Desolation

Desolation

A Poem by Devanshu Rajput
"

Life of a desolate. Let me make this clear:- The poem does not convey my feelings. It is just about someone who is a victim of depression, that's all!

"

I am sad and also sometimes glad,

Over the life to me bestowed.

Thinking about it makes me mad,

I should be striding on which road?

*

This life is brief and I am in grief,

I now hope for a ray of light.

Here, my life is like a fallen leaf

I wander like a string-less kite.

*

Even the satanic sky asks why,

 This cold world here is cruel to me,

 Rather than to live, I long to die,

Perhaps that way I can be free.

© 2015 Devanshu Rajput


Author's Note

Devanshu Rajput
The poem adheres a strict syllable count of :- 9,8,9,8. And, rhyme scheme is also very strict. It is one of the toughest poem by me.

The poem is not about me, it is what I got in my mind, and then I let it flow in words. I am very positive by the way.

As always, the doors for critics are always welcome. Be harsh and strict while reviewing. I want to make this good.

I thank Sir Tate and Perkele.7885, for there kindness.

Thanks for stopping by and sparing time upon my work. Reading it is as same as honoring my efforts.

I firstly had named it "Introvert" but changed it and put "Pessimist". but soon after I again changed it to "Desolation" as many reviewers told me that, introversion and pessimism are different from depression. Thanks to those reviewers.

Image source:- Google

Devanshu

My Review

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Featured Review

I wander like a stringless kite.
This can happen on more occasions than one.
As soon as I read this line, I thought that as a dreamer I can relate to it.
Just a thought.

Your poem is amazing. The rhyme scheme was good too.
The ideas were expressed brilliantly.
You are very cheerful and that's why its a pleasant surprise how you carved out a poem from the view point of a loner with such perfection!
Kudos!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for the beautiful review. I'm glad you liked it.

Devanshu
This comment has been deleted by the website administrators.



Reviews

The poem is so wonderful, Devanshu. Considering the syllable count and the rhyming scheme, this must have been super difficult to write and you've managed the task with sheer brilliance. Hats off! :) The poem tells the story of someone who's depressed. It expresses the confusion and conflicting feelings such a person would go through very effectively. Nicely written. Keep up the good work! :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

In your reviews, you have always been very critical. To be praised by you, is a great feat for me. <.. read more
Bushra Naqshbandi

9 Years Ago

Sorry for all the criticism but I always mean it in a healthy way and kind of seems wrong to me not .. read more
Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

I am sorry, you took my comment otherwise. I didn't mean that.

You do right. We will.. read more
even better now!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for it.

Devanshu
I will take you up on being brutally honest. Not many people are here on this site. It's seems 99 percent of the comments left on this site are hollow praise afraid they might hurt someone's feelings. This is a decent poem but it feels very forced into the rhymes. This happens 9 times out of 10 with these metered poems. First line glad and sad very generic simplistic rhymes. I'm was thrown by the phrase "satanic sky". I came to quick halt in the reading to stop and contemplate the reason you chose this description. Also I like to use the word perhaps instead of maybe it takes the vocabulary to a higher level. Hope, you view these comments as constructive. I wish more people would critique my work in this manner. I think we would all progress a little faster if yes did. Have a great day.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

You really are very true. We will find many people who can applaud us, but few who will show you mir.. read more
Devanshu,

This is a well thought out piece. I can see you have put your very best into this. I can't fault this in anyway shape or form!! You are rising to the top, to become a very impressive poet.

Keep up the good work my friend. I am extremely imressed with this. Glad I stumbled upon it!

Kind regards,

Helena

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for accepting the invitation to come to read my poem.

The poem has taken my 4.. read more
A tough one on rhythmic platform, but maintained well. Love this.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for the compliment.

Devanshu
Saddam

9 Years Ago

Most welcome
I think you've done wonderfully with this piece. The font you chose really works with the atmosphere of this piece, and I'm really impressed by how well you were able to write it(considering that you were working under such a strict rhyme scheme). For the most part, nothing really seemed clumsy, but there was one line that didn't sound right to me, Over the life to me bestowed."(Now I may be wrong, but I don't think I am). However, considering how tough it must have been for you to keep to the criteria you wanted to meet on this poem, it is definitely excusable. Also, great job with the rhymes.

So in the end, I give this a 95/100. Superb performance, I must say! :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for the great review and ratings. I appreciate your suggestions.

I will be mor.. read more
DoormanDan

9 Years Ago

You are very welcome. If I'm honest, I can't really think of an alternative line that wouldn't ruin.. read more
Look at the last line of the first stanza: It is stiff and it does not really read well since "which" indicates a questions. Try rewording it to something like : That I 'm striding on such a road. (which still has an 8 syllable count)
Second stanza looks great!
The third stanza again has some language issues also: "to me" is tense but indicates someone is bringing you something or that you think or feel something. So try putting a adjective like bright or blue or dark in front of sky and word it as "asks me why" will look like "Now, even the ___sky asks me why"
The second line also has an issue: You use the preposition "in" with "in here" but there is nothing to indicate where that is. If you use something directional there has to be an image to go with it. Again you can fix it by putting an adjective in front of world and dropping the word in "This ___world, here, is cruel to me." I was thinking "cold" would work.

Overall this is a good poem and it shows that you are willing to work and grow in your art and craft. Reading writers who use strict meter or syllable counts will be helpful to the craft.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

I wholeheartedly welcome your suggestions. I will make amendments to my poem, keeping in my mind you.. read more
Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

I have tried to change my piece. You can have a look.

Devanshu
JayceeC

9 Years Ago

It looks much better now and still flows well the language issues are gone so it is a successful edi.. read more
Its really nice bhai and rhyming
words are good.
Internal rhyming is brillant I liked it
really.
One day you will command this form by all means I assure...

Posted 9 Years Ago


Over all I think you did a great job. There are a few things that bother me though. The last line in the first stanza doesn't sound right to my ear and if it were me I would reword it. That's me though. Second stanza is solid. Third stanza, second line; inner turmoil? You could easily say "out there" to emphasize what a cruel world it is. That's a petty suggestion. I agree with Dr Wood on the word "glee". Unless the person is also crazy along with depressed. All in all a great work. CD

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

Thanks for the review and suggestions. No advice for me is 'petty', all suggestions matter to me. read more
CD Campbell

9 Years Ago

Thinking about it.
CD Campbell

9 Years Ago

The world out there's a grueling test
maybe that will give me some rest.

Bes.. read more
Finely maintained the flow of your scheme and turned out well. Good one Devanshu. Keep Writing More :) God Bless

Posted 9 Years Ago


Devanshu Rajput

9 Years Ago

I will. Thanks for the encouraging review.

Devanhu
Mitali Shah

9 Years Ago

your welcome dear

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Added on May 10, 2015
Last Updated on May 13, 2015

Author

Devanshu Rajput
Devanshu Rajput

India



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Dear visitor, The above graphic is message from the very core of my heart. This is indeed my abode. It has been a very long time that I am here on this site. To be honest, this site, in my .. more..

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