Voyeurism

Click. You turn your back and close the door,
Leaving me to stare at its mahogany surface.
I press myself against the door, as close as I can,
Imagining that it's your body.
In a way, it is.

I peer through the peephole,
Watch you have a life-
A happy and full one-
Without me.
Every smile that's graced your lips
Was never because of me,
But I cherish those smiles my eyes stole.

There's a part of me,
A splinter in the finger that so longs to stroke your hair,
It aches and says:
If I can't be your lover, I don't want to be your friend.

How can I look away
When you are all I've pined for,
Nothing about this is easy.
I will not tear my eyes from you.

The word love rises from my bitter chest,
Expelling itself from my mouth,
Falls at my feet, soundless and weak.
In its home it became so strong,
Unfettered except by bones.
Now it flounders in real air,
The truth spurring it downwards to its death.
It slinks under the door before I can scream for it to stop.

Now years have passed, or hours,
And I have grown into the dusty carpet.
You've left me, in ways that wash over me with forgiveness
Hope
Happiness, even.
You've left me tied to the floor,
You've left me glued to the door,
You've left me. And that's OK.
I can untie all the knots I tied,
I can unstick myself from the mahogany I grew to love.

I've found my legs again.
They were viscous, practically became the motion of a sea,
But I brought them back. You brought them back, too.
I won't discount your role in my upheaval.
One perfect move after another
Brought me back.
As I look back I find myself wondering
If it's an invasion of privacy to my past self.
I have a right to the memories, too.

I don't care if my memories of you are skewed.
I'll always cherish my distorted, perfect view.

Reviews

[AaronFreitas]

I really love your words Emily. Moving on definitely isn't easy... I rest right in between lost love and moving on still treading water trying to find my way. Definitely can relate... good write! :)

[Emily]

Thank you, Aaron. This was an odd write for me, because I left it for weeks, and then I just didn't feel the way I felt when I started writing it.

[AaronFreitas]

I understand I've done that as well.