Heartbreak

This is my first time writing a poem so if there's anything that i need to fix up please critisise me all you want.

When you left

I couldn't stand

I barely could hold my ground

When I fell

I hoped you would catch me

But no

I fell on my knees

While my tears set free

My heart is going to break

Unless if you come back

There's no use waiting

Because you're gone

I cry sitting there

Till my mum comes and stares

She kneels and says to me

"Let your heart break free"

I look at her face

And then I knew

Who I should love

The person who will always be there for me

That is my mum.

Author's Note

I know this is really bad. But I just thought of the words on the spot.

Reviews

[Crystal Overmeyer-Birmi..]

I like the simple pace and movement. You don't need a magnitude of $1.00 words to get your point across something the basics are the best. Good job

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you Crystal :)

[Amy R]

i loved this poem, it wasn't bad at all!
great job !

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you so much :)

[Amy R]

ur welcome :)

[Ren Vaughn]

I actually like this one. I like how you keep referencing postures and positions- sitting, kneeling, falling.. It gives the poem movement.

Also I'm pretty sure Hallmark will make you rich when they find this poem for Mother's Day cards. :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Haha thank you :)

[Cladine]

I actually liked it. It simple and beautiful poem. I'm glad it ended in a happy ending by realizing your mom was still there for you. Keep it up :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you :)

[Roxie M]

No, it is not bad at all! It quite moving, continue writing! It is original and touching.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you :)

[Captain Rilen]

Crystal Madden, I disagree that it is bad. With some editing I feel that you could have a great piece on your hands. I'm not exactly qualified to help you out, but I always find reading something aloud helps quite a bit. The end is quite endearing though and incredibly sweet. Try not to judge yourself too much, as you will come to pick at every detail of your writing. Instead, write, write, write, write and write some more :) The more you do something, the more confident you will become.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you so much :)

[Writergirl]

Aww, very sweet and endearing.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you so much :)

[Aries1984]

The sweetness of the poem, the fact that it is written to your mother is just beautiful. If you want to continue to write poetry, in which I encourage it, start reading some poetry just to sharpen your word knowledge and to get a good understanding of different styles of poetic writing. But at the very heart, be real and true. Don't be afraid to release your emotions.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you so much. I appreciate the feedback.

[Peach]

I like the ending and the sweetness of the poem.

[KittyKatgirl]

Thank you :)