Acrostic-1 Melancholia

A further attempt by the fragile poet, that resides in me. This time with a motive to convey the feelings of a pessimist or an melancholic, written in Acrostic style.

Melancholia is the word for my life

Every desire and will is lost to further thrive 

Lost is everything that once belonged to me

Apathy is all I have after Thee

No trust resides in me for my fate

Chorus of curses, is what, I no longer hate

Hope in me has long since died

Oh! There is no one who can guide,

Last, I long to reach the death’s gate,

I now can do nothing but wait,

At last, Melancholia is the word for my life.

Author's Note

Please, scrutinize and then blatantly criticize, this piece of mine. Be ruthless and merciless while reviewing. I will be highly obliged.

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Devanshu

Thank you for the compliment or your many reviews, which, by what follows, I return.

Well done for being 'Featured Writer' on 'The Blue Rose Cafe' of which I am also a member.

Let me get straight into this. I often do a long preamble to what I have to say, which connects the writer with the words.

But here I will keep it as simple as I can, in my own way.

Everything I am about to say is to help you and not to harm. It is just pure honesty in one person's review.

Form: 11 lines of acrostic verse.

So you spell out 'melancholia' in the first word of each line.

What I admire here is that you do not just do acrostic, you let the last two lines mirror the first two in reverse in rhyme:

'Melancholia is the word for my life
Every hope and will is lost to further thrive'

to start; and to finish:

'I have lost all hope, to further hope and thrive
Anyway, Melancholia is the word for my life.'

Life ... thrive: Thrive ... life

I have a piece on here which is acrostic but it is also what some term 'concrete'. That means, yes you can read down the first word of each line to get words and meaning, but not only do you have to read across the page too, the shape of the words on the page reflect the sentiments expressed.

The link:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/jameshannamagill/1133726/

You need not review.

Rhyme: It rhymes largely in couplets. But because there are 11 lines and not an even number of lines, you cannot do it all in couplets. The stray line is: 'Last, I hope to reach the death’s gate,'. You also rely on a rhyme which is a little thin, but to which I do not object: 'Life' ... 'thrive'

Rhythm: Beats or syllables to the bar? There is no fixed pattern, but no one line gets out of your average to make it feel out of joint.

Use of language: You manipulate words well to get your point across. But two words jar for me here. And they are 'boo' (a colloquialism) and 'Anyway' (more a part of prose or common speech than poetry). I also find 'the Thee' offbeat. But actually it has some merit because of the sound and its own voice. So I accept. Otherwise your words are not complex.

Simile or metaphor: There is none. But this is straight and you try to keep it simple. Neither is needed.

Please take this as one reader's point of view. You will have as many points of view as readers of this poem.

Meaning: Whilst the meaning of other poems may be obscure, you by your title and spelling the word down the page make it very clear: 'Melancholia' (sadness or depression).

Favourite lines, this couplet which says it all:

'Hope in me has long since died
Oh! There is no one who can guide,'

There is something fundamental you say here about the state of life, about its lower patterns and the suffering we alone at times have to ride.

Perhaps we at times think we are special because we are sad. But depression and sadness form part of all of our lives at one time or another, unless we have no caring spirit or one of empathy.

You show empathy in this poem for all in sorrow. For that I congratulate you.

In that sense, it is generalistic and it applies to us all. You ring bells in all our heads.

That is my review such as it is.

As I say my job is to help you.

If I do not do that for you, I will have failed you.

I hope not.

With my kindest regards

James

[Tate Morgan]

Devanshu. I like to call reviews by James as being the recipient of the Magill award you'll never see a better review he is good soul I hope you get along well he is honest and kind congratulations

[Devanshu Rajput]

Dear James,

You are welcome. I enjoyed reading your works.

Why should I be harmed by your words. Didn't I write in my note, that be critical while reviewing. We can find many people who will applaud you, but less, who can you show you the mirror or criticize you for your shortcomings.

For Rhyme: You are right. I first thought, to make it rhyme like the first twelve lines of sonnet. But, unfortunately, the lines were odd in number. It disrupted my all calculations. I first, thought to discard the word "melancholia", and opt for any other word. But, I had gone much far with this. So, I had to go with it.

You are right, I will weed out those stray lines, and get better substitutions. To be honest, I here have forced many words to rhyme. So, this also resulted in loopholes.

For rhythm: I have not employed, meter here. In fact, I have only employed meter, in writing like limericks or haiku. But, in my forthcoming writings, I will employ it.

For use of language: Thanks for bringing, my attention to this. I will fix it. You are right. They sound informal. I know, the word 'thee' is redundant. But, it was the only word in my vocabulary, to rhyme with "me".

I am glad, that a person like you not only read and reviewed my poem, but, also pointed out the weakness, in it.

You are true. Sadness and depression are the cruelest irony of life.

My current vocabulary is not enough, to thank you.

As, something is better than nothing. Thanks!

Thanks, for attributing your precious time.
Thanks, for pointing out errors.
Thanks, for last but not the least, your kindness.

Thanking you,
Devanshu

[Devanshu Rajput]

Your are true Tate. I am happy, that I have been bestowed with this accolade the third time!

Who can be, more lucky than me?

Thanks, James, for all your commentaries.

Devanshu

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Devanshu, Thank you if what I have said has helped. You write well. We all need to know what others think. You have just gained me as a friend. James

James

[wordman]

you did a great job on this write

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks Mr. Wordman.

Devanshu

[wordman]

you are welcome

[Rita L. Sev]

Excellent job with this rhyming acrostic, Devanshu! You stayed true to the technical style, and more impressively, you make the reader feel something. Well done!

[Devanshu Rajput]

Glad to see you. Thanks for reading and leaving behind this review, I appreciate it.

Cheers,
Devanshu

[andrew mitchell]

I leave the suggestions to the experts however I will say a most enjoyable write and clever

[Perkele.7885]

Dev, I will critique your work, never will I blatantly criticize. It serves no good purpose to break the back of a struggling writer. You chose the subject of your poem, Melancholia and then wrote the poem to fit the format of Acrostic.
It is in the individual lines of the poem where you must blend and solidify your message and bring everything together.
Nothing is easy, Dev! Keep writing and improvement will surprise you!

[Devanshu Rajput]

I am really thankful of yours. You reviews have always provided me confidence. I am having paucity of words to thank you.

Devanshu

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Not many get Acrostics to flow as you have and James has provided a very detailed analysis which no one could better. One suggestion:
Fourth line: Apathy is all I have after Thee-delete the 'the'

[Devanshu Rajput]

Done! Thanks for reading and providing suggestions.

Devanshu

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You are most welcome!

[ANTO]

Hi Devanshu - I find acrostics very difficult to pen without feeling constrained and losing some feeling and sacrificing some artistic licence. I felt this was a very strong poem though - it is a very debilitating condition but one from which springs forth words and inspiration - its us talking to us, I feel.
Can I just say that I had a couple issue with this otherwise very fine write;
1/ the repeated use of 'to further' and the word 'thrive' could have been avoided to keep the writing fresh throughout
2/ the flippancy of the word 'Anyway' - while fitting to a poem on say about laziness or just hanging around on a lazy day - doesnt seem to fit here, for me, very well. Even a big dramatic 'And - etc etc' would have been better than Anyway.
The font choice, formatting and highlighting font colour I really liked too.
:))

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for pointing out the weakness. I will immediately get to work.

Thanks for the compliment.

Devanshu

[ANTO]

Its my pleasure Dev. Glad you thought I helped. That encourages me in my reviews . :))

[Miss Sharon]

Well I hope this is just your muse and not the way you feel about your life. You asked for critique so here is mine. I believe the word hope is used too many times in the write. Look in a thesaurus for synonyms for the word hope and use some of them. You could tighten up some of the lines and cut the clutter...for example (I have lost all hope, to further hope and thrive....edit to I have lost all hope to thrive) In line 2 and 10 your end word is thrive. You might use a different word in one of those lines. The opening line might be more effective with a metaphor....Melancholia is my life and sometimes poets end the write by repeating the opening line. So the closing line would be, Anyway...melancholia is my life. ~Sharon

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for these suggestions. I will definitely make amendments according to this.

When I receive this much support from others, I feel highly privileged .

Again thanks for guiding this novice writer. I owe you very much.

Devanshu

[Miss Sharon]

You are very welcome my friend. By no means am I an expert, but I've been writing and studying how to improve for quite some time and hoped you would appreciate the critique. ~Sharon

[Devanshu Rajput]

I have indeed.

Devanshu

[~]

I hope your melancholia will be replaced soon..acrostics are difficult, but to me, you managed to send a clear message to the reader.

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks. It, Indeed a herculean task to write a an acrostic.

I am grateful of humble words. They are much appreciated.

Devanshu

[Fran Marie]

A great acrostic poem...nicely penned in both content and form..nice work!

[Devanshu Rajput]

Thanks for reviewing.I am grateful of yours.

Devanshu

[Leslie Philibert]

James has written a very good review here,all in all a good write that needs work.

[Devanshu Rajput]

Indeed! Thanks for reading and stopping by.

I am grateful of your both reviews.
read moreIndeed! Thanks for reading and stopping by.

I am grateful of your both reviews.

Devanshu