Monkeying Around

I’ve spent a lot of time the past month wondering if I’m on the right track. The self indulgence of this is laughable, I mean really...how many people have that luxury? My business and reputation are growing, opportunities are coming my way from the most unexpected sources, and yet it seems like my head is stuck in the clouds where everything is foggy and uncertain.

 

I am seized by a paralysis created by having too many options – similar to gorging myself at an all-you-can-eat buffet…appealing at first glance, but very uncomfortable as the gross amount of food eaten settles into my stomach. These options weigh on me, vying for my attention and confusing my usual clarity of mind.

 

I’ve asked friends for their sage advice, each one contradicting the one before. No help there. I’ve meditated, mind-mapped, and brainstormed till I feel tapped out – with no clear solution in sight. What’s next? Perhaps a hot yoga class, to expel the toxins and paralysis from my weary brain. Not likely, the fear of passing out in that heat quickly eliminates this possibility.

 

I laugh out loud at the thought that I’ll be taking this state of mind to a silent retreat next week. Imagine six days trapped with just these thoughts - just me and my monkey mind! One would think that would be enough incentive to create some urgency and clarity, now, before I leave.

 

I wonder, “What the hell is my big picture? How do these opportunities come together?” and the most radical thought of all, “What’s in it for me?” As crazy as it may sound, that’s not a question that often comes to mind. I’ve spent a lifetime supporting, encouraging, empowering others – fulfilling this need I have to contribute, to make a difference beyond my own existence.

 

What’s in it for me? Perhaps this will become clear in the silence. Maybe the answer is waiting for me out there on the path of the labyrinth. Maybe I just have to choose. Like the clouds in the sky, this too will pass whether I do something or not. I remember a friend once telling me about a Buddhist saying that relates to our thinking – the sun rises and the sun sets. Neither is good or bad, it’s simply what’s so. Just like my mind, monkeying around and causing mischief. It’s just the sun setting and I can let it be.

Reviews

[Dianne]

I can't tell you how glad I am to see you posting here. One step at a time is how we all make our dreams come true. Even when you're not sure what your big picture is if you keep on walking you will arrive at your dream. And isn't that more important than the big picture? Keep on writing!