the day I went numb

Not a day of my life goes by
When I don't remember him
That big toothed smile
when he won a hand
Pulling the pot in saying
"Come to daddy baby"
I remember the cigarette
dangling from his mouth
Like it was glued
to his lower lip
The stupid s**t he'd say
His blue collar sense of humor
how he slept on his right side
snoring and wheezing
How upset he got
Over tuition for his kids
In private schools
How worried he'd get
about his wife and his in laws
How sharp eyed he was on patrol
He could spot the tiniest details
A kid with a remote control
An old woman with a loaf of bread
a shifty eyed young man
A dead dog in an unnatural  position
Wires in the wrong place
People hiding talking on cell phones
dirt that had been moved around
He was cunning like that
I remember the day we
Loaded him on the medevac
side of his face ripped open
How much he bled
How horrible his face looked
how pale and cold he was
how distant his eyes looked
how I felt when I heard he died
I was heart broken like I'd never known
I was angry like I'd never felt
I was terrified like I'd never been
and I was guilty
I was there with him
I could have done something
If I'd been facing the right way
If I'd not been so preoccupied
with not getting hit
If I'd been more daring
I could have been the one
who died on the medevac
and went home in the flag draped coffin
with the hero's funeral on the local news
instead of him
We had a eulogy for him and others
we had lost in those horrible months
the sergeant major, the chaplain
the lieutenant the CO and
even the division commander
all made speeches
I didn't hear a goddamn thing
That was the day my soul went numb
That was the day I stopped feeling anything
I went home with that day lodged in my brain
My wife divorced me within the year
I'm still not really back from that day
I don't know if I ever will make it back

Reviews

[Michael G.]

It's about you... it's about him... it's about you... it's about him... it's about you.

First, it's good you have those memories of him laughing, worrying, doing all the things we all do. You introduced him to me, and I liked him immediately. What a guy. What a brother.

Then you were turned the wrong way. BR, nothing you could have done. Nothing.

You went numb. That is very understandable. Especially hearing the speeches and the words when you have the memories that see, not just hear words that can't possibly know what you see, and saw.

All this brings it all back to you... right now.

Will you make it back? Probably not... completely. Writing like this has a way of helping.

You can continue to honor his memory the way you did for us. I would have been proud to have known him.

I know I'm proud to know you.

[Xx_Mizfit_xX]

yet again your work renders me speechless, taking the reader back and forth, putting them in your shoes. You truly know pain and darkness in a whole different way then i.

[Debbie]

I didn't hear a goddamn thing....accurate in pain

[Ama May Cooper]

A very deep and honest piece you have spoken from the heart, and i admire your bravery for doing so. It is a beautiful tihng to remember people in all there quirks and habits and numbness is expected , you llost someone you cared about in a very traumatic situation.
This poem touched me, so simple but the honest it gets me everytime. I wish you all the best

[Holly Mason]

these words have presence beyond thank you much for sharing

[Salar Majak]

the painful flash backs that you get after a major incedant, the tearful memories that flow to your mind making you want to stop living! oh god i know what you mean! but calm down a bit, they say time heals all wounds, or maybe you just reach a limit when you can let go, great poem, sad feelings, i'm sorry you had to go through it all.

[lee von cleef]

Your writing is good for my soul,
Guilt is a evil beast,a rough boy
Wi fi ambush trap quiet
shadow sleeper
late night widow creeper
Ya guilt is a evil S O B
Good luck with finding a box to hold it
I am sure of few things
I can't seem to forget where I put it

[Tai Ryens]

There is a certain strength required to be able to translate memories of horror, sorrow, longing, humor, and disdain into mere words of wisdom; and I say you've surpassed this said strength. You honor his memory, and if there even is an afterlife; he'd be looking down at you with a pride only a brother could have.
You grew numb; as anyone sane would; and what matters most is that you continue to live on and honor his memory. I haven't a clue whatever you may have gone through; but I do have a faint idea of how tremendously it has weighed on your conscious.
Anyone and everyone privileged enough to know you should be proud.

[lee von cleef]

smart

[Patricia B. Hepler]

This is a testimony for your soul......this day's horrific memories may never leave you but you have survived that day and the many days and events that followed. You are still healing (in this work) and will continue to do so~…
I have read much of what you've written but this one stands out. Excellent.
~pat

[astronaut]

Love this love this love this.

[WingsToFly]

Touching write. God bless you.