The Sadness Deep Inside

The pain is real, but I don't let anything past my barrier

The colourful arrays of light

Plays majestically on my window,

Showing me something important;

Something that I haven’t dared to do in a while

And something that yearns in me,

 

But the pessimist in me won’t let it happen.

It’s tough to not wish for it.

As I watch the colourful array of lights

Playing on my window,

I let myself smile

And lose myself for a few moments.

 

My mind wanders to the other times,

The times when I was just me but not by myself,

And surrounded by people who I cared about

People I loved whole heartedly, as they did for me.

Those happy, carefree times

When I was just a mere child,

When I could smile then,

And be happy and laugh,

Not really ready for what the world was going to push me into,

Completely unprepared for the pain and sadness

I was going to be pushed into.

The pain that is called life; my life.

 

The last thought jars me from my reverie

And I look up to see the sun coming down,

And with it the lights disappearing from my window,

Slowly, playfully until blackness graces the window

And darkness graces my room.

 

Sighing, I get up from my place

And turn on the light

Trying to find the spark;

The same spark that let me dare wish for something

That wasn’t possible months, or even moments ago.

The colourful lights triggered it in me

Just when I’d thought that that part of me was dead.

Dead as those I came in close contact with.

 

Death surrounds me wherever I go,

And as soon as I get close to someone

They get taken away from me painfully

Like getting a part of my body pulled off of me.

It would have been better

If Fate had me in Death’s path

Rather than my friends and family

Because this way, it would be painless

Rather than having my heartbroken endless times.

Now, I have no heart

And I feel nothing

For anyone else or for myself;

I’m alone in the world

As Fate had intended for me to be,

And I have created my own life for myself

By digging a bottomless pit

That’s too big to be called a grave.

 

I go through each day

Trying to pass it with minimum contact with others

And work until I feel like Death himself

So I feel nothing;

Except for the physical pain from the exhausting work

I put myself through every day.

 

 

But this day, the colourful lights playing

On my window

Triggered something deep within me

That I’d thought I could never wish for again.

That something that is so powerful,

Yet so fragile,

And dangerous at the same time

Getting up,

I smile feeling hope.

Author's Note

I wrote this poem from the depth of my despair. Not really true, but I feel what the narrator feel in the poem.

Earlier this month, I lost a sweet friend of mine.
Earlier this week, I lost my dear grandfather.

This poem is for both of them, for though the darkness captures my heart with both their deaths, I want to believe that they are 'up there' watching over me.

Thank you.

Reviews

[Daisy Morgy]

aww this was such a lovely poem, well written and brilliantly thought out!!