What I Wish

Sometimes
When I look up at the beaten stars
Who have been here much longer than I
Or gaze upon swirling winds
That have met more people
I wish with all my heart
That tomorrow won't be like today was
Maybe I'll find myself inside the window while I must
And longingly stay in the world that I control
Fly away in the arms of someone who cares
And wake up to find my world in harmony
Once again
For one more day
What I wish
Will come true

Author's Note

XXX 1/7/13

This poem is for one day of sanctuary that I think everyone in the world needs right about now.

-Dell

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I found that to be a very serene and relaxing poem, although I must say the last line disappointed me a little because its so cliche. There are so many ways to write the same thing, so maybe you could change that little piece of it? Other than that, though, I think you created quite the lovely poem!

[Phillitup]

Thanks! I agree that it is a rather common phrase and I'll look into changing it. I think the words express what I want them to say though. I appreciate your opinion and feedback more than you know! THANKS!!! :)

[Riley Bray]

You betcha!

[Phillitup]

:)

[Lonesome Traveler]

This transports me to a far off place, a sentimental nostalgic memory, a safe haven. And as you say, a sanctuary. The lack of punctuation and the flow it gives really reminds me of some of Ryan Adams' poetry, and thats a very good thing :) Although I think maybe a comma or semi colon here or there doesn't go amiss, if you're trying to steer the reader towards a specific impact.
But anyhow the inferences and connotations that can be had from this are still deep and varying, and I really liked it. Any you're only 13! You have some talent my friend, keep it up :)

[Phillitup]

thanks1 I look back and see about adding one or two...I appreciate it!

[Rebecca James age 10]

Awesome. :0

[Phillitup]

thanks

[Chavon]

A perfect world is one we can control ourselves, a very good poem. I love it.

[Phillitup]

thanks

[AK]

Wow! This poem, I short, is ah-mazing. Really, Dell, you have written it so eloquently I must say I LOVE it. So well scripted with a flow that rivals falling waters. It not only expresses your earnest yearning for a sanctuary but also lightly hints at your modesty (when you talk about stars being there for longer than you and winds knowing more people than you, I find that it reflects upon how you are ready to look up to people and are not condescending).


I am not sure if you are one for taking constructive criticism, but here's a tester anyways :P


'When I look up at the beaten stars/Who have been here much longer then I'

Was it intentional to refer to the stars as 'who'? And I think it is 'than' I not then I. I suppose that was a typo.


Though of course, many writers have varied styles of writing, do note that the statement below is mere opinion--not criticism--really. I think that this write would have been wonderful if it had some punctuation marks in it. I personall find punctuation marks very fascinating. They are like the reins that run around the readers' neck whose controlling end lies woth the author. Some authors choose to let the cattle (the readers :P) free and roam the soil of their write, while some guide their cattle in the pace they want and take them to places they want them to see. I personally like a guided tour, lol.


I also found that the tense of the piece was inconsistent.
Nevertheless, it was a WONDERFUL write! I can't wait to read more from you :)


"Once again
For one more day
What I wish
Will come true"


(Do tell me of there's anything else of yours that you would want me to review. I am sorry if I got too critical, I can hold it back next time if you'd like.)


Keep writing!
~AK

[Phillitup]

I always appreciate constructive criticism (even though part of me does NOT want to swallow it) because I can not for the life of me catch these mistakes on my own, most writers can't. You are correct, I changed it to than because it is a comparison, my apologies. Yes, I meant to refer to the stars as who, I hope that isn't to odd. Yeah, I can see the shift in tense but (tell me if I am wrong) I think it helps the flow of this particular one. Thanks SO much because I appreciate attentive and extensive reviews. THANKS!

-Dell

[AK]

My pleasure :)
I think referring to starts as who is fine, lol :P we all may choose to personify certain aspects of our poem. The shift in tense..let's say I wasn't too observant as to whether is was conducive or not to the flow.. But again, you are the writer and this is your poem, so your choice :)
Good day to you!

[AK]

*stars not starts

[Phillitup]

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate your words.

[AK]

:)

[Savior of Time]

I did need this. Thank you. I enjoyed it.

[Phillitup]

thanks

[MandaBear]

I liked this. I really liked how you talked about the stars that was a really neat idea
=)

[Phillitup]

thanks!

[jdr / Jennifer]

beautiful piece of poetry- nice flow to it. Vivid detail - ‘When I look up at the beaten stars, Who have been there much longer then I’. I could see the stars- ‘I wish tomorrow won’t be like today was’ - I think every one of us have felt this way at some point of our lives. Longingly, we stay with what we can control & dream about being swept off of our feet- fleeting- even if only for a moment. To wake up to a peaceful time. I think we’re all wishing for the same- thank you for sharing this elegant piece of poetry. You have a true god given talent for both writing & your excellent reviews. Thank you again.

[Phillitup]

thank you very much! I deeply appreciate your kind words!

[MOON]

Lovely write , full of hope wonder and maturity.

[Phillitup]

thanks!

[Hadeel ( Charming Fairy..]

I really wish that all your sweet dreams some true :)

[Phillitup]

thanks...:)

[Hadeel ( Charming Fairy )]

Welcome :)