A Way To Say "I Love You"

This is a short story I wrote. I hope you enjoy it.

“How could you?” I asked Amanda.

“Well, it had to be done. You guys can't pretend anymore. You both know you like each other. I had to,” she replied.

I still couldn't believe she did this to me. She had to no right to tell him how I felt about him. That was for me and me alone to do. I bet he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore now, I thought. Nothing would ever be the same between Jonathan and I anymore, all thanks to Amanda.

“I told you not to! And you still went and told him! He probably will never speak to me ever again and it's all your fault! Are you happy?” I was half yelling now, I was so mad at her.

“Actually, yes. He had the right to know. I just thought--” I cut her off.

“NO! You had no right to tell him how I feel. That was for me to explain to him, but no. You just thought you could tell him how I feel. But you have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what's going on in my head. So, how could you tell him? After I told you plenty of times not to. Some friend you are,” I replied. I started walking away, back into my house, but Amanda got hold of my arm.

“What?!” I screamed at her.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just thought it would be better if he knew. If he got it into his head that you guys have something more,” she said sincerely.

I looked into her goldish eyes. She was being serious. I knew she meant it. I really did, but I still couldn't believe she would do this to me.

“It doesn't matter. You ruined everything. You ruined my whole friendship with Jonathan. And now you've ruined ours. I hope you got what you wanted,” I told her. She looked shocked. Amanda let go of my arm and I started walking again.

When I got inside, I walked into my room. I went to sit on my bed, but I couldn't move any further. I started crying. This brings back so much, I thought. In fifth grade, I liked this kid and he found out and never spoke to me again. I have been so afraid of a boy finding out that I like him since then. Mainly because the guys I like are my friends, and I don't want them hating me. Now that Jonathan knows, I am so afraid of what he thinks. Does he care? Is he grossed out? Does he like me back? Is he thinking about me as a girlfriend? So many questions and so many tears. I was so mad at Amanda.

I didn't realize what time it was until it started getting dark outside. I checked my phone for the time and saw that it was eight eleven. I suppose I should get a shower now, I thought to myself. I went into the bathroom and checked my phone again, out of habit. I noticed I had a text message. It was from Jonathan:

We need to talk.

Was all it said. I ignored it. I got my shower, and when I got out, I checked my phone again. I had another message from Jonathan. It said:

Please, Joci, answer me.

Then, I saw that I had three calls from him. I would've called him, or texted him even, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him. I made a mental note to talk to him tomorrow. I just couldn't face this right now.

Jonathan's my best friend. We are like brother and sister. Heck, we even say we are. Mostly because we read Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson and the Olympians series and we say that we're the children of Poseidon(and you can't date someone from your own cabin, duh!). But, I started to have feelings for him. And, well, he didn't. Or at least, none that I know of. I know him, though. I know how he is. I know what he likes, and he does not like me. Of course, now I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Jonathan has the whole nerd thing going on. Also, he looks like Harry Potter, no lie, but he has brown eyes. He even has the glasses. He's super smart and awesome. He's really fun to be around and he likes me for who I am. Just not the way I want him to.

Me? I have this caramel colored hair and green eyes that change to a golden color when I'm in the sun for awhile. I'm kind of short . . . I'm four ten. I guess I'm pretty but I'm not so sure. I also have glasses.

All of our friends, even random strangers, say that we should date because we're perfect for each other. Which, I guess, is kind of true. We like the same things and we have our inside jokes, but I just can't get past us being friends. I don't want this to make things different. I may be good with change, but I am so not good with different. Especially different in a bad way.

All I want is for this to pass over and to go on with life. I want everything to be the same, but I want everything to be different. I want me and Jonathan to be together. It would be so easy for us. I can't really describe it because it would be like trying to describe what water tastes like.

It was a Friday so I didn't have school in the morning. It was around nine so I went into the living room to watch my show, Supernatural. Usually, I would watch it with my mom, but she works all day on Wednesdays and Fridays.

When the show was over, I went back into my room and read for a little. Then, I went to bed. That's when things got interesting.

In my dream, I was being chased. Not by monsters, not by anyone. I was being chased by my own memories. The day Alex wouldn't talk to me and I didn't know why. The day the people I thought were my friends turned against me. The day Tommy knew I liked him. The day I learned Cieara had moved unexpectedly(worst Unicorn Day ever).

Then the worst of all. The haunted memory of another dream. The dream of Jonathan dying. I've had many dreams of death, mine included, but none was as horrible as this. Seeing his lifeless body in the middle of the pentagram(don't ask) was worse than anything I've ever had to deal with. Although, this hasn't actually happened(obviously) I still couldn't take it. It felt so real. The pain of losing him. Losing him before I could tell him how I really feel, not whatever stupid story Amanda made up. I just felt like crying inside and out. And that's exactly what I did.

I woke up, choking on my own tears. I sat up and got some water from the cup I kept on my night stand. I wiped my eyes and went into the bathroom to pee. Gods, I thought, that was the worst dream ever. And trust me, I've had a lot of bad dreams.

When I was done going to the bathroom, I went back to bed. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I checked my phone for the time. It was three thirteen in the morning. Ugh. I then noticed I had three texts and five missed calls. All of them from Jonathan. The messages consisted of numerous ways to say that we needed to talk. So, being the sarcastic, almost annoying person I am, I called him.

It rang maybe two times before he answered.

“JOCI! I thought you might have freaking died! Why haven't you answered my texts or calls?” he exclaimed. I was kind of shocked by his reaction.

“Uh, um...,” I also kind of didn't know what to say. “Listen, Amanda told me what she told you. Well, she kinda did. I didn't really give her a chance to explain everything but I didn't really need to. I knew what she did, just by the look on her face when she came by to tell me. Then, when we were done talking, I cried for awhile, took a shower, watched Supernatural, and went to bed. I then proceeded to have a nightmare and just woke up now. By the way, what are you doing up at three fifteen in the morning?”

“Yeah, I know I should be asleep, but I can't. Not without knowing the truth. I'm sorry you cried,” was all he said. It almost made me want to cry all over again.

“Hey, I'm okay now. I would say it's not your fault, but it kinda is,” I laughed after I said that. Jonathan did too.

At that moment, I knew that even though he kind of knew the truth, but not really, he was still my best friend. Some things had changed though. I completely opened up to him about my crying and he didn't say anything about it besides that he was sorry. It totally melted my heart.

“Actually, it's Amanda's,” he replied.

“This is true. We should go TP her house,” I said, jokingly.

“Okay, let's go,” he said seriously.

“Are you serious?” I asked in shock.

“No, I'm Severus,” Jonathan said sarcastically.

“Ha. Ha. Good one. But seriously. We can't TP her house for real. It would be too easy. We have to something worse, but not as bad at the same time,” I suggested.

“Hmm, I don't know. I'm honestly really tired. I didn't get sleep like someone else,” he retorted teasingly.

“Okay, fine. Go to bed, you big baby. Gods, I swear for a teenage boy, you sure don't act like one,” I told him.

“Shut up. Night, Joci,” he said with a yawn.

“Night night. Don't let the empousi bite!” I said. Empousi are like the Greek Mythology version of vampires.

I hung up and put my phone away. I was still awake and couldn't sleep. I went out to the living room and turned on the TV. I searched through the channels, nothing was on. I sighed and went back into my room. I took out my laptop and checked my Facebook and email. It was three forty seven in the morning, so nothing was going on. I figured it would be better to go to sleep, so I did. It wasn't a good sleep though. Although, there were no nightmares.

When I woke up, it was almost eleven in the morning. It was kind of early for me since school just started and I was really tired last night. I went out to the kitchen and made myself some eggs and toast. I also had a glass of milk with it. It was really good. By the time I was finished with that, it was about eleven thirty-five. I went back into my room and checked my phone for any messages. Jonathan called me and left me a voicemail. It said, “Hey, I know you're probably not up yet, but I wanted to call you anyways. Listen, I'm leaving for Boston today and I want to see you before. So we can talk and stuff. I don't want to wait for when I get back because I won't be back until Monday. I can't wait that long to talk to you in person. Please call me back, Joci. Bye.”

I called him back. I told him he could come by and hang out for a couple hours. My mom wasn't home for some reason, I didn't care. Grandma was visiting my uncle, her son, so she wasn't home either. I was home all alone. Thanks for telling me, everyone, I thought. Since no one was home, I let our two dogs outside to go to the bathroom. Then, I went into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth. Jonathan was coming at twelve. I didn't get dressed, though. There was no point really.

Jonathan and I have an interesting relationship. He usually sees me when I'm not dressed. In actually clothes, I mean. I usually always wear my pajamas. My pajamas aren't that interesting. I have cloud and star pants and then my Beauty and the Beast hoodie from when the High School did it when my sister was there.

It was almost time for Jonathan to get here. I started to get really nervous. What would he say? It seemed like there was nothing different between us. Would he tell me that he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Then the big question, would he want us to start dating because he felt the same way? I kind of felt like texting Aubrey, but I really didn't want to talk about it. I wanted this to be a secret. That and I was still tired and a bit lazy.

Then there was a knock on the door. I took an intake of breath. I walked up to the door slowly. When I finally got to the door, I breathed in and out. I opened the door. There he was. Jonathan was wearing his pi shirt. Of course he would be, I thought sarcastically.

He looked at me with these, I don't know how to put it, sort of sad eyes. Or maybe they were just nervous. I don't know.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey, can I come in?” he asked. He never asks if he can come in. Usually, he just does.

“Of course you can. Since when do you ask?” I replied playfully, trying to lighten the mood. I kind of failed.

He didn't answer. I took that as a bad sign. I was going to say something, but he did first.

“Joci, look. Ever since Amanda told me, I can't stop thinking about you. It would make sense if we dated, but I'm just not over her,” her, meaning Juliana, the girl he's had a crush on for about three years now. “I do like you, really. I was just being a silly, blind guy for the past two years. Another thing, I do know that Juliana doesn't like me. I just don't want to give up the hope that maybe she will, in time. I think...I think I'm going to try to get over her. For you.”

I didn't know what to say. All my fears of him not feeling the same way were wrong. Not completely right, but still wrong. He's going to try to get over her...for me. It was all so much. Then I realized something.

“When do you leave for Boston?” I asked Jonathan.

“At one o'clock. I should probably get going,” he said.

“Wait, how did you get here?”

“I walked.” Of course he did. Gods, this guy is so weird.

“Well, okay. I guess you should leave then. I'll miss you,” I said taking a chance that he'll miss me too.

“I'll miss you too.”

Then he kissed me.

I was speechless. I watched him walk out the door and down my street. I couldn't believe he kissed me. It was everything I wanted it to be, everything I imagined it to be.

Now, I had to text Aubrey. I sent her:

omg guess what!!!

Not a minute later she replied with:

what?!?!?!

I said:

JONATHAN KISSED ME!!!!!!!! *blushes *

Now, it took her two minutes to respond. She said:

OMG! NO. WAY.!!!! What was it like?!?!

I told her how it was, in the best way I could. Aubrey was so excited for me. Then she asked if we were going out. I told her:

not really. He said he still has to get over juliana. But he said he would for me :D

This is why I loved Aubrey. She was so easy to talk to and always there for me. She answered me:

awww that is sooo sweet! Are you guys gunna go out on like a date or something?????

lol no. he's going to boston until monday. But hopefully after ;):I sent.

Aubrey told me that she hopes so too and that she had to go. We said bye and I went into my room. I turned on my laptop, I have a MacBook. I checked some stuff, like Facebook and my email. After I was done with that, I got dressed in some jean shorts and my Gryffindor t-shirt. Then I put on my Kate Voegele hoodie. I went out into the living room and got my dog, Fluffy's, leash. I called him and he came running. He's still a puppy, so I like taking him on walks. I put the leash on him and opened the door.

We walked into the street and I got a text. I was from Jonathan:

I'm missing you already.

At that, my heart melted. It was less than a half hour since he left. I replied with:

me too :)

He didn't respond. He usually doesn't because he has minutes, so he doesn't want to waste them.

I remembered when he came over and we made the Periodic Table of Elements out of mini cupcakes. We made icing and used food dye. My mom was helping and she was looking for it. She asked him, “Where's the food coloring?” He answered with “In my pocket.” It's kind of our little joke.

After our walk I unhooked Fluffy's leash and put it back up on the little hook where it stays when we aren't using it. I went and checked his water dish. It needed water so I filled it. Fluffy's always really thirsty after our walks. Probably because he's running the whole time.

I checked the time. It was two o'clock now. I wasn't sure what to do now, so I just went in my room and read a book.

When I finished that book, It was six in the evening. Where's my mom? I wondered. I went out into the kitchen, where our home computer is, she wasn't there. Hmm. I looked in her bedroom, wasn't there either. I decided to call her.

It rang four times before she answered.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hey, where are you? I haven't seen you all day,” I said.

“I'm over Shawn's,” her boyfriend. “Didn't you get my note?” she asked.

“No...Where did you leave it?”

“On your door.”

“Yeah...Did not see it at all.”

“Oh, oh well. I'll be home in a little to make dinner, okay?”

“Okay, good because I'm starved.” I said.

She laughed. “Didn't you eat anything?”

“Kinda.” Then, I laughed.

“Okay, I'll be home in a little, sweetie.” She replied.

“Mmk, love you, bye.” I said and hung up.

When my mom finally came home, we had her special breaded chicken(it's amazing!), corn, and home-made mashed potatoes. It was delicious. It was around seven thirty, so I went back into my room as it started to rain. Then came the thunder and lightning. As I looked out my window, I noticed the leaves were falling from the wind. I remembered something I read in a book. I got really inspired so I got out my poem book and started to write. I honestly think it's the best poem I've written in a while.

Monday morning came and I was super excited to go to school for once. Today was the day Jonathan was coming home. He told me he would be a little late, but he would be in for our third period class. We had it together. I could hardly wait. He also told me he got me something.

I got up and dressed. Hopefully I looked okay. Then I went out for breakfast. My mom made French toast. It was good, as it always is. I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth. After that, I went back into my room and got my book bag. I always get my stuff together the night before school so I have more time in the morning. It was almost time to go. I walked back out into the kitchen and asked my mom if she was ready. My mom drives me to school most days, today being one of them.

“Have a good day, sweetie,” my mom told me as I got out of the car.

I nodded and said, “I will!”

As I walked onto campus, I found Aubrey. She was looking sort of anxious. When she saw me, she instantly brightened up.

“JOCI! Oh my God. I thought you were never going to get here!” she exclaimed and then hugged me.

“Aubrey, traffic does happen you know,” I said sarcastically. “Now, can you let me go? People are staring.”

She let me down and looked around. “Oh, right. Sorry. Well, did anything else happen?! When is he coming back?”

“Today. Third period.”

“Omg, awesome. So, are you guys like a couple yet or...?”

“Nah, not yet. I think we're close, though,” I said with a smile. I checked the time. “Well, I have to get to homeroom, so I'll talk to you later, kay?”

“Yeah, sure. See you.”

I walked away from Aubrey. I was getting all jittery. The more time past, the closer it came to when I can see Jonathan. It was a really nice feeling.

Homeroom and first period were nothing special. I was just very excited and anxious. I glanced at the clock every five seconds. Second period was almost half over. I was supposed to be listening to my Latin teacher and taking notes, but all I could think about was Jonathan.

Five minutes later, the phone rang.

My teacher got up to answer it and her face sank. She called my name.

“Go to the office. They have something to tell you,” she told me.

I started walking, confused. When I got to the office, they all looked sad. One of the secretaries was actually crying. I started to get scared.

“Jocelyn?” someone asked me.

I nodded slowly.

“Is Jonathan Daniels your friend?”

“Yes...what is this about?” I asked.

“His plane crashed right outside the airport. He's in the hospital. He is unconscious. His parents called and told us right before he passed out, he asked for you,” someone else told me.

I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I felt like crying, but didn't. I looked around and saw my mom.

I looked at her. “Will you take me?”

“Yes, of course. If you're allowed,” she said. Her eyes looked watery.

Then, the principal walked in. He looked at me and said one word.

“Go.”

I basically ran out the door.

We got to the hospital in thirty minutes. I asked the lady at the front desk where his room was. She asked me if I was family.

“Listen. Me and him kissed right before he left. We're kinda dating. So, if you don't let me in then I will go in every room until I find his room,” I told her flatly. Needless to say, she told me his room number.

I walked to the door of his room. I took a deep breath. I walked in.

First, I saw his parents. I saw his mom crying. I saw his sister with a bandaged arm. I guess she hurt it or something.

Then, I saw him. He looked so fragile and little on the bed. I broke down crying right there. His family left the room to give us privacy or something. I went to his left side and sad down. I looked at his face. He had a bandage on his head. His leg was broken and he had two fractured ribs. I guess he passed out from his head injury. The doctors told his parents he should wake up soon. I hoped so.

I told him, “I know you can't hear me, but you better wake up. Otherwise, I'm gunna regret not telling you everything. I love you, Jonathan. I don't know what Amanda told you, but she can't possibly know how I feel. I feel so much right now. I feel pain, love, and regret to name a few. I love you so much. I know I'm only fourteen, but it feels so real. And I know you feel it too. Please wake up.”

I started crying even harder after that. An hour later, the doctors told me I had to leave the room while they did some testing. I didn't want to, but I complied. When they told me I could go back in, I refused. I couldn't go in there. Not again. It was too much pain for me.

After twenty minutes, I sighed and got up the courage to go in. I sat down where I did before and just looked at him. Then, I held his hand. His parents drove his sister home so she could rest. I was the only one here. My mom went back to work. I was so sad. I couldn't see him like this. I did something I would've never done in any other circumstance.

Now, I'm not religious or anything. I really don't know what's out there, so I just prayed to nothing and everything at the same time.

Please. Whoever runs this show, wake him up. I need to tell him everything. I need him to know how I really feel. If not for me, for his family. His mother. Please, I can't stand to see him like this. Please, I pleaded to whomever is up there.

When nothing happened, I cried again.

The doctor's told me he shouldn't be unconscious this long. They did some more tests and honestly didn't know what was wrong.

A few hours later, they told me to go home. Now, this is not something I was going to do.

“No. I want to stay. I will sleep here if I have to. I am not leaving him,” I told them boldly.

When they told me I had to go, I refused. Finally, they gave up and gave me a pillow.

Good thing I can fall asleep anywhere.

I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at the clock. It said it was only ten fifty-seven. I got up and went to the bathroom. I checked on Jonathan. He was still asleep as ever. I decided to watch him for a little. I looked at the clock again. It read eleven eleven. I pleaded again.

He opened his eyes. I started crying again.

“Joci, wha-what are you doing here?” he asked confused.

“You asked for me remember?” I told him as I cried.

“Yeah, but-ugh.” he tired sitting up. He couldn't.

“Yeah, don't do that. You have two fractured ribs.”

“I noticed. Gah. Stupid plane. How's everyone else?” he asked.

“They're fine. Your sister broke her arm or something. Other than that, they're okay. I stayed here because I couldn't leave you,” I said with a little more emotion than necessary.

He looked at me then. He looked at me with such intensity, it surprised me. He sat up, I tried to stop him, but he stopped me with a kiss. It was longer than our first and even more passionate. I pulled back and stared at him. I couldn't believe this was happening.

I asked him, “Where's the food coloring?” Meaning, “I love you.” I hoped he would respond the way I wanted him to.

“In my pocket.” Meaning, “I love you too.”

I called Amanda. It was a short call.

“Don't talk. All I want to say is, thank you. Jonathan and I have been dating for a week now and I guess it's thanks to you. Yes, I am still mad at you. No, I'm not ready to be friends again. Maybe in time. And we could never be as close because you have lost my trust. If you prove yourself and show me you can be trusted, maybe I'll confide in you again. Bye,” was all I said. I didn't even give her the chance to reply.

A year later, Jonathan and I were still dating. We were even more in love. Amanda and I were friends, but not as close. Aubrey and her boyfriend, Logan, sometimes double date with Jonathan and I. I know this sounds naïve, but I think this boy is the one. I think he knows it too. He gave me blue(my favorite color) food coloring as part of my one year anniversary present. This guy is a keeper.

Author's Note

What did you think? No rude comments please.