delirium

this is a one page autobiography by someone who never writes this is not fiction it's my way of coping with my situation Its cringe, pathetic and edgy, i don't recommend it

it starts in childhood, parental neglect and abuse, nothing special
many children are raised in broken homes. nothing unique or worth recognition about this particular boy other than the numerous crippling mental disorders, but everyone knows the common sayings "they want attention", "they are cowards". the boy knows this, he locks away his insecurities, uncertainties and feelings in a cage "suffering in silence" we've all heard it before. he knows what's coming they teach it in school "it doesn't matter" the boy tells himself he is certain that he can overcome any obstacle the urge to prove those who doubt him wrong drives him, fuels his anger, rage, regret, sadness. people tell him he is depressed, of course he denies it... admitting is weakness. he is terrified, antisocial, no relationships, past betrayals, he is in so much pain already he cannot bear the idea of being hurt by someone close so he pushes everyone away, then he discovers stimulation and oh it's so wonderful... endless hours, days, years locked away in a room alone self indulging in anyway possible... masturbation, gaming, self pity anything to dull the pain... he drowns himself in illusion of happiness. He hides his feelings behind humor and lies, puts others down to give himself some sense of self worth through years of ignorance he nurtures his insecurities, uncertainties and feelings into demons, by the time he becomes self aware and realizes what he is doing its too late he desperately struggles to keep the cage closed. "should i kill someone?" he could do it, it wouldn't be hard... no he can't, he reminds himself its his demons and ignores it, but... what if... it's not the demons, what if this is just who he is... what if he is just a monster. the idea haunts him, keeps him awake at night, he is in a constant loop of psychological agony worse each time, a endless vicious cycle... then like a bright light from the darkest corners of the void, a girl? no... it cant be why would anyone be interested in a lifeless husk, yet she seems to care for you. your confused, you don't know what to feel or how to feel, you have been mindless for so long you forgot your own emotions, something... happens... your not sure what but you... like her... love her... but she doesn't love you... she is broken in her own way, you are just sex she does not love anyone but is in many relationships, you are one of many, you hold no place in her heart... yet you still love her, why? your not sure... i suppose ignorance really is bliss, it's a rush the most joy and happiness you have felt in years. you messed up, you broke her trust, she left you, you panic "What now?" you don't know what to do, how to react, you look around you for friends to reach out to people to talk to, but you have nobody, you spiral out of control your terrified, scared, confused, you stand, you sit, you rip your hair, you scream, you cry, your cage shatters the demons are in control now. you breakdown and everything crumbles, you look down and see a empty void your grasping the end of a rope, you hold on clinging to the last bit of sanity you have... you look back... you think "where did it all go wrong?" stupid question right, is it?... it hits you, you don't love her, you never did, you were tossed aside and neglected for so long that when you had the chance to be loved you blindly took it, but you did not feel love you were pathetically codependent, ironic isn't it... you knew this would happen, you did everything to stop it... but it happened anyway, you let go… you fall... here you are now... alone... broken... far beyond repair, hopelessly you hold your mangled heart and cope by writing about it, tell the world your story, maybe someone will care. Care enough to reassure you, tell you “it's going to be ok” but you know it won't be, your so far gone basic human interaction is the most amazing experience you know. You really should end it all, put yourself out of your own misery but your too proud you won't do it, you hold onto your pointless dignity and pride and refuse to help yourself in the only way you can. In the end you really are still...
A monster of your own creation.