Cliff-Jumping

I swim through murky water,
and grab hold of a yellow rope.
I ascend the rock, I'm terrified.
I stand at the top,
letting people pass by.
Cousin's nagging "Jump already, geez!"
I turn towards my brother
"Can we jump together?"
He nods and moves higher up.
"Ready, set, here we go!"
I begin to run forward.
Where the rock slants away, I push off.
Slowly straightening, falling fast.
I pick up speed as I near the water.
I barely have time to remember.
Holding my breath, closing my eyes.
I flinch as the cold water forms around me.
I swim to the surface, gasping for air.
Cousins whooping, my sister is smiling.
I smile with them as I climb back up.

Author's Note

This is based on a true story about something I did this summer. The perspective may be true, you decide. I did try it twice though. It goes really fast. Your falling faster then you can imagine. The water was freezing, it surprised me. This was fun though. The picture isn't one of me. This poem was one of mine for school this year. I got 100%. I would love reviews and criticism (constructive not destructive). I would really appreciate that grammatically.
Best regards,
Dell

Reviews

[Icelanna]

I like the fact it all happens so quickly, your stop and go structure emphasizes the energy rush of adrenalin. I love the fact it's personal and that there is dialogue in it which can be uncommon for a poem. I honesty don't like the third line, I would add "I'm terrified." And put a full stop before it when you "ascend the rock." It's very factual and the simplicity of it shows you haven't got time to waste thinking about other things. Also in the 13th line I wouldn't put the word "down". When you fall you go downwards anyway so it's an unnecessary addition. Plus the theme of the poem has a lexis of gravity anyway so it's tied in. Line 16 I would say "I hold..." OR "Holding..." and "I close..." OR "Closing" either to make it personal or a definite action, the rest of the active words always have I before them throughout it ie "I climb back up."
Hope this helps.
Love to you x

[Phillitup]

Thanks for the detailed review. I changed a few of the things, I hope that it makes the poem better. Thanks again for the review!
Best regards,
Dell

[Icelanna]

Looks much better. No problem, anytime x

[Bronwen Cox Hollinger]

It's nice to know that someone else my age shares my passion! Best wishes!

[Aly Jones]

What happened to the brother?

Sorry, that's probably totally off topic, but I'm just so gosh darn curious.

It's a really good poem, by the way. :)

[Phillitup]

He jumped from the taller rock. We reached the water at the same time because he is bigger so the height of the rock didn't really matter. It's not off topic. I wouldn't have jumped if my brother hadn't joined me. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Best regards.
Dell

[Aly Jones]

Okay. Just wanted to make sure that he had jumped, and if he had, he hadn't drowned or something. 0.0

[Phillitup]

:)

[Falling Leaf.]

Sounds like a lot of fun. You really gave me a shot of adrenaline. Nicely done

[Phillitup]

I'm glad you enjoyed this. Cliff-jumping (although it doesn't sound like the best thing due to its name) is quite fun. When I go back to Canada to visit my cousins this summer, I want to do it again...thanks for reading and reviewing!
Best regards,
Dell

[Falling Leaf.]

No problem. Wish I had some cliffs round here, but my state is landlocked.

[Phillitup]

:) Mine isn't but there are no cliffs. I live in Florida, plenty of water, not where I am but still.

[Falling Leaf.]

Oh, Florida. I am going there next Friday.

[Phillitup]

Cool!

It's been kind of chilly but not at all compared to other places. Of course, that's not the truth. It has been colder then in New York lately, sadly, it's no lie. That can change soon though. There's definitely a chance that it won't be true by the time you get here.

[Falling Leaf.]

As long as there's no snow on the ground. I'm not sure where I am going in Florida, all I know is I'm dancing at the Outback Bowl.

[Phillitup]

Cool...

[Falling Leaf.]

Yup. They said we can go to the beach, I hope it's not too cold!