venting

A Story by pixie

pain

pain

I have lived a life of pain in one form or another.. most know most of my story some know very little.. but not going vent about my life troubles just about the pain my own body puts me through the pain iv come to be used to the arthritis pain iv grown to know so well since i was baby iv always hard problems iv always had to try twice hard as every one i knew just to get out bed and walk down the hall... most know this about me and i have grown used to all that and iv excepted the way i am i can no change it even if i wanted to so i deal the very best i can even if people dont agree or see that i do every day has been a struggle.

Latly i have been having new pains somthing iv never come across and that was makes me so afrade and angry and in so much pain that i can barely describe it to my own doctor..

Its in my hip it a sharp grinding and feels like claws in my hip socket ripping and taring at my hip that can come and go as it pleases and started two months ago would happen mostly evening into night time so sleeping was a b***h.. on top of that pain it has been muscle spasms. just under my hip going across my leg and down to just top of my knee and it like those wierd leg crams you usualy get in your cafe after runing or swiming with out streaching i get in my thigh to the point i can move it and first i wake up at 2 and 3 in morning with these cramps close to tears trying not to wake anyone else up with my whisper yelling at my leg to stop it

i went on meds and doc sent me for x rays wich the pain med helps but i can still feel pulsing of the pain the tenderness. the xray come back just find and tells me if keep hurting another month he will do a mri on my back thinking it coming from there he dosnt seem to be in a hurry and at time the pain was once in a while maybe once or twice week depends on what was going on i delt with it
a week after seeing him it been hurting almost every day from some variation of problems from just hip pain or just muscle or both at once and then one day my hip dose somthing different im not able to move it forword but few inches and then like a wall stops me and my hip hurts alot even on pain meds and i can stand on it but walking was just very wrong i tryed all kinds of ways to figure out why it was doing it .. the next day it was goes and it has still be going through the different pain once in while i wont have any i feel as im able to breath again..

but i know it wont last and i get scard and worried that something more is going on and i hate not knowing whats going on or fixing it thats the thing with my pain i can never fix it and more i do the more my body turns on me and as i go through my life i feel as though i have less and less control over my body and it not that i feel young in an old person body im not that young anymore ill be 30 in two years i feel as though i have less and less energry not just in every day life but dreams i once had arnt so bright anymore and i hate that my body has stolen the life from me and i try hard to fit it i try hard not to let get to me it not about be postive anymore cus i hope and pray and work hard every day but it about siting back and seeing what my life my body is for what it is and dealing with it that way i am a realest i see things they way they are not the what ifs in life.. i know that one day my body will not be able to walk i know that once day my hands will be stuck and ill need help with every little thing in my life and it sucks and i know my family hates to ear and dosent want to see it but in realtiy it already started and so even know i look for ways to make my life easer or at least think ahead for when i might need things becuase i want to be as free as i can be even when i cant do things for my self i have always fought for every thing every breath every day to get up and walk down the hall

cus i fear the day i wont be able to i struggle with that all the time i just wish for just more time for less pain so i can atleast make some my dreams come true im so tired of playing things safe an not living my life the way i want cus my body wont let me i just wish i had answers