Chapter One: Della

Summer is one of my least favorite times of year. There's no school to yank away my endless wandering mind, in fact, there's no stopping me. That's what I don't like. I find comfort in knowing what my own mind is doing. I tend to think to much. Not like in a smart way. In more of a "I don't know if what I'm thinking is real, but I like it." Let me explain. Say I'm looking out the window. Is that a unicorn? It can't be! Unicorns aren't real? Then how do I see one? I'm playing tricks on you. Who are you? Your mind, darling.

See? I'm starting to worry if there is something wrong with me. I hear mama whispering about me late at night with Nana. Like I can't hear...they say I may have something really wrong with my brain. Maybe I need to go see a doctor. I agree. There must be something wrong with the way I think. But I don't really think it's necessary to go for a "visit" with Doctor Flaska. She's nice and all, don't get me wrong. But she bothers me. She smells like corn mixed with soap all the time. I just don't see why those two scents should mix. It might actually be considered a crime.

Anyhow, now it's summer break here on my Nana's farm. That means that I have extra chores and stuff. Lots of mind wandering time. Who knows where I'll take myself? Last summer, I was thinking so hard about something that I ended up tripping in the "Sparkly Parade". It's a dumb event. I don't know why there is such a nonsense thing happening in a no nonsense town. Just ask our Pastor. Life is apparently no game. Or at least that's what Pastor Ted claims. Then again, Pastor Ted tells us a lot of things. That's because we have church service on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I don't know quite why, but it probably has to do with the fact that Pastor Ted talks non-stop. One time, before they made a Wednesday night service, we were sitting in church all day Sunday. It was terrible. I was getting awfully fidgety. And I had to go to the bathroom. When it ended, I ran.

So, I am not looking forward to things starting tomorrow, like chores and parade practice. This summer all us girls are being forced to participate in a beauty pageant. It's going to be just awful!

Reviews

[CreativeStroke]

"I was getting awfully fidgety. And I had to go to the bathroom. When it ended, I ran." These three sentences should be combined with commas... something like this... "I was getting awfully fidgety, and I had to go to the bathroom so, when it ended, I ran." Makes the ending of that paragraph much smoother and it flows nicer now, in my opinion.
You started off this book well, I thought. Hopefully your storyline becomes more involved and draws your reader in a little more. You are doing a good job up to this point with the story and I will continue reading.

[Persona]

I like the name Della. I think the chapter makes the character dis-likable and the story so far doesn't have a tale to it - it seems aimless, without substance. I like the length and I hope the next chapter is better

[Phillitup]

Sorry to disappoint you...

[Persona]

No don't be, I just wanted to be honest with you because that's the best way that you'll improve. Hopefully you'll take what I say on board, but if not, you can always hope for more opinions!

[Rachel Hanne]

Ermahgerd (in meme reference whoop whoop) I LOVED the first sentence. It caught me off guard. I was like "Wait, didn't like summer?" This sorta reminds me of when I was little. I used to think things like this all the time. You did a very good job using a little girls point of view. Especially the little things she notices, it really is how kids think and see things!

[Phillitup]

Thanks...I wouldn't call her "little" but she has very childish thoughts, it's to show how she thinks and that she's a little different. Thanks...:)

[Icelanna]

I like this, one thing I would do would be when the mother's voice is replying I would put it in italics, it shows it's not the same person speaking even though you tell us she is talking. The character seems young from the narrative, maybe twelve, thirteen, fourteen? If so, great, if not it needs to fit, if it's a 16 yr old it needs to be more eloquent, longer in description, more detail. The older you get the more you take in, unless you're writing from a toddlers view, they absorb everything! I will say that it is too short, too short to even be a short story. It's under 500 words, chapters should be a minimum of 1000-1500.
Hope this helps!
Love to you x

[Phillitup]

I will clear some of this up. I'll look back at when Marissa is speaking, thanks for the suggestion. My character is rather young, my age. I'm 13 so yeah, in the range you were describing. This is 1/3 of the chapter. The rest of the chapter is Jesse and Marissa's POV's. I'm sorry if that's confusing. Thanks!
-Dell

[Phillitup]

I write short chapters, this whole one is ~831 words...

[Icelanna]

One thing I would do is put all of these into one big document, without the names and see if you can remember who is who after a while, if not your characters need to be distinguished. Also I imagine being on the same page would be greatly mind-boggling. One of those books you have to think about as you read, very psychological x :P