Forget Me Not

A story of love and loss.

I’ve known him for four years, and he doesn’t remember me at all. All the days we spent together, all the laughs we shared, completely gone as if they had never happened. Just a few hours ago we were talking about college and how excited we were to get out of this prison we call high school. And now, there isn’t even the slightest trace of me in his memories.

    

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” he whispered. It was the end of July, the middle of summer. Matt and I had decided to drive out to the country and go stargazing. It was already past midnight, and the night never seemed so alive. The moon was high in the dark sky; so full and round as if it had filled itself with so much light, it could burst at any moment. I had lost myself in the crickets’ music and the stars and the moon, and I hadn’t realized he was calling my name. I felt something soft and warm on my cheek, and I remembered where I was. We were lying on the grass in the middle of a big field. There wasn’t a sign of civilization anywhere. I could be anyone. I could be in any time. I felt infinite under those stars, and no one could take that from me. He had kissed my cheek, and as I looked away from the sky that enchanted me so, I had nothing but a blank expression upon my face. “What?” I asked as I looked into his eyes.

“You did it again,” he said softly. And then I see it. That look in his eyes he gets after each time it happens. He’s worried. Worried I won’t speak to him for over a year again. Worried I’ll leave this time and never come back because he knows I can’t stay in one place for too long. Because he knows I’m just running. He knows me better than I know myself. And that’s why he’s my best friend.

I smile at him and sit up and say, “I haven’t the slightest idea as to what you’re talking about, Carson.” I’ve always called Matt by his middle name for as long as I could remember. I felt it suited him better than “Matt”.

“Mhm. Of course you don’t,” he said sitting up and pushed my shoulder causing me to fall to my side. And for a minute, I just took in everything around us. The grass felt soft and warm against my skin. The earth felt as if it were releasing all the warmth it gathered throughout the day. There was a slight wind but it wasn’t strong enough to make me cold. I watched the trees dance every now and then. I wanted the wind to take me, take me some place far, far away. But I was stuck here. And I didn’t mind it too much as long as I was here with him.

“What if you could just start over? What if you could wipe your slate clean and be someone completely different?” I didn’t look at him as I asked that question. I was slightly afraid of what his response might be. But if it were possible, I would start over. And the only thing I would want to remain the same was Matt. He’s the one thing I would never change.

“I wouldn’t ever want that,” he sighed. He kind of surprised me. His life was falling apart, and I thought, for sure, he’d want a fresh start. I did my best to be there for him and he knew that. And that’s why he never gave up. “Cause then I wouldn’t be the person I am, and I wouldn’t know the things I know.” I looked at him as he said that. He was looking down and pulling at the grass that lay before him. I watched as the veins in his forearms became more and more visible. His pale skin almost glowed in the moonlight. My eyes wandered up his arm to where I could see the bottom of his tattoo, the rest hidden under the sleeve of his t-shirt. He’d gotten it a few months earlier to test his parents. But it was just another failed attempt to get their attention. I looked at his face. His brows were furrowed with what looked like worry and confusion. He was taking this conversation much more seriously than I intended him to. I leaned closer to him and poked the center of his cheek in attempt to let the topic go. He looked at me, and, for some reason, his eyes looked so sad. It pained me to see him that way. His beautiful blue-grey eyes were usually bright and full of laughter despite the darkness he hid within himself. But right then, that whole façade faded and I saw him. The pain he’d been dealing with for years. The emptiness he felt within himself and I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into his now seemingly dark eyes. And I so badly wished I could pull him out, the wonderful and amazing Matt I knew him to be. I wished we could go, anywhere and everywhere just not to be where we were. I wrapped my arms around him and held him there for a while. As I let go, I gently said,

“Let’s head home, Carson. You’ve got football practice tomorrow. You should get some rest.” He sighed as he stood and he towered over me then. I felt so small and when I’d stand next to him, I felt no different. He was over six feet tall and I stood at a mere five feet and three inches. He put out his hand to help me up, but I just looked at it for a second. His hands were so big and strong and constantly picking me up whenever I would fall. I smiled as I grabbed his hand and pulled myself up. We walked in the direction of his truck that rested on the dirt road we rode out here. The car ride home was silent except for the hum of the engine. It wasn’t a bad silence. It was a comfortable one, in fact. But still, I felt I needed to break it.

“Why so serious?” I asked with a hint of laughter in my voice. He smiled as he looked at me as he always had whenever I would ask that question. And I let out a deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I loved when he smiled. It made me feel as if everything bad that had ever happened was completely erased and it was just the two of us in that moment and nothing else mattered.

As he pulled up to my house, I quickly noticed the lit porch light. She noticed I was gone and there’d certainly be hell to pay the next day. But I didn’t worry over it. I just needed to make sure he was okay.

“No speeding and no texting,” I warned him. He smirked.

“Yes, ma’am.” He had a bad habit of texting and driving and it drove me absolutely insane. He didn’t think it that big a deal, but I made sure he didn’t text and drive whenever I could. I kissed him on the cheek as I reached for the door handle and then I was out. I closed the door behind me and quickly walked the distance from the car to the front door, knowing he wouldn’t drive off until he saw me inside. I unlocked the door and waved goodbye to him. He waved back. I then stepped into the darkened house and shut the door. As I did so, I heard the truck dive off. I took the stairs up to my room two at a time and threw myself on my bed once I entered. The sheets welcomed me and suddenly I noticed how exhausted was and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Forget Me Not

I woke in a cold sweat, my heart practically beating out of my chest. I wondered why I had heard and seen those words in my mind, but I shook it off as just a dream. I looked at my phone. It was 10 A.M. and the screen revealed I had gotten a text from Matt at around 9. It read: Morning. Sleep alright? But as soon as I was about to reply, I began to receive a call from Trevor. Trevor was Matt’s cousin and good friend, and I wondered why he’d be calling me. I answered.

“Hey, Trevor, what’s up?” He was quiet for a moment before he spoke.

“You haven’t heard,” he said in a low voice.

“What’re you talking about? Heard what?” I was beginning to panic now. What could he be talking about? And it hit me. Matt.

“Matt was in his way to see you this morning and got into a car accident. He was texting. He’s in the hospital…” I couldn’t hear the rest of what he had said. My heart dropped the moment I heard those words. The back of my throat throbbed and I knew I was about to sob, but there wasn’t time for that. I needed to make sure he was okay. I changed quickly and ran down the stairs, grabbing my mother’s keys from off the table. I got in the car and drove off. He’s alright, I thought.

Once I arrived, I ran into the hospital only stopping to ask the woman at the desk where I’d find Matt. The minute she gave me the room number, I was off. I ran down a series of hallways when I saw them. His parents. His mother was a wailing mess in her husband’s arms. The anxiety and panic continuously grew within me. His father looked at me with pained eyes and nodded for me to go in.

As I stepped into the room, it was noticeably warmer and brighter. The shades were drawn and the air smelled as hospitals always smell. And there he was, lying on the bed with flowers at his bedside table. As I got closer, I noticed the cuts that decorated his face. The bruises along his arms. He was hurt, but alright. And I sighed a deep sigh of relief. At this, he slowly opened his eyes and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey Carson.” I had never spoken so softly in my life, but I felt it necessary. As I said that, I reached for his hand, but he quickly pulled it away. His eyes were so lost and confused. They darted around the room and back at me. I calmly asked him what was wrong.

“Who are you?” He asked. His voice was almost unrecognizable. I blinked, confused and hurt. What did he mean? I was his best friend. But I could see. He didn’t know who I was. And I felt tears form in my eyes. I tried so hard to not let it fall. His face was beginning to blur in my eyes and I thought: Well aren’t you lucky?