ROOM 108

This one's not a war story boys and girls.

Cody took a long drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke up into the ceiling fan that was slowly circulating over his head. The smoke quickly spread through the small bedroom. There was a sharp knock on the door.
"Cody please don't smoke in my house. I Can't stand the stink."
"I'm sorry ma." Cody replied "I'll put it out."
Cody sat up on the edge of his bead and put the cigarette out in a coffee cup that was sitting on the night stand. He glanced around the room. A claustrophobic space with a rickety bed, cheap dresser and ugly curtains that always made daylight seem uninvited. Nothing had been changed for the nearly two years he'd been away. The room was his mother's shrine to him and it made him feel sad. Like she was waiting for him to come back home and be her baby boy again. Cody took a long, deep sigh. He hadn't been away from his unit a week and he was already bored out of his mind.
     Cody had wanted to be a Marine for as long as he could remember. Handsome, athletic and smart he went out for force recon and excelled at their rigorous requirements. After his basic reconnaissance training he qualified jump school, ranger/ pathfinder school, SCUBA school, special weapons and explosives, scout/ sniper school and counterinsurgency training. The corps had trained Cody well. He was a cunning warrior.
    Cody's unit had just come back from Iraq where they had been employed in their black ops role waging a secret counterinsurgency war over the boarder into Syria. Syria was crawling with foreign fighters and force recon were going in to engage them before they crossed into Iraq. Cody's platoon saw plenty of action and he distinguished himself earning the ominous nick name "Sling Blade" for killing an insurgent in a knife fight. Cody loved to push the limits of danger. Pitting himself against the odds in situations where he came out on top. It was in these moments Cody felt fully alive and in some strange way pure. Like he was being cleansed of ordinary humanness and being lifted to a higher plane of reality where kill or be killed made legends. Within the Corps rigorous attention to protocol, discipline and detail with constant new challenges Cody functioned well but in the civilian world he aimlessly drifted. Quick to master skills and figure things out he took to new projects with great enthusiasm only to get bored and wander off into something else. Cody needed constant excitement to feel alive and about the only things in the civilian world that held his interest was racing, hunting and p***y. He got up off his bed and logged into to his computer:
"Backpage escorts, Richmond Virginia"
 Cody scanned the ads  of girls promising things like "A great time" and "The ride of your life." He'd been on the site a good twenty minutes when he came across Misty's ad. A petite, heavily inked girl with long black hair and delicate features hardened by a life of abuse. Her ad said "back door friendly" and that was his favorite. His eyes widened as his loins tingled with anticipation. Oh yeah, she was the one.
He sent her a text:
"Hi Misty. My names Cody. I'm looking at your BP ad and I'd like to meet you."
Misty text right back.
"Sure honey. What time is good for you?"
"Three o'clock" He replied
"Great." She sent back. "I'm at the Seabreeze hotel off Alexandria drive, room 108. See you then."
The Seabreeze hotel was a notorious dive known for prostitutes and drug raids. Cody had been there with other girls before so it was business as usual. He hopped in the shower and got ready for his date.

     Cody pulled into the Seabreeze hotel a few minutes before three o'clock. He did a quick scan of the parking lot looking for hookers, drug dealers, and police. It was a quiet afternoon so Cody parked in front of room number 108. He got out of his truck and knocked on the door. The door opened a crack and a girl peered out at Cody.
"Cody?" she asked.
"Yes mam. I'm Cody." He replied.
The door opened and Cody went inside.
Misty was hot but looked rode hard and hung up wet. She was wearing black shorts with a light blue top showing plenty of midriff. She noticed Cody's USMC globe and anchor tattoo peaking out from under his shirt sleeve. Along with his tucked in olive drab tee shirt, laced boots, perfectly fitted jeans, perfect posture, crew cut and intense vibe Cody was a intimidating young man.
"You some kinda Army guy or something?" Misty asked.
Cody gave her a broad smile and proudly said:
"Yes mam. United States Marine Corps Force Recon."
Misty didn't know what force recon was but it sounded hardcore. From other men she had met with Cody's type of formal politeness it was reassuring, even dorky but from Cody it was oddly frightening. There was something in his eyes that was sharp and penetrating. He didn't look at her so much as look into her. Like he was sizing her up for something when in fact that's exactly what he was doing. Cody sized up everyone, looking for weaknesses he could exploit to gain an advantage. Cody licked his lips and started stroking Misty's hips and thighs. He slid his hands down over her hips around to her a*s, pulled her closer to him and started kissing and biting her neck. Misty could feel his heated breath on her. The feel of his teeth against her skin put a shiver into her and she could feel his hard c**k rubbing against her pelvis. Fear began overtaking her like weeds in an unkempt garden as she tried to avert his penetrating gaze and play along. She playfully pushed him away:
"You really want some of this don't you baby?" She teased.
"Now you relax and get comfortable. I'm gonna go get ready. I'll be out in a minute." she said as she disappeared into the bathroom.
Cody sat down on the edge of the bed. He sensed something was wrong but he wasn't sure what. He was about to leave when the bathroom door flew open with a crash and a thug brandishing a Beretta 9mm pistol burst into the room pointing the weapon at Cody's head and said:
"Gimmi yo muney an jew-ery or I pop yo a*s!"
Cody slowly turned around to face the thug. He was a dark skinned youth in big, baggie jeans down past his a*s with a sloppy tee shirt and a blue bandana wrapped around his head. He  His eyes looked wild and unfocused. Cody sensed the thug's fear and felt the eerie calm he always felt in battle. Like his life suddenly had great purpose. Cody didn't move or say anything. He just glared into the thug's eyes and smirked.
"Yo tink I playin punk?" the thug angrily said.
"Gimmi yo f****n muney or I pop yo cracka a*s."
He took a few steps towards Cody in an effort to intimidate him but still Cody didn't flinch. This was making the thug very nervous. He'd never pulled the trigger before and wasn't expecting to but this guy wasn't scared like the others had been and Misty said she had a bad feeling about him. The two stood there for a few moments sizing each other up when Cody noticed the thug's weapon trembling in his hand as his eyes narrowing. He was about to pull the trigger. Cody threw his arm up knocking the weapon clear of his head and delivered a hard, inside sweep kick to the thug's knee. The thug went down screaming and dropped his weapon. Cody scooped the weapon up off the floor, placed the barrel to the thug's head and squeezed a round off. The bullet ripped through the thugs skull spraying blood and brain across the stained beige carpet. Misty was standing just inside the open bathroom door. She tried to scream but was to shocked by disbelief to do anything. Cody aimed the pistol at her head and squeezed off another round. Her neck snapped back like a broken twig when the bullet hit her face throwing her backwards against the bathroom mirror. The back of her head smashed a pattern of bloody shards in the mirror then her body hit the floor with a heavy thud. Blood was pouring from the exit wound in the back of her head. Cody scanned the room with the 9mm and tucked the weapon in his Jeans. Blood was splattered all over him.
"What in the f**k just happened!?" He thought.
 All he wanted was some sex and now there were two dead bodies laying in a sea of carnage at his feet. It took a few moments for what he had just done to sink in. He felt panic rising up from his stomach as his pulse pounded in his head.
He was in some serious deep s**t and he needed to do something quick. He found Misty's cell phone and took it along with the murder weapon. He exited the hotel room, got in his truck and drove away. No on was outside. Gun shots were heard everyday around the Seabreeze hotel so no one paid much attention to the sound of two people being murdered.
     He drove straight home. His mother had left for work so he was alone. He bagged his blood soaked cloths along with Misty's phone and the murder weapon. He packed his duffel bag, grabbed his hunting rifle, shot gun and pistol. He called his mother and told her he was going up to Pennsylvania to hunt deer. He jumped in his truck and headed for Chesapeake bay. Once he got there he put stones in his bag of evidence and threw it into the bay. Then he got on I-77 and headed west. He would be in Mexico in 48 hours. He knew it was only a matter of time before law enforcement placed him in that s****y hotel room at the time of the murders. He imagined what his mother's reaction would be when an onslaught of police descended on her home to tear it apart looking for evidence they were sure to find. There wasn't anything he could do to save her from her fate and that sickened him. What was worse was he was going AWOL. To Cody AWOL was for disloyal cowards and anyone who did it deserved a firing squad. He imagined what his commanding officer's reaction would be to his crime and what the men in his platoon would think. It was all to much to comprehend. Cody woke up that morning a hero and now he was a fugitive.
He lit a cigarette and headed into the darkness of the highway. For the first time in his life he was terrified and felt alone. "This is what I get for defending myself" He thought.

Author's Note

My philosophy for stories on the WC is short, get to the climax in as few words as possible and fuck your protagonist up. Feel free to praise and criticize to your hearts content. I might not agree with some folks suggestions but hey, what the fuck do I know and you're probably not much better so lets kick some ideas around and one of us might actually write a decent story.

Reviews

[Claire Barsett]

I'm just blown away. I thought for a minute we were talking about you, and when it got to the thug part, I figured the character would come out okay but for him to kill both of them, I knew we weren't talking about you. Never less I enjoyed reading this, it sounded good. For a person who role plays, this was nicely done. Capturing the emotions of everyone around, once again, I'm blown away. Thank you.

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you Claire.

[KAOlmsted]

Okay...you ready to do this? HOORAH! Let's do this!

"..., and ugly curtains that always made daylight seem uninvited." I absolutely love this line, Mark. You've really nailed the over all feeling of the place, and the lines that follow this one, about the shrine, and the baby boy...f*****g aces. You'll notice, though, I've placed a comma before "and" because, well, it needed one ;-)

"Cody took a long, deep sigh." Not loving the fact he "took" a long, deep sigh. Maybe show me something in a "heaved" or even "let out"? Thanks.

"Handsome, athletic and smart..." Again, there needs to be a comma before that and. Some people might tell you there doesn't need to be, but there f*****g does *laugh* Also, in this case, there needs to be one after "smart". Don't argue with me. Just do it xD

"Like he was being cleansed of ordinary humanness and being lifted to a higher plane of reality where kill or be killed made legends." While I really dig the sentiment of this sentence, I'm not digging the "being"...it's passive. Maybe try writing it without the "being"s..."Like he was cleansed...and lifted to a higher plane..." I try to strike every single "being" from my writing. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's damn near impossible, but if you can get away with striking it, by all means, strike the f****r.

"Cody needed constant excitement to feel alive and about the only things in the civilian world that held his interest was racing, hunting and p***y." A couple of things here. First, you need a b*****d comma before the "and p***y." Second, I feel like you're just telling me stuff about Cody. I'm not sure how you might go about getting into "showing" this instead of "telling" it because this is a short narrative, I'm just saying, for me, it felt a lot like some guy standing over my shoulder and telling me what the guy on the bed likes. I hope that made sense. AND..."about the only things" is...meh...kind of conversationy (yeah, I totally make up words to suit *laugh*) Maybe lose the "about"?

"A petite, heavily inked girl with long black hair and delicate features hardened by a life of abuse." Okay. How does Cody know this about the girl? He can assume, but he can't possibly know. Don't be so matter of fact about it here. Have him assume. Great line, by the way. "hardened by a life of abuse." Killer s**t right there.

"Misty text right back." Texted. And lose the "right". Maybe try "The return text was immediate" or "He got an immediate reply"...something like that.

"He did a quick scan of the parking lot looking for hookers, drug dealers, and police." Why did he do that? I don't mind that he did it, that's not my b***h, I just want to know why he did it. I get why he's scanning for cops, that's a no-brainer, but why did he scan for hookers and drug dealers to boot? Is he anticipating Misty won't satisfy him? Is he looking to score some dope? Is he worried about his truck? Just give me some small indication why he's doing what he's doing, otherwise, I really don't care that he's scanning the parking lot. See what I mean?

"Misty was hot but looked rode hard and hung up wet." HA! xD I'm trying to picture how she can be both. I know, I know, just kimmer being silly ;-) This might flow off the tongue easier if you added a "she" in there: "Misty was hot, but she looked like she'd been rode hard and put away wet." Or something like that ;-) Great s**t, Baby...made me laugh out loud.

"Cody was a intimidating young man." He was AN intimidating young man...and again, I feel like I'm being told stuff. I think in order for this to work, you need to introduce some of Misty's inner thoughts first. Maybe get into her head before you start throwing around her thoughts, because as it stands I'm wondering how Cody is privvy to Misty's thoughts. In order for the third person omniscient voice to be successful, you have to introduce your characters individually and let them have their own thoughts.

"Like he was sizing her up for something when in fact that's exactly what he was doing." Meh. Not in love with this sentence. You don't have to tell me this. Because you essentially show me in the next line.

"Fear began overtaking her like weeds in an unkempt garden..." Fantastic line, great imagery, but give me some indication through Misty's thoughts and actions why this sudden onset of fear? Okay, I get she gets a bad feeling about the dude, but how does that manifest itself into full-blown fear? Misty is hard. She's a w***e, for f**k's sake. She shouldn't be quivering in fear when a guy looks at her, even if it IS the hundred yard stare. She's a seasoned pro. If anything, I would believe she's wary of the guy, maybe she thinks he's not going to be as easy a mark as she thinks, but flat out fear? I'm having a hard time buying it. But it is a really good line. If I steal it, you should be flattered instead of calling your lawyer xD

"...I'll be out in a minute." she said as she disappeared..." There needs to be a comma after "said" and lose the "as" and replace it with "and". Reason being, mostly because I don't like it *laugh* Just kidding. Reason being, the word "as" implies she's doing two things at once. She said, AS she disappeared...if she is saying and disappearing at the same time, it's a little busy. have her say AND THEN disappear.

"...said: (don't use colons to introduce dialogue. Ever.)
"Gimmi yo muney an jew-ery or I pop yo a*s!" " I love the dialect here. very effective. But when introducing dialogue, always use the standard "He said, "Gimmi yo muney..." "

"He His eyes..." Silly typo. I almost didn't even point it out.

"This was making the thug very nervous." Okay. Again, just to reiterate, take me into the thug's head before you start throwing his thoughts at me, because Cody may be able to intuit the thug is nervous, but he cannot possibly know it. Same with the following sentence. Cody doesn't know the thug never pulled the trigger before. Get me into the thug's head.

"...trembling in his hand as his eyes narrowing." Okay. Here you can use "as" because he is doing two things at once. His hand is trembling and his eyes are narrowing. Good stuff. But you need a "were" in there before "narrowing".

"...and tucked the weapon in his Jeans. (Why the f**k is jeans capitalized? xD They must be one hell of a pair of jeans *laugh*)
Blood was splattered all over him. (How? How did blood get splattered all over him? He is using a gun, right? The thug's brains went that-a-way, away from Cody --I am assuming because you did not indicate otherwise-- and Misty's brains are splattered all over the bathroom mirror...I'm just curious how he got so much blood on him, dude.)
"What in the f**k just happened!?" He thought." general rule of thumb when it comes to thoughts in prose: Italicize the thought, and there is really no need to use the tag "He thought"

"He was in some serious deep s**t and he needed to do something quick." No s**t, Sherlock *laugh* Just saying, you don't need to tell me this because I sort of already figured that s**t out on my own ;-)

"Gun shots were heard everyday around the Seabreeze hotel so no one paid much attention to the sound of two people being murdered." Meh. Not in love with this sentence. I think if you're going to give me this information, give it to me up front so I can come to the conclusion myself, like when Cody pulls up to the motel, maybe have him hear a muffled gun shot, or have him think about the last time he was there and he heard gun shots, and how it was no big deal because it's pretty much business as usual at the Seabreeze...know what I mean? That's showing me, as opposed to telling me after the fact.

"Then he got on I-77 and headed west." Does I-77 run west? I always thought the odd number interstates run north and south and the even number interstates run east and west. Don't argue with me. I'm right. Also, it's Interstate 64 out of Chesapeake Bay. Again. Don't argue xD

"... looking for evidence they were sure to find." What?? I thought he just threw the evidence into Chesapeake Bay...???

Anyway. I like the story, Mark, it held my attention. Your character development in the beginning was really good, but I felt like you cheated me out of knowing Misty and the thug, even though I was able to hear some of their thoughts. A little (key word LITTLE) background on how they do what they do, i.e. rob johns, and not get caught or lose business through word of mouth would have been helpful, but otherwise, a pretty believable plot. All in all, great work. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. Oh, and p.s. watch your "to" for "too" use.

xoxo

[Baby Ricochet]

WOW! This is some critique. Just what I needed too. Thank you so much Kimmer. You're a doll

[KAOlmsted]

Any time, Mark...it's my pleasure. I'm just happy I was able to help.

[Nia Hope]

Ooh that was really good. I like how you wrote the thug's words the way he would probably spell them. Awesome job! Sorry it took e a while to get to though, wish I would have read it sooner.

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you Ankara

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
"The feel of his teeth against her skin put a shiver into her and she could feel his hard c**k rubbing against her pelvis."
"The bullet ripped through the thugs skull spraying blood and brain across the stained beige carpet."

Uhmm ... 18+ Rico ? It's not rated here.

It is said that 1 in 8 soldiers returning from the military suffer from PTSD. It's a rude and rough life being a soldier and killing people. I already have PTSD from past bullying at school. Clearly I don't need anymore stress, though I do feel most sympathetic for those in the military who - just cannot hack it ...

[Baby Ricochet]

The protagonist doesn't have ptsd. He responded to a threat in the way he was trained. He went to far killing the girl.

[dw817]

I wasn't going to say anything, but yep - it's a classic Zimmerman ! Shooting an unarmed person.
read moreI wasn't going to say anything, but yep - it's a classic Zimmerman ! Shooting an unarmed person.

[Baby Ricochet]

Exactly.....

[Pete Langley]

One or two typos, but nothing major. This is a great tale, mate....it held me all the way through, an had the ring of reality to it....a sad truth that men trained in violence can only ultimately react to threat violently....I think this piece is worth extending both ways...retrospectively and expanding the plot forward. What do you think? P.

[Baby Ricochet]

The protagonist responded to a threat the way the corps trained him. He crossed the line when he killed the girl. She was a " non combatant " even if she did set him up. The ending of this story needs an edit and the premise could be fleshed out into a book. Thank you for your input Pete. I appreciate it

[Tai Ryens]

The ending was honestly quite a bore . . . Just like reality. I liked the sense of realism though, though I'm a stickler for character and personality . . .

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you Tai. I need to do some editing on this one

[Keith LaFountaine]

This is a great character piece. I love it all. I agree with everyone that the ending is a little anti-climactic, but the rest of the story is very, very strong. Excellent work!

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you for reading room 108. I appreciate it

[Marie]

THis is very,, very good, and you are one hell of a writer, Baby R. I like a fast paced story. If Cody had raped Misty before he killed her (which would have made sense), the sex might have calmed him down, and he could have pled self-defense to killing his attacker.

I feel the endingparagraph is something of an anti-climax. Perhaps something more could be added to give it a little more punch.

[Baby Ricochet]

Everyone thinks the ending falls short so I gotta do some editing. That's why I value honest review.. Thank you for your input Marie. I appreciate it

[Mark]

I got involved with it really quick, it's a great write, at least by my rule of thumb which is if my mind starts to wander at any point in the story, I don't really care for it. I never wandered once.

The only critique I really have is that it is either too long, or too short. I'd end it at the shootings, or continue on and make it a novella. Of course, no one is gonna read a novella.. well, not true. I'd read it!

THere's one typo ... " He His eyes looked wild and unfocused. "

[Baby Ricochet]

The reviews are unanimous about the ending falling flat so I'm gonna have to fix that. I judge writing thesame way with the drifting off. If iI'm reading something and find myself looking for squirrels in my yard, the writing isn't working for me.

[Rita L. Sev]

A good short story, though I agree that the ending is a bit lacking. You developed Cody's character well, and moved the story along, right to the action. This would work well as a first chapter or section of a longer piece - I care enough about the character to want to know what happens from here...

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you rita.