Chapter One: Marissa

Della stands over me as I scan her report card. I feel the need to cringe coming up my spine. It takes all I've got to suppress it. "How is it mom?" she chimes innocently. I look up, meeting eyes with her.

" What happened Della? Something must have. Your grades have fallen since last week. Last year you were an A student. Now your a C one? I'm very disappointed with you." I watch her eyes fall to the floor. She's digging her toe in, again. That's my daughters big bad habit. If she's happy, sad, nervous, excited. It doesn't matter what's going on, she thwacks her toe up and down. I lay my hand out onto the table, she places her notebook over it. The cover is scribbled with words, pictures, all manners of random, kiddish things. Words like "danger" and "dinosaur". I don't enjoy seeing her like this.

"Don't look inside, at least." With pain in her voice, I can tell somethings wrong.

"I won't." I promise. She still wears a uneasy look. "Why don't you go outside? Nana is out there picking some blueberries." She turns on her toe , my gosh, she's graceful. And pretty. She shuffles outside. As soon as she's out of sight, and well with my mom, I dash to flip open the notebook. Upon opening, it falls to the last written in page.

 discrimen adventicius

Author's Note

discrimen adventicius ROUGHLY translates to danger coming in Latin.

Reviews

[Icelanna]

I hope there is more of this, it's too short to be a chapter. I love the Latin bit, shows she's not so dull after all Lol. The only bit I don't like is the "bit to cringe". You won't feel the need, you'll just do it, you'll feel the need to go to the loo because a primary action is followed to satisfy "the need". You can predict cringing, based on the daughters reactions and once you do you just feel it, in whatever way you choose to describe. I don't get the "in-easy" look, to be honest I'm confused, is she supposed to be impassive, just quiet, laid-back? Or do you mean uneasy as in uncomfortable and nervous, if so a simple spelling mistake which I assume it is because the daughter is having a cooking! :L I would develop the nerves and awkwardness of the situation, describe more what the writer is thinking rather than observing, makes good first person narrative, makes it very personal.
Hope this helps.
Love to you x

[Phillitup]

I changed it to uneasy. It was probably confusing because chapter one starts with Della, two pages back from this one. I hope that clears things up...sorry. I love it when you review my work because you always bring up things to make it better. Thanks for taking your time to do this for me!
-Dell

[Icelanna]

Lol it's no problem, thing is to be a writer you have to have criticism and most people I see on here just say whether the like it or not, which is encouraging but not helpful :L

[CreativeStroke]

The Latin at the end is intriguing, especially with its meaning as 'danger'. Your story is starting to pick up a little more now, which is good. Hopefully you keep adding more detail to keep it interesting and to keep readers hooked!

[s y e]

I know the feeling when your grades have dropped -.- Not good at all!
This was really good! Well done!

[Rachel Hanne]

I really like the mom's attitude, and Della is a great example of a innocent child. You are very good with your characters! The reactions can be related to from both perspectives. The mom seems to be a thinker, and I always like those kinds of characters. Bravo!

[Phillitup]

Thank you...I hope you read the beginning...:) sorry that I read requested it wrong!

[Rachel Hanne]

woops! that's okay, I just noticed it too

[Brookypoo]

nice nice

[Phillitup]

:)

[Brookypoo]

i liked it

[Anonymous Girl]

OOH!!! I loved the Latin bit: "discrimen adventicius"
Nice going! Can't wait to read what happens next!!! :)

[Phillitup]

thanks!

[Anonymous Girl]

Its okay ^^