I should have run away

Fear gripped my soul from the sight of you. My hackles raised high every time you flittered by. Hypervigilant and guarded to the mere sight of you. My chest burned with light. A light suffocated in fear. Gripping my light so tightly I stood my ground. Again and again you passed by me and I turned away. My back was seared by your light. I should have run away before you came. Instead I embraced the pain. I knew it would end with me broken to pieces.

I stood my ground, maybe the fear held me in it’s tight embrace. How am I to know? We met for our first hello. Nothing special, but I watched so carefully and waited. I was braced for the suffering to come. The light I felt inside of you and inside of me grew until it burned me inside out. I should of run away. I felt myself beginning to trust you.

We talked about the burdens we bear an I carried your weight for a time. I got to see you and I felt so seen in a way I never have before. My self-loathing stifled by your light, I stepped forward into the world. My fear my steppingstones I ran to meet you. Every moment I danced upon my fears and insecurities, but your light my flame and I the moth. I began to burn. My fears unclenched my soul and I began to relax into your light. I should have run away, I knew what was to come.

The days were so joyful and I felt so safe. I knew it wouldn’t last. I spent the night holding you and gently stroking your hair. To touch your light and gently stoke it was all I ever wanted. I was content to hold you and wanted nothing more. Luxuriating in your light was enough for an eternity for me. I should have run away, the time had come.

You told me your pains and your sorrows and he came back into your life. You told me you had no choice but to go to him. I let you go, I would never hold you back. Your body shook and you told me you weren’t afraid, so I held you and carried you along. I didn’t want you to go, but I would never hold you back. As you went to him and to find your peace I lost my own. I knew the end had come. I should have run away, but it was too late.