Cabbage Patch

sign of changing times, inspired by an unknown friend.

     I am convinced that the zombie movies that are on TV are there for one purpose: they want everybody to get used to the idea that being alike is the new normal!
Everybody moves the same.
Everybody moves at same pace.
Everybody has one goal.
Everybody has one mindset.
No leaders just followers.
No one can be unique.
Nobody thinks for themselves.
    I needed to ask myself, are we all cabbage in a cabbage patch?
         
    I had a regular cell phone until last year and I heard it all!
"Where did you get that fossil?"
"Where do you put the dime in that thing?"
"Bla, Bla, Bla"
However, I resisted change, but all good things come to an end, the fossil died--it drowned in the toilet. Well, I found that I was working with no contract so I started shopping for a new cell provider; it all went good.
New contract.
New phone. { they called it a smartphone }
Could it be?
Was the name true?
Was it, could it be smarter than me?!
At least that is what I was banking on.
The big day was finally here, sitting there next to the mail box was package that was too big for the mail box.
I approached it. This could not be the smart phone they told me it only weighed -.0075 OZ, this box could hold a 42 inch flat screen TV. I should know I bought one of those too, but that's another story.
I stood there debating calling the bomb squad, I started to sweat,  and my 86 year old neighbor who was always peeping at me through a window started to sweat. I had to be like everybody else: brave, so I opened it and inside was a small white box with the logo of a fortune 500 company that helped feed starving 4 year olds by giving them a job from 9 A:M to 9 P:M  seven days a week.
I emptied the contents.
A piece of thin plastic, white on one side black on the other.
An electrical cord.
A manual, that I later discovered did not have the new lingo definitions for such things like = LOL, BFFS, BRB, TTYL, TBH
          Then I realized as I looked at this light weight, slim designed piece of plastic that was white on one side and black on the other.
This is it, my new smart phone, now I will know the answer to the most complex question. The day was here, and this smart phone would surely answer my questions to make me like everybody else (I could now go out in public and wear pants that hung down passed my buttocks and let my colorful underwear show with bright pictures of sponges, starfish, squids a squirrel and a crab) I would be normal.
I turned the phone on. I was horrified the signal strength was 5 bars and not 6. This was crushing. I went to my room and hid under the bed, but I had to face reality my smart phone could be a mutant smartphone. It must be evil, when I went back there it sat, with its 5 bars. I touched it to see if it would elevate and talk in pig Latin. Eureka! The 6th bar came on it was a miracle, it had fixed itself.
After dancing and singing songs of good cheer to the all knowing smart phone, the big moment was finally here. I picked it up and asked the most important questions of all time.
"WHY WAS I DROPPED IN A CABBAGE PATCH?"
"DID ALIENS DROP ME HERE AS A PART OF AN EXPERIMENT?"
The tension was thick. I put the phone down so my DNA couldn't corrupt it. It sat gathering all its wisdom and give me the answer to this pondering, nagging question that had been torturing me for almost 50 years. the sweat poured out of my pores. Even my neighbor who was now in my bushes peeping through the window was anxious. The phone looked like it was formulating an answer. Then it beeped.

((((((((BEEP!))))))))

And it kept beeping I started to panic and ran in circles all over the kitchen. The peeping neighbor was in a panic and stepped all over my tulips!
Was the smart phone mad?
Did I ask the wrong question?
Did it decide to self destruct?
I bit my nails, the peeping neighbor bit his nails,
I had to be a man, I picked it up and on the black side in bold text I read:
===== 1 Missed Call ==== Unknown Number====.
Oh, no! The answer was given to me and all I had to do was answer this anonymous call. I blew it. I cursed myself for being a fool, and my peeping neighbor was upset. He stopped peeping, kicked over my flowerpot, and tried to run away with my newspaper, but fell. I think his new pants that were hanging down past his buttocks went past his knees .
I know now I am not so smart, so I pulled up my pants and bought a pay as you go phone.

       

Reviews

[Dillon Flynn]

Pretty funny! You have a point of view, and your topic is rich for satire. Comparing vast consumer culture to zombies has been done before, but you got into it in a fairly interesting way. And I enjoyed how your main character treated his device like he was some sort of confused time traveler, unsure what demonry and magicks were causing his phone to be so smart.

Your grammar, however, is a big mess. There were times where I thought perhaps you are not a native English speaker, but I am still not sure. A lot of problems with usage ("it all went good"), convoluted sentence structure (" I am convinced that the zombie movies that are on TV are there for one purpose: they want everybody to get used to the idea that being alike is the new normal!"), passive voice ("Even my neighbor who was now in my bushes peeping through the window was anxious"), using singular versions of nouns when the plural is correct ("are we all cabbage in a cabbage patch?"), etc.

So, there's a good story buried underneath some wonky writing. I recommend finding an editor, someone who is willing to help you look over your work and check it for problems. Also, if you want a terrific crash course on writing plain, simple English, pick up a copy of The Elements of Style. It's the size of a pamphlet and will train your brain to write clearly and with precision.

Good luck!