Thick Skin

Once upon a time I was [1,2]
Naive
The corruption of innocence had just barely begun
And I had the bright and sunny world on a string
Life was good
the size of my stomach did not mean a thing
and even if it did i never brought that thought to light

The dates and the ages from so long ago are faded
The image and the hurt never does [1]
Does it?

Laughing, giggling
But I was just drinking

"Are you pregnant?"
It didn't quite register.
Are
You
Pregnant?

Of course I'm not pregnant how stupid of you to think so I'm not even that shape or size
Am I?
You obviously don't know how our bodies work if you suggest that I hooked up with a guy
You dumb as hell girl-
do you really want to make me cry?

Of course the logic didn't matter
And those words never rushed past my lips
I replied No and moved on
And the instance was buried in the asphalt of the elementary school
But I was done

Ever since then I have been painfully mindful
Of the size of my waist, the width of of my hips
How much my Stomach Protrudes from My Shirt

I have thick skin and big. bones.

Or what about the time I tried on "shapewear"
To fit into a "Size 14" dress?
No longer did I bust out in any way
No longer did I feel proud of myself
Or even remotely at ease
But look! Look how much better it looked
How much better *I* looked
How much more deeply I fell into the chasm of self-hate

This, of course, doesn't matter.
Beauty is pain, and pain doesn't matter as long as you're presentable.
Of course.

I have thick skin, and big. bones.

We weigh our kids in school. Did you know?
In front of everyone, actually.
Every single girl gets to see each other's weight.
Hear it. Memorize it if they so choose.
And every year, when you get weighed, you can hear the teacher's comments.
It's for your health.
It's for your health to get judged by every single girl,
Every single friend you thought you had
And feel like s**t the rest of the week. At best.

So now I watch what I wear.
There can never be too much fabric for me.
Never wear polyester, or too much spandex.
Empire waist dear, they hide everything.
Now I watch how much I eat in company.
Manners mean nothing as long as I don't eat that much.
Watch which way you turn in the aisle between desks
Because you don't want to embarrass yourself by getting stuck.
Because that's your biggest fear.

Dust in the wind, my friends.
I have thick skin, and big. bones.

Author's Note

The numbers represent where to wait before saying the next line and how many "beats" it is.