A Beautiful Girl

Let me paint you a picture

Verbally draft you a scene

Of a beautiful girl

Caught in a world that's so mean

If you're not around to listen

Can you still hear her scream?

Trapped in by every corner

All she wants is to be free

Truth is, freedom lies in her hands

Gently yearning for a brand new start

She desires to know if she still feels pain

Yet freedom and living seem too far apart

Only a few can see her drifting

Losing what is left of a beaten heart

I've lived to long where she wanders now

And beauty still lives if you peek through the bars

Her portrait has been painted

The canvas far too small

It's a cyclical world for this beautiful girl

And everyone is watching her fall

Reviews

[Mark]

Alicia will perhaps forgive me if I disagree with her recommendation. I believe that beautiful thoughts are only made more beautiful when worked into a rhythmic pattern, whether of syllables, rhyme or both. You do have some lovely ideas here, but the line length fluctuates from eleven syllables (And beauty still lives if you peek through the bars) down to six (The canvas far too small). I would suggest you devoted a little more time to lengthening some, abbreviating others, so that your message might be better (ie, less jarringly) conveyed, and hence the musicality of your piece increased. Eight syllables (four iambic feet) might be a suitable compromise. This is of course only one man's opinion, but in your Bio you DID solicit assistance.

[Andrew]

thank you mark i appreciate the assistance and the attention paid to my bio, a newer version will be posted shortly

[Alicia™]

The idea in this is wonderful, but there are certain parts of the wording that sounds a bit forced. I think this is because of the rhyming… Again, I really liked the idea behind this poem. It'd be amazing if you just went with it, and threw away all patterns.

Great job! :)