Chapter 1 Stacey

If you were murdered for no reason and you had a chance to find out who was the one that killed you would you take it? I never asked myself this question till 2 days ago when my life was taken.

I opened my eyes but I couldn’t see anything. I realised I was blindfolded and my hands and legs were tied. I heard voices. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I knew there was 2 people and they were a few feet away from where I lay. Both the voices sounded familiar but I couldn’t remember who it was. I groaned when I felt my head pounding like hell and remembered where I was and what happened. I got a text from my boyfriend asking me to meet him at the park. We had gotten in a pretty big argument and he wanted to meet me at the park to make up.

I lived closer to the park then him so I got there before him and stood waiting. Then next thing I know I felt a huge pain at the back of my head as if something hit me and I fell to the ground and there was only blackness.

I heard a gasp and then footsteps slowly fading and I guess one of them was running away. I heard another set of footsteps and I thought “good someone is going to untie me.”

But nobody did. I could feel someone above me and I felt their knees on either side of me. Then I felt hands at my neck and they began to squeeze and I quickly realised this person was going to kill me. I tried screaming and struggling but I couldn’t put up much of a fight with my hands and feet tied. My scream came out in a strangled cry as I fought to breath. My life flashed before me and I could feel the darkness closing in. In just a couple of minutes I slipped into darkness again. 

I opened my eyes and was completely surprised when I was surrounded in a fog. I climbed to my feet wondering where I was. I couldn’t see anything the fog was too thick. Then I heard a sweet angelic voice say my name from right behind me. I turned around and gasped. In front of me was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She was tall almost a foot taller than I was. She had long blonde hair that almost touched her waist. Her eyes were the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen and they sparkled kindly and instantly I knew she was someone I could trust.

“Where am I? Is this heaven?” I asked.

She laughed it was a beautiful laugh she sounded like music. “Not exactly. You are halfway between heaven and Earth. Some people come here because they didn’t choose to die. There death was unfair like yours. You were killed at such a young age and you had so much to live for in the future. This is a place that gives you a choice Stacey.”

“What do you mean I have a choice? How do you know my name? Who are you?” I asked having a gazillion questions to ask her.

“My name’s Angelithris but you can call me Angel. You have a choice Stacey because somebody took your life without your consent. Your choice Stacey is would you go back to find who killed you?”

“What do you mean? Like go back as a ghost?” I asked.

“Yes. You’ll be sent back to somebody’s house. Somebody in that house can see and hear you but he/she is the only one that can. This human is your companion. You can’t be more than a kilometre away from this person until after midnight and before dawn.”

“So I can go back and only 1 person can see and hear me. Will I know the person?” I asked thinking of my friends and my boyfriend Jackson.

“Sometimes it does happen but very rarely. It will more likely be someone you’ve seen before but never really paid attention to them. It could be someone you’ve seen around school or even in the supermarket. So do you take my offer?” she said.

“What happens if I don’t?” I asked.

“You’ll go on towards the afterlife. But there’s no going back either way. If you choose to return to Earth as a ghost you can’t change your mind and go on to the afterlife until you find your killer. If you choose to go on to the afterlife you will never have this opportunity again.”

I thought wondering what I should do. After 10 minutes of quietly thinking I made my decision. I looked up at her beautiful blue eyes and said “Ok yes I’ll accept your offer” I said. To my surprise Angel smiled and pulled me into her arms in a tight hug and kissed me on the forehead.

“You have 7 days to find your killer. If you don’t you will be trapped in a place we call Shadowland where there’s only darkness and silence” he said.

“Wait what. You didn’t tell me I only have 7” but I didn’t get to finish. I enveloped into a deep slumber and faintly heard Angel say in her angel voice take this girl 3 months into the future.

I opened my eyes and looked around. I knew it was definitely not mine or any of my friends or Jackson’s despite the posters of football players hanging on the wall. I knew it wasn’t Jackson’s because there was dirty clothes strewn all over the floor and Jackson was a neat freak. I heard the door open and I automatically jumped into a closet leaving the door slightly ajar. I looked through the small space. I saw a boy he looked about my age maybe slightly older and he was extremely cute. He was tall and had a tough build with wavy dark hair and brown eyes and beautifully bronzed skin. He slightly resembled Taylor Lautner.

I couldn’t help but gape when he pulled off his shirt revealing a well-developed 6 pack.  But then he started walking towards the closet and I swore. I saw him look around surprised and I realised he was the one Angel called my companion. Unfortunately he continued walking towards me and pulled the closet door open. I tried hiding amongst his shirts but it was too late he saw me.

He screamed his eyes widened in shock and he stumbled back and fell over a soccer ball. I walked towards him wondering if he was hurt but then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I quickly jumped back into the closet. I could hear a woman’s voice asking “are you okay Justen?”

 

Reviews

[Stan Lee]

A few suggestions. Try to make this more succinct. It will help the story move along. Not everything needs to be explained in detail. Try to show rather than tell the reader what is happening.
"I opened my eyes" happens twice in quick succession... I know it was 2 separate instances but it still seems to confuse the matter.
"I heard a... voice say my name" This might be a better place to introduce the main character? eg. "Angelina" I heard a sweet voice call. ...Again up to you.
I hate to say it but some bits are a bit cheesy. "gazillion questions" and "Taylor Lautner" for example. Though maybe you put this in so that your story was aimed specifically for tweens?
You need to decide if there are any bits that are not totally necessary... If so, take them out.
Hope this helps.
You have a great story line happening here and I can't wait to see what happens next. :)
Keep up the good work.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you :) Yeah you're right. Haha I have a major crush on Taylor Lautner so I guess that's why I used him. But yeah and I didn't even notice I said gazillion questions till you mentioned it. And not really this is aimed at teenagers. I am inspired by R.L Stine who writes similar stories to this for teenagers so I try to use notes from books he writes to suit the story.

[Stan Lee]

Lol. That's ok. What girl doesn't have a crush on Taylor Lautner? :D

[KittyKatgirl]

Haha true :)

[Silent Wolf]

So, I decided to start reading it now. XD

A lot of grammar mistakes - sentences that could be broken up and ones that could be combined, things that seemed rushed (the murder, the meeting of Justen... Nice spelling of the name, too. :3)

I just realized something - I'm writing a book right now on wattpad that's kind of similar to this one...

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you. Yeah that's my worst problem. I am always writing sentences too long. I usually like to start the story straight forward though because it catches the reader's attention. It makes the reader want to know who the killer is and they'll want to keep on reading. But thank you for the advice. I'll take note and fix it up.

[Silent Wolf]

I like the way you started it, it's just that the scene went by rather quickly.

[KittyKatgirl]

Yeah thank you :)

[Not here]

towards the beginning when you say "my life flashed before my eyes" it would be good to mention some past memories, just snapshots of her family or school or friends, something like that. unless you purposefully dont want to, thats ok then. in the paragraph after she asks, "Where am I?" that first sentence could be two or three separate sentences. Also, when she sees Justen, does she feel awkward thinking another guy is "cute" or "hot?" Those are just small things, and anyways, I really like the idea of this story; its unique and well-written. The descriptions are good and the story moves along at a good pace. Ill read the second one now :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you so much. I will fix it up straight away thank you. I've done 4 chapters I think so if you want to keep reading it let me know and I'll post it. But I haven't worked on it much so it doesn't get too interesting yet.

[Not here]

its alright, moving it along slow is just fine when you have interesting characters and these ones are

[KittyKatgirl]

Yeah thank you :) I finally have an opinion on it. I appreciate the advice :)

[Not here]

no problem :) ill ask some of my freinds to read it too

[KittyKatgirl]

Ok thanks so much :)