the day I went numb

Not a day of my life goes by
When I don't remember him
That big toothed smile
when he won a hand
Pulling the pot in saying
"Come to daddy baby"
I remember the cigarette
dangling from his mouth
Like it was glued
to his lower lip
The stupid s**t he'd say
His blue collar sense of humor
how he slept on his right side
snoring and wheezing
How upset he got
Over tuition for his kids
In private schools
How worried he'd get
about his wife and his in laws
How sharp eyed he was on patrol
He could spot the tiniest details
A kid with a remote control
An old woman with a loaf of bread
a shifty eyed young man
A dead dog in an unnatural  position
Wires in the wrong place
People hiding talking on cell phones
dirt that had been moved around
He was cunning like that
I remember the day we
Loaded him on the medevac
side of his face ripped open
How much he bled
How horrible his face looked
how pale and cold he was
how distant his eyes looked
how I felt when I heard he died
I was heart broken like I'd never known
I was angry like I'd never felt
I was terrified like I'd never been
and I was guilty
I was there with him
I could have done something
If I'd been facing the right way
If I'd not been so preoccupied
with not getting hit
If I'd been more daring
I could have been the one
who died on the medevac
and went home in the flag draped coffin
with the hero's funeral on the local news
instead of him
We had a eulogy for him and others
we had lost in those horrible months
the sergeant major, the chaplain
the lieutenant the CO and
even the division commander
all made speeches
I didn't hear a goddamn thing
That was the day my soul went numb
That was the day I stopped feeling anything
I went home with that day lodged in my brain
My wife divorced me within the year
I'm still not really back from that day
I don't know if I ever will make it back

Reviews

[Michael G.]

It's about you... it's about him... it's about you... it's about him... it's about you.

First, it's good you have those memories of him laughing, worrying, doing all the things we all do. You introduced him to me, and I liked him immediately. What a guy. What a brother.

Then you were turned the wrong way. BR, nothing you could have done. Nothing.

You went numb. That is very understandable. Especially hearing the speeches and the words when you have the memories that see, not just hear words that can't possibly know what you see, and saw.

All this brings it all back to you... right now.

Will you make it back? Probably not... completely. Writing like this has a way of helping.

You can continue to honor his memory the way you did for us. I would have been proud to have known him.

I know I'm proud to know you.

[Muse]

You have a gift..to touch the reader's heart. I think your words weigh heavy on many souls...because we can all relate....somewhere..somehow...we have all felt that pain...you write about the journey of life...with all the good, bad, ugly, and beauty that the world has to offer and bless upon us.

[Marie]

I don't know how you do this Baby Ricochet. I can't even think about what happened to me, let alone write about it. But you take these horrible war experiences and turn them into poetry. I admire you.

[RachelReaper]

... I'm speechless right now. Maybe because you were able to hide it with the humor and the jokes and things of the like but deep down there was something this traumatic that was bothering you... this was so soulful, heartbreaking... I honestly don't know what to say.

[Annabelle Lee]

Ricochet, I'm not gonna pretend to feel your pain, because I barely know. I hurt for you, man. And I hurt for his family. I'm so, so sorry. Thanks for letting it out.

[LA Lorena]

You may not ever make it back whole, but in writing about it, sharing your experiences, you begin to piece back the fragments of you. No, you may never be entirely whole again, but even blankets with ragged edges can provide warmth and comfort.

A brave write baby. I salute you.

[.]

Very heartfelt and well written. I give you a lit of respect for sharing this with us.

[KAOlmsted]

Probably not, not completely. This is something that is embedded deep within you. Writing is an amazing catharsis; it is, in some cases, the only outlet that allows the healing process to begin. We are all, basically, just walking scar tissue, Baby. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[KeeD]

Was really well written, you'll find your way back somehow, eventually he'll help you move on. Life can be as terrifying as war sometimes, but it's the ability to move on with it that makes life easier, where as war you don't have a chance to move on. That's why I have so much respect for the soldiers serving their nations they have to deal with life and deal with death to. For us meeting death comes down to faith, for a soldier it's a daily job. "salute" Pleasure to have you amongst us Baby Ricochet