John: The Dreamer

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Initially, John, a 13-year-old boy, thought it as a strange dream that any human being could possibly have. However, he could not deduce it.

“Today, I felt like I was in a place stranger than the Bermuda triangle,” John expressed to his mother.

His mother ignored him, as she herself has experienced a tragic death in her dream, a few days ago.

“Not while I was sleeping,” he continued.

“Then,” his mother asked.

“It was in my English class, when I suddenly felt strange and I stepped out of it when my teacher intervened.”

“What happened exactly?”

“Telepathy,” he replied.

“What?”

“Yes. I was in an alien landscape where my fellow aliens and I communicated via electromagnetic waves generated in our brains. Then, I suddenly realized that my powers have vanished and my teacher stood in front of me.”

"He must have slept in his class," she thought, “and anything is possible in dreams.”

"Was that a dream or a reality?" he asked himself.

Next morning,

"I had another dream," he said.

"Now, what?" his mother asked anxiously.

"I was absorbing energy from the sun," he replied.

“Why is John having such kind of dreams?” she asked her husband.

"It is just the side-effect of Science Fiction movies," he quipped.

“You are not serious about it.”

"The day he stops watching weird movies, he will be alright."

"Men will be men," she thought.

He kept on dreaming weird things daily, especially at night.

"This is cool, I do not know anyone who has a private Sci-fi theater,” he thought about his dreams.

He shares his Sci-fi dreams with his mother. His father has restricted him from watching any movie, let alone Sci-fi.

"What if I am not getting to watch any movie, my dreams are vivid than these ET’s on TV" he said to himself.

A month passed by,

"It’s high time now. We should consult a psychiatrist,” she expressed authoritatively to her husband.

John had a happy month and was now busy studying Science Fiction books in his room.

"John...John, come down, we need to talk," his father yelled.

"We are going to consult a doctor," his father told him.

"No...No, I don't want to go, I am alright," fearing he would lose his blissful source of entertainment.

“This is not an opinion but a decision. Get ready; we are leaving in fifteen minutes.”

“It is always your decision, I wonder if I have any control over me,” he ranted.

They visit the clinic of a renowned psychiatrist in NYC.

“What kind of dreams do you have?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Weirder than the stuff shown in Sci-fi movies," John remarked.

"Do you have these weird dreams daily?"

"Yes,” he continued, “sometimes, twice in a day."

"What caricatures appear in your dream?"

"It's an alien landscape where I communicate through telepathy, absorb energy from the sun, and can move any object with my eyes. My body consists of a large solar panel like head for absorbing energy, big eyes capable of moving anything, just by visualizing it, and magnetic legs for levitation.”

"This is strange!" said the intrigued psychiatrist.

 

“Did he sustain any brain injury in his childhood?” he inquired John’s parents.

“No, nothing”

 

“So, you see aliens,” he turned to John.

 

“Yes,” he nodded.

 

“And, what do they look like?”

 

“They have large heads like that of an elephant; have a panoramic vision due to the big eyes on either side of the face; yet devoid of nose, ears or mouth. This face is attached to a magnetically levitating wheel.”

 

“These dreams could be a result of watching these sorts of alien on TV, Movies or even a book regarding Extraterrestrials,” pointed the psychiatrist.

 

“But, we have ceased him from watching these aliens on TV or any movies,” said John’s father.

 

“Does he read any books on aliens?” asked the doctor.

 

“Yes, I read books. They are my only source of entertainment,” cried John.

 

“I’m sorry, but they are the root of your dreams. I recommend you to leave these books, but you may read books, watch any TV-program or movie, not relating to aliens,” advised the doctor.

 

“OK, doctor. We would see to it,” nodded his father.

 

“Report me if the problem persists even after taking these measures.”

 

“Sure,” they continued, “Thank you, doctor.”

 

Now, he is cut-off from watching or reading any weird stuff, but the dreams persisted.

 

“I would not share my dreams with anyone. This would allow me to have a normal life,” he thought.

 

He watches the TV programs and reads the books involving aliens, stealthily.

 

“Suddenly, a powerful solar radiation struck the planet resulting in an excessive flow of current in our brains, ultimately leading to the demise of many entities of our species. I am not able to communicate with the remaining members of my species and my visualizing powers have vanished. This has led to a widespread chaos in our community,” John recalled his dream.      

 

Their death was a great grief to John.

 

Suddenly he realized, “Why am I feeling unhappy at the loss of someone in my dreams? After all, it was only a dream, isn't it?”

 

“I wonder if these are only dreams or something strange,” he mused. 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed my work.
Now, please critique my work so that I can improve my writing and excel in the quest for knowledge.
Please share with me what you feel after reading my work, it will help me a long way in improving myself.
Thank you.

Reviews

[K. D. Kromminga]

Typically Science Fiction is all about how future events or future technologies shape the lives of the characters as the dramatic elements of their story unfolds. If the Science-Fiction elements of your story aren't so integral to your plot that they cannot be easily separated then it is not technically good Science Fiction. You can develop that integration either through researching a way to ground your story more in science making it "Hard Science Fiction" or you can develop your characterizations and your themes around compelling future events and make it "Fantastic Fiction".

Right now I'm seeing a possible "First Contact" scenario in your writing, which has been handled many times in Science Fiction. In order to make it fresh you need to find a new angle on it that you can make your own. I would read some "first contact" science fiction also to get some idea about the types and styles of authors in the field. It will not only help you polish your writing, by their examples in structure, syntax and content, but it will also give you an idea of what's already been done by 60-70 years of authors who have written before you.

Stylistically,if you are trying to write a story and not a screenplay, you need four elements present in your work in equal amounts, description and exposition(the setting elements), and action and dialogue (the characterization elements). You have some Exposition(though I am concerned as to whether is information given from the point of view of your viewpoint character), very little if any action(no dialogue tags do not count as action), and almost no description. 90% of your story is dialogue, which by itself cannot draw your reader into the story.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

This is true and helpful

[Dev]

Thank you very much for your valuable suggestion.
I think I should read a lot of Sci-fi books in order to improve myself.

[T. R. Phillips]

Keep going - I want to read more. You have caught my interest.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Dev

My review as promised.

I always keep my promises.

No critique to others who critique, but I am not into observing rules of creative structure.

The general words of wisdom are: 'short sentences', 'buy the reader in in the first sentence' or if not that in the first 'x number' of words'. With some if not most of of that I agree. If you have something worth saying you need to make sure they read on.

However the top 100 most famous works of literature be they listed in 'The New York Times', 'Sunday Times' or by any other apparent sage body, are often the most obscure to the general reader.

I honour Mark Twain's witty quote: “Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.”

Well it rather depends on your objective in writing.

'Under the Volcano' (Malcolm Lowry) always figures in the top 100 best works of literature ever published.

I am a linguist, a Cambridge University Graduate, a scholar in Ancient Greek, Latin, French, English, an interpreter of the most obscure prose.

Yet Lowry's use of language and sentence structure, his opening words and those that follow resulted in my inability to get past the first five chapters. He was a drunk, lived in a shack in Canada and it took him ten years to trot it out. Didn't do him any harm?

James Joyce's 'Ulysses' likewise appearing in the the same top 100 list is equally incomprehensible.

Even the 'Life of Pye' now in film as a novel (yet Mann Booker prize winner) is opaque.

My view of life?

If you just want to sell, follow all the old boring rules.

If you want to make a difference, tell it your way and f**k them all. If it's good enough, you will get an audience anyway.

As for this piece, I find it refreshing by its difference, it's brevity, its consistent change in point of view; the fact it's yours. It is light. It is easy to follow. I can get into the characters.

Keep going. You have bought me in so far.

Let me read the next chapter.

With my kindest regards and all due respect to all as only one voice in a rather extensive literary wilderness.

James Hanna-Magill

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

I think you should discard the first line. It's reads like a bare fish hook; no bait on it. I suggest you start it off with a little "action"; perhaps have John fall out of bed or some other relevant distraction that will permit you to describe and set the scene for the dialog that follows?

[Dev]

Thank you ;-)

[Allegra Pescatore]

First of all the first line has to go, try to find a way to work the fact that he is a 13 year old boy into the first scene, but it put me off up front. Second, pick a point of view and stick with it. If it is omniscient, read some omniscient POV fiction and see how it reads, because right now it feels like a weird in-between of omniscient and limited.

Thoughts should be formatted differently than dialogue, i suggest italics, with no " anywhere in sight, and the a shift bak to regular for the 'she thought'

Some of the dialogue and dream descriptions are a lot of fun, and i kind of wish i was seeing those, not the conversations about them, but thats just me.

While The idea of a thirteen year old having cool dreams about aliens as a lead up to a sci-fi first contact scenario, i like it, but so far the prose just doesn't flow and the pacing is far too fast and broken up into these time lapse segments. Maybe shift it to first person in john's head? that might make the whole thing feel a little more natural a the voice of a thirteen year old can get away with a bit more that omniscient.

Good luck!

[Dev]

Thank you for your review.
I will read Science fiction short stories and novels to improve the presentation of my ideas.
Happy Writing!

[Trigorin]

This is a good concept, and I like what you're doing with the characters, but some of your language is a little odd and stilted, and it just comes off as strange, which distracts the reader from the actual meat of the piece. Be careful to avoid passivity and maybe use a bit less dialogue and a bit more description and exposition. This is a good start, you just need a little bit more tweaking first.

[Dev]

Glad you liked my concept.
I will improve on my shortcomings.
Thank you for reviewing.

[Joanna Johnson]

Hi Dev,

I like the story line. Very intriguing. On the one hand, the shrink and this kid's parents think he's going crazy, but maybe he's really traveling to this other world. You have a good plot there, you could develop it.....

Some writing tips -- try to stay in one tense. I noticed you switch between present and past tense. Also, have you though of changing the language of your character, John. I don't think a 13-year-old would talk like this:
My body consists of a large solar panel like head for absorbing energy, big eyes capable of moving anything, just by visualizing it, and magnetic legs for levitation.

Think of how a boy his age would speak. He may be more like, "due, my body had this big head, and I can eat energy, and I have big eyes, and I talk with the other aliens with my mind."

That's how he might do it.
Other than that, good!

[Mikael Malmberg]

I agree with this review. Keep working on this chapter! Start reviewing other people's work as well. It doesn't do to just write, spam people with PM's and never do anything in return ;)

[Dev]

Hi Joanna,
Thanks for your guidance.
I'll improve my writing so that I can give a better presentation of my ideas.
Thank you for your critique.

[Raven Starhawk]

There is enough here to consider the characters as genuine human beings and not characters in a novel. I can identify in a way with the boy although I am a woman...>.> Anyway I think I can identify with him because his dreams are a certain flavor I consider familiar on a...dreamy? basis. I am not sure I can quite explain it, but how see it, there is a good plot here and certainly snatches my interest.

[Dev]

Thank you for reviewing.
Glad you liked it.
I'll try to write the next chapter soon.

[Addi]

This is a great idea. A few grammatical errors but other than that I look forward to reading more. I'd really like to know more about the characters- what their personalites are, what they look like, etc. Hopefully you will include that in your next chapter :)

[Dev]

Glad you liked the idea. I think I should improve my writing by reading a lot of books and writing a lot of short stories.
Hopefully, I would continue this as soon as possible.
Thank you for reviewing.
Happy Writing!

[Elizabeth Marie O'neil-..]

The scene changes and dialog is a little rough. It started off more like an article, instead of a novel to me. I like the idea behind it though. Like InsanityWriter said, maybe reading it out loud will help smooth things out.

Thank you for sharing! (:

[Dev]

Glad you liked my idea
Thank you for reading and reviewing :-)