Back To Neverland

Daydreaming before falling alseep

When I was younger, daydreaming before falling asleep was an everyday adventure. Multiple worlds form in my head, each served its purpose. One for exploration, one for satisfaction, one for sexual curiosity, and so on and so forth. These aren’t random dreams that occurred; instead, they were fantasies that fed my overactive, stimulation-crazy mind. As I entered puberty, I stopped dreaming these elaborate worlds. I thought that I was becoming too old for it all, so I left.

Interestingly enough, Neverland was the largest, most precious world I visited almost every night. I imagined Peter Pan knocking on my window, asking me to play with him. Tinker Bell, just a bit jealous, wanted me along for the adventure. The miniscule Pixie swirled around me, dusting off her magic. Thinking happy thoughts, it only took a second for the sparkling dust to work; I was already flying around my room. I snuck out the window with my two friends, flew to the sky, and travelled toward a bright star.

Usually, when I reached Neverland, that’s when I began teetering off the edge of consciousness. Most of my travels in that lone island are forgotten, becoming dreams in their own right, without my sense of control. When I wake up in the morning, I have already forgotten what had happened just like any other dream that I had experienced. I would love to remember what Peter, Tink, the Lost Boys and I did together, but I guess I grew up.

I remember finally making the decision to stop visiting Neverland. I was so sad that I was teary-eyed watching the daydream take place before my mind’s eye. Peter Pan knocked on my window, gave me that wondrous smile, and came in without trouble. Tinker Bell sensed my anxiety, but kept quiet. I told Peter right away that I wasn’t coming back, that that was the last time we’d ever be together. He was disappointed of course, but great things must come to an end. He listened to my woes, sitting down on my bed with absolute understanding.

“You know that you wouldn’t be able to come back, right?” he reminded me.

I nodded. “I know,” I whispered.

He sighed, knowing the inevitable. “You’ll grow up, like Wendy did. You wouldn’t be able to fly again. You love flying, don’t you?”

“I do,” I answered. “I do love flying, but I think it’s time for me to grow up.”

“You’re still eleven years old,” he chuckled. “You can stay longer.”

“But . . .”

“You don’t want to,” he finished.

I walked towards him, pulling him in a huge embrace. He lifted my chin and gave me a gentle kiss. He pulled away with Tinker Bell coming towards me with a huge kiss on the cheek. She chimed a sad note, thanking me for our time together. Before flying out the window, Peter said, “Don’t forget me; I’ll never forget you.”

“I’ll always remember,” I smiled, and they flew away. I closed the window, then fell asleep.

Today, I had the realization that these daydreams before falling asleep not only put me to rest peacefully, but repelled negative thinking. After leaving my worlds, I became utterly depressed for no reason. Falling asleep was a nightmare. My brain was so used to thinking a scenario, so I did. Every night I wouldn’t return to my worlds. Instead, I made a new world. However, this wasn’t the freedom-loving place I usually went to. No; this time it’s filled with such negativity that it exhausted me in the real world. Right before I fall asleep, I would reimagine what took place that day, what I could have done differently and the most embarrassing moments I had done. Not only that, I began imagining the worst-case scenarios for my future. This usually included not being able to go to college, living in the streets, living a miserable life, or dying suddenly. This changed my creative mind to a more chaotic, self-loathing atmosphere.

All through this, I tried looking for a solution to these automatic negative thoughts. I tried coping with them, learning more about emotions, meditation, etc. Nothing really worked. Until last night. Instead of thinking about the absolute worse, I tried re-entering my various worlds. The once crisp imagery became so blurry. Controlling what happened without getting distracted by another negative thought proved difficult. And most of all, I couldn’t really remember what these worlds were like.

One of the first things I did was flying. I imagined floating above our house at night. I dove, twisted and push. Again, the imagery was very blurry. Before, I used to imagine what it felt like to be in that situation, feeling the force of gravity when I dove toward the ground and lifted up to the sky. That exhilarating daydream became a flat image, like watching a movie instead of experiencing it myself.

Peter came back to my window (though, this time, it’s a different house). He looked at me with astonishment. Of course I looked different. Imagining him again made me feel nostalgic, but also reminded me that I wasn’t the same person six years ago. It didn’t feel the same, and I felt embarrassed for thinking of something so childish.

Concentrating on a fantasy scenario was hard. So I let go. I let my mind take whatever picture or experience it wanted to go. If I saw a flying monkey, I saw a flying monkey. If I felt horrible, I felt horrible. I didn’t force anything to happen, just let randomness help me fall asleep. Last night was one of the most relaxing nights I had in a long time. And I intend on returning to that state of mind, strengthening my imagination and experience in it. It’ll be a huge emotional healing.

Reviews

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Amazing imagery, I loved the idea of this story. :)