Shitake

I won't even try to explain this one...

"Mikey."

"Will."

"Get on the couch. Get on the couch right now."

"Oh s**t, what is it?"

"Spiders, Mikey! They're coming out of the walls!" I screamed, desperate for a way to escape from the room, which was slowly shrinking and becoming occupied with spiders the size of my Great Dane, Malroy.

"Where's Malroy?!" Mikey shouted.

"Oh no, my dog! Will, What do we do? What do we do!!!" I yelled as I grabbed the small lamp off my end table to ward away the spiders. One of them made a quick dash towards me, and I jumped even higher onto the couch than previously possible.

            These weren't normal spiders. At this distance I could see into its eyes, all six of them. He had a red body with distinct black spots, I assume filled with poison, and a purple head with enormous fangs sticking out and dripping with fluids. I could hear a crunch with every move of its legs. It just stood there as I watched its body rise and fall. It felt as if he was drawing his breath straight out of my lungs. I was absolutely unable to move. After a good minute, the hideous beast began to sink into my carpet, leaving not a single trace on the floor.

"What's happening, Mikey?! Where'd they go?!"

            As the last word of that sentence left my mouth, I caught a glimpse of something moving up the stairs to the main floor of my house. There was one spider remaining, climbing my stairs at lightning speed, dragging behind it a body that was almost completely wrapped up in its web. Only the head was protruding from the vicious wrap. It was Malroy. My fear was eliminated and replaced with immense zeal to rescue my beloved dog. The crash of the lamp's bulb as it hit the floor was enough to distract the spider from its path. It returned to the bottom of the stairs and locked its eyes to mine.

"Go, Will! Go! Save Malroy!" Mikey shrieked. Malroy was the biggest badass I knew, and would protect me at all costs. Now it was my turn to save him. It was about eighty feet from my couch to the stairway, and I covered that first fifty feet like a coked up Cheetah. The only thing that halted my advance was Mikey's voice.

"Will, wait! The floor! It's gone!"

He was right. The floor was dissipating, pieces falling into oblivion like a crumbling jigsaw. All that remained was eternal blackness.

"I'm gonna jump it, Mikey." I said confidently.

"No! You can never make it!" Will warned. I would do anything to rescue Malroy, but I could never save him if I was dead.

            Although I tackle almost any obstacle, me and Mikey had been friends a long time, and I learned to listen to his advice, as he was the more rational of the two of us. He was the thinker, and I was the doer. Now there was an impassable gap in between me and  Malroy. My frustration turned to horror as I watched the spiders head transform into the head of Neil Patrick Harris. He gave out a sinister laugh, a laugh that NPH could never produce. It was gone in a blink of the eye, completely out of sight. I sank to my knees. My best friend was gone.

            Mikey was crying such a subtle cry that it took a while to catch my attention. He was sitting upright with his face in his palms, shaking violently.

"Malroy," He uttered, "He's gone. Gone! There's nothing we can do!"

"No... No he's not. We're going after him, Mikey. We can't give up on Malroy!"

"Do you see the floor right now! How are we even gonna get out of here?! How are we gonna find him! He could be in Waterford by now!"

Maybe Mikey was right. But I couldn't give up. I was going after Malroy no matter what, and the first step was finding a way across the crevice plaguing my basement.

"It's obvious, Mikey! The carpet's gone, right?" I questioned.

"Yeah, it fell into the earth!" He replied.

"So..." I exclaimed, "We need to move the carpet that still here, over there!"

"You really think that'll work?"

I was already toiling away at the carpet with my pocket knife. As I released the fabric from the glue binding it to the cement, green puss oozed out onto my hand. Although it burned intensely, I kept going until I had enough carpet in my arms to cover the hole separating us from my stairs.

"Here goes nothing!" I unfurled the carpet all at once, and watched it magically shrink and expand as it perfectly filled the fissure.

"Will, look!" Mikey yelled.

"I know! Let's go find Malroy!"

"No, look behind you!"

I whipped my body around to see what Mikey was talking about. Out of the newly uncovered cement rose a spider, the one with the red body and black spots.

            "Run!!!" Mikey screeched, already halfway up the stairs. After a brief hesitation I started towards the stairs, too. Before I reached the top I heard the spider yell, "Wait!"

I stopped dead.

"Hold up! I have something for you! Seriously, I'm not gonna bite you, just get your a*s down here!"

"Don't, Will!" Mikey warned. I just held my hand up to him, interested in what the spider had for us. I returned to my basement and saw the spider holding out a slip of paper. I raced over to him and snatched the paper. Written on it in spider handwriting was, "@stickyricky".

"@stickyricky?"

"That's his twitter name. The spider that took your dog. Maybe it'll help you find out where he went." The spider said.

"Wow, thanks." I replied.

"That spider is evil, Mikey. He's done unspeakable things to people who opposed him. He slept with my wife. Now go save Malroy, Mikey, go!"

I nodded and began a sprint for my computer upstairs. I put my foot on the first step then stopped, turned my head, and faced the spider.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Tim." He replied solemnly. I offered him a look that implied thankfulness and continued my journey.

By the time I got to my computer, Mikey already opened up twitter.

            "What's the name again?" I handed him the slip of paper that Tim gave me.

"This is a pot pie recipe..."

"What!?" I grabbed it out of Mikey's hand to look for the name I read before. By the time my eyes were upon the text, the paper burst into purple flames.

"S**t! What're we gonna do now?" I said as I shook Mikey by the shoulders.

"Calm down, Will, just try to remember the name."

I racked my brain. The first name I thought of was Billiam, and from there on it was hard to divert my thoughts from the name Billiam.

"I can't remember!" I screeched as I pounded my fists on the desk. "Wait a minute..." I had an epiphany when I saw the ashes of the departed  paper on my white tile floor. I scooped them up the best I could, cupping them in my hand and bringing them up to my face. I found a clearing on the cluttered desk and gently blew the ashes onto the wood. When they settled, they clearly spelled, "@stickyricky".

"That's it!" I cried out, "Sticky Ricky!"

Mikey furiously typed the name into the search engine and clicked on the first result. We saw the profile picture of a spider with a blow up doll and a fifth of Jager and knew it was him. Spiders love Jager.

"His last tweet says, "Chillin in some white kids room wit my new homie", and there's a picture underneath. Looks like this came from his instagram." Mikey informed me.

"Well, click on it!"

Mikey did as I said, and terror struck my heart as the picture filled my screen. There he was with Malroy, in my room! Taking selfies with my dog right before he planned to eat him! "That b*****d's gonna wish he kept that picture on instagram, because I'm coming after him with the might of one thousand samurai," I thought. I grabbed a pair of scissors from the junk drawer under the desk and started towards the second flight of stairs which led to my bedroom. Mikey grabbed my arm before I could get very far.

            "You really think you're gonna rescue Malroy with a pair of child-safety scissors?" He inquired.

"We don't have time!" I screamed, wrestling my arms from Mikey's clutches.

"Will! Think about this! We need to have a plan. Don't you have a crossbow in the garage?"

"I sold it for pot, Mikey!" These scissors are all I have!" That's when I noticed an ominous glow coming from behind my friend, illuminating his skin. I tossed him aside to see what it was, and was stunned by what I saw.

"It's Narsil, Mikey! Aragorn's sword!"

"Will, you're a king! A god damn king!"

The sword floated in mid-air, its splendor filling the room. I grasped it and felt a powerful shiver pass through my body. I had a new sense of control, eager to face my opponent. I looked towards the night sky, realizing this nightmare was almost over.

"I'm coming, Malroy."

            I tenderly placed my hand on the doorknob. My fingers wrapped around the brass. A bead of sweat rolled down my face. I pictured the battle of Minis Tirith in my head, imagining Aragorn's every move. I was ready to fight this demon, and save my dog. I gave Mikey one last look, and his nod signaled he was ready. After a few deep breaths I flung the door open, prepared for whatever awaited me. But there was nothing. I quickly scanned the room, but it was completely empty. I began to tear up, fearing I'd never see Malroy again. I felt a drop of a thick liquid fall onto my forehead. Fearing the worst, I slowly looked up at my ceiling. There he was, a two hundred pound tarantula ready to pounce and end my life. He simply dropped on top of me before I could react, and then, blackness.

            "Huh..." I awoke from a daze to a dogs moist tongue up my nostril. My eyes opened, and a few moments later I gained vision. "Malroy!"

My life was restored. I had my dog. But how?

"Will? Will!" I shouted for my friend. No response. "Will!!!"

I went into every room, checking the bathroom first, seeing as I've found him on the floor in there more than once. After searching my entire house, I concluded he had left. I unplugged my phone from the wall in my basement to give him a call when I saw a text from him.

            Dude, last night was messed up.... no more shrooms for us lol. Ask Chad what was even in those, that was not normal bro. look at ur carpet man. u ripped ur cabinet door off, too. sorry i left but i had s**t to do. i'll help u clean up later if u want. at least we got Malroy back tho, right? haha

Author's Note

Just meant to entertain, enjoi

Reviews

[Rana]

Totally hilarious! You've got some really crazy and entertaining ideas no one could come up with. I'm so tempted to check out @stickyricky on twitter. A nice little fictitious adventure with the best dialogues and everything. Enjoyed.