Chapter Two: Jesse

Ya know how I said that I would figure out what's wrong with her? Well I was just over at her farm, and what I saw and heard didn't give me a single clue as to what the chic's issue is. It did make it really clear that she does have one. First, I followed her home. I hid in the bushes, watching her talk to her mom. Her mom looked really stressed out. Right near the end of their conversation her mom took her notebook. The one with all the weird drawings and words on it. Della, I heard her name cause her mom mentioned it, looked really nervous when her mom suggested that she come outside. I stayed behind to watch her mom for a minute. There's no way her mom was going to keep her promise of not looking in that notebook. She said these two words, discrimen adventicius, that was apparently in the notebook. Then I followed Della some more. She ended up crying, screaming, and falling onto the ground. I don't know why but it must not have been good. Or she's just crazy. Ya know, thinking about it, it could be both. I have to look up those words. They have to hold a clue or two to what's up with her. After all, I've never met anyone like her. And I've met a lot of people. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. Step one, figure out what language it's in. Second, I have to see what it means. And third, I have to check her school schedule. I need to know if it's a language she's studying at school. If it's not, then it's even odder. Whoa! Rock. Stupid rocks in the road. They always make me trip. Of course, I'm not as clumsy as Della. Maybe. Probably. I'm not sure though.

Reviews

[Icelanna]

Firstly I would say "ya'know", i'm sure you mean "chick's" not chic as in a type of describing someone dress sense and I would use "because" not cause, when the character uses her daughters name. Also I would say Thirdly, not and third, you just said secondly I'd keep the same format/layout. :)
You do use very simplistic sentences for all of the different narratives, they all speak in the same style and there is no real distinguish between them all. I would try and personalize them somehow, by one being very eloquent and detail, some being simple and blunt, let it match their personalities, this girl seems very determined and focussed I'd giver her a mix of simplistic and complex sentences, simplistic because she is listing and planning, complex because she is discovering.
I like the sense of doubt in the end and the fact she's becoming a bit obsessed that she has made a mental list of things to do. To check the words, her schedule etc shows that the character is determined but also slipping down the same road as the girl she's trying to figure you.
Love to you x

[Phillitup]

I like your ideas...thanks!

[CreativeStroke]

I agree with the ideas of the other review, really distinguish your characters and their thoughts. It helps with the flow of your story and really helps your characters stand out from one another.