I think is not knowing if there is an on going emotional dependence on the person who was a moment of lust,, I think the torment in on going emotional dependence is worse, I think this piece could twist a bit more to reflect the things that are even harder to get over and play on the doubts of a woman's mind deep.. Its easier to forgive over a person who means nothing but what if they didnt mean nothing? Yet he's still asks for forgiveness,, the constant thought of when they may stray once again due to the magnetism that they find too hard to resist. But still I like what you have all the same. =)

[H. A. M.]

Grammer and some mispellings forgiven it's a good try. I would rewrite this line
"The pain in her eyes as my own betrayal reflects back at me,"
could be 'I see the pain in her eyes as my own betrayal reflects back at me," or just play with the sentence. There's more than one way to write this.
The picture works well with this. All in all for trying (as you say) it's not bad.
kudos

[Jenny Davis]

This is filled with raw emotion...hopefully forgiving is around the corner. If not, there is always a lesson learned...
Very good expression in this :)

[Forest Green]

Honing in on the emotions of betrayal is a challenge for short story, even more so perhaps for a poem. Singular words can swing the meaning to new places...as an example, using silence or emptiness in place of pain would be less expected, presenting a twist to the interplay that definitely puts the man in this case at a disadvantage. Pain can heal, but what is one to do with emptiness? Or silence?
You have in the first 'stanza' a solid foundation. The term 'taste' normally quite sensual becomes accusatory and that is good. You might consider this: 'One little taste, one little price...to keep the pair equal and connected.
Anyway, I love the poem and hope my thoughts are only seen as positive contributions.

Thanks so much for the submission.

FG

[Amor-de-angel]

That barrier is always the hardest thing to get past. Can anyone ever really forget and forgive? Nice powerful expression.

[T. L. O'Neal]

This is a powerful statement of remorse and a lack of forgiveness for one's self. It shows the pain of the consequences of one's action when they betray another. Wonderfully written. T

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

What a wonderful and powerful write. The picture just set the whole thing off nicly. Maybe you should try something different again.....its really good :)

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

When trust is broken then love starts to crumble... and cheating is one of the hardest acts os betrayal to recover from...I like the stusture of this poem... excellant work my dear.