Drowning With No Water

People don't really talk about their depression, when lots of people do have it. This is my experience of it.

"Would you drown with no water, or would you fly with no air?"

That was what my friend asked me as we talked about my hopelessness and emotions. I'm depressed; I don't need a doctor to tell me so. Depression isn't just sadness. Sadness is a natural emotion that takes place as a result of disappointment and/or a traumatic event. Depression is a sadness felt when life is all good.  It's a disease you can't just will away or get over. It's not imaginary, but may rise out of no where. It's an illness for a reason. Ignoring these red flags is a red flag in itself. If you say that nothing is bothering you, you wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.

Robin Williams died recently, and that got me thinking about my own feelings. Why am I hiding away from people? I'm ignoring my friends and hid away in solitude for the summer before Senior year, my most important year of high school. I hoped and prayed that this will actually spread awareness for something so serious, that lots of people share but are too afraid to speak up. Yes, it had some effect, but I feel as if it's not enough.

I don't even know what's wrong with me. I feel everything and completely nothing at the same time. Having an emotional overload in my heart makes it so heavy that I can't even feel the dynamics of emotions itself. I feel so helpless; my future doesn't seem so bright. I doubt my success, my potential and my well-being. I even doubt my intellect and contribution to the world, something I've been dreaming of doing since I was a little kid. 

Would I be able to go to the college I'd like to go? Would I finally get out of Oregon? It's such a miserable state for me with such beauty . . . but I'm already too dead to even enjoy it. Would I be happy someday? Would I be able to afford . . . anything? Every single time I think of college applications, scholarships, and my SATs retake, I suddenly get into an inescapable panic attack. My fears and anxiety come rushing at me in a form of a flash flood. That's why I need my counselor, and why I halted my process for the meantime. 

What's worse is that fatigue controls my body, creating a cycle of guilt from not being able to do anything, and anxiety from the things that I need to do for the future. It's like I'm an exhausted little hamster running endlessly on that hamster wheel. It's such an inescapable predicament.

I used to have confidence in myself, at least in my talents and intellectual mind. But both started falling as I pressured myself to do better, ignoring my happiness in the process. Straight A's. Not talking to friends. Having no time to relax. Then, one day, I just lost interest in drawing and writing. I couldn't do the things I loved without getting discouraged and/or distracted. I can't even read for long periods of time anymore without having negative thoughts and emotions pulling me away into an unknown abyss. This took a toll to my grades and caused even more distress. I felt like I was drowning without water. And I didn't know what to do with myself; I felt insane.

This isn't even a recent experience for me. I've had a large panic attack five years ago, literally turning me insane. My mind broke and never recovered. I'm sane and know the difference between dreams and reality, but I'm still picking up the pieces. So really, I'm in chronic depression and stress, so much so that I'm numbed by it. I didn't realize that I still had a problem until I couldn't control my suppressed emotions any longer.

I've had therapy prior to my recovery, however I wasn't using it wisely. I want to talk to my friends about my problem, but I feel too much of a burden. They have their own problems. I rather help them. 

All summer long I felt like I was marooned into a lonely island, calling for a rescue that would never come. All the company I have are my demons, trapping me in this vortex of negativity. They poke and pry, tear and scream, scratch and laugh as I sit, unmoving, in the dark. I want to call out, but I can't even make a single sound.

Author's Note

Please be friendly and considerate.

Reviews

[mortaldivergence]

I can 100% relate to how you feel.

[Decere Tiozon]

Yeah. It's really stressful isn't it? We can talk in private if you want.