Lost & found

Spiritual growth and maturity

 

On my scarred knees staring into blankness, my eyes burnt from dried tears, no reply to my voiceless cries causing my mind to doubt His existence. It’s been said He’s like the air that I breathe, why aren’t I consumed by you? Aren’t I worthy? Am I worthy? Is it that I’ve made countless promises before to do as you would do and the disappointing  end result was another broken promise, is this why I don’t see your footprints along with mine as I walk across the shore? Has your love outgrown me? How can I keep the faith but yet consumed by doubt? Ashamed of what I am, my heart scared and cold overwhelmed by the bitterness of this worldly filled with circumstantial love that has failed to love me unconditionally. Why am I lost? The Shepherd lost only one of his sheep and he left his many to find that one, as hopeless as a penny with a hole it, worthless unworthy I am. I’ve grown weary from colliding head-on 100 mile plus into this dead end wall, wishing the demise of this useless vessel. Shun from the world no longer accepted because of all mine errors. No place to go. I‘ve taken a seat in a corner of the lowest point of my life. Down and out. One day as I sat in the midst of self doubt and distrust.  I heard a whisper it was unclear and I turned around and took a look back and it was too dark no face seen, then I heard the voice again it was some what distorted and still no face the brick wall was there which reminded me of failures of my present which brought a sense of doubt to haunt me once again. Then the whispers evolved to the sweetest voice called which called out to me, I looked down there wasn’t any place to.  I began to cry why? Why taunt me? The voice called out once more and I looked up into the inevitable there was this feeling some would describe it like the feel of the summer rain falling on their skin and others would possibly describe it like the smell of the autumn leave basking in the noonday sun. But the feeling I felt, that day was like being born again.  The feeling of being suffocated at the hands of this cold world was no more, I could breath without any restraints, and my harden heart, once weighed down with the burdens and fear instantly became revitalized. And that once felt sadness was restored with gladness. Weakness replaced by strength. I realized that I’d come to far to turn back but I still had to deal with this road block of my present in my way, my mind propositioned with the doubt of His goodness, it dawned on me I remembered all what He had done for me. I began proclaiming my future, my victory and His goodness. Right before my eyes brick by brick began to fall at my feet and not once did I stumble nor fall. And this time…I allowed him to lead and I followed. I giving him charge of all things. Understanding that His presence and position is perpetual and unconditional in my life.  Faith. My testimony.