The Alpine Legend (The Eagle and the Ram)

Dear all,

 

I have two versions of the same poem, and I am lost as to which to keep, or whether to combine the two.  Any feedback regarding the subject would be much appreciated.

 

VERSION 1:

 

It is said they had come to know
each other in the land where snow
mixes with newborn clouds.
He was exquisite �" head to toe
as white as snow, as pure as honor,
as mountains all around.

 

Her color was pitch-black, like coal,
as dark as the fertile soil
in valleys far beneath,
as bareness of sullen stone,
as darkness that descends upon
a bottomless abyss.

 

She loved to toy with danger and
regarded life to be a chain
of calculated wins.
He was the hero of snow slides,
of the perpetual frail clouds,
and frothing mountain streams.

 

She summoned him into the sky �"-
he longed to join her, to fly
into the boundless scope.
He would embrace her with his smile,
cursing his impotence all the while,
from a steep mountain slope.

 

One day he finally went mad.
Spring finally had come, and wrapped
new grass around the creek.
He said: “I will sprint so fast
that I will rise and fly at last.” �"
and climbed the tallest peak.

 

She shouted: “Wait!” �" but he was gone,
a young wind that had tagged along
thrashed about in a frenzy.
He pushed and lifted off in flight;
the moist crest did not have time
to cushion his landing.

 

The time rolled on without a sound.
Ice waters on their journey down
carried on the narration.
He peacefully slept, engulfed in snow.
Her faithful wind was offering her
ridiculous explanations.

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

VERSION 2:

They met, or so the legend says,
between worlds, in a sacred place
where earth and sky collide.
Her feathers shimmered like old gold.
His muscles rippled beneath his coat "
as white as snow is white.

The mountain range " it was his home.
He knew the face of every stone
and every secret trail.
She often watched him from above.
The newborn wind gusts used to love
to ride upon her tail.

She'd brush past him as she swooped low
to catch a current down below
and ride it into skies.
His hoof-beat echoed her heartbeat.
No crevasse appeared so deep
next to her watchful eyes.

She beckoned him to follow her,
to spread his wings at last and soar
above the violet clouds.
Filled with desire and regret
he'd trace her distant silhouette,
alone down on the ground.

And so they went on for days;
she'd drink her fill of blood, he'd graze.
Each drank the other's scent.
And neither cared what fate may bring,
until at last a tired spring
reached their distant land.

Something inside of him gave way. 
He said, “I can't go on this way.”
he climbed upon a ledge.
“I have no wings, but I need none. 
I can’t fly, but I sure can run,”
and sprinted for the edge.

She followed, struggling to keep pace.
A stray wind joined their race.
Time slowed to a crawl.
He leapt and rose into the sky.
The rocks below had no time to cushion his fall.

Ah, they say it was quite a sight to see them flying side by side!
……………………………………………….
…waters rushed downhill...
He slept at the foot of the cliff...
She perched nearby, blind in her grief...
Even the wind was still………..

 

 

Author's Note

I originally wrote this poem at 7, in Russian, and translated it twice. Not sure which of the two versions to keep. Thanks!

Reviews

[Kiari Sabon]

hmmmm both are good idk which is best..................... why not jus keep it like this

[fireblossom]

I like the second best. It touches me like a lyric fable. A tragedy. I feel your Russian heart and soul. Perhaps your youth caused the purity I drink from your spring.

:-)

[Raymond]

Oh btw, I'm an Aries (the ram) ready, shoot, aim...yeah its a committed lifestyle

[Raymond]

Damn I dont want to choose... I love them both..just put them both in your book of demon sorrows :)...the first is just a little better overall but the second has some great stuff...welcome to my no-help review LOL