Not Even

There is always a way, even when you think nothing will work anymore.

Sometimes, 

More so than anybody would ever wish for, 

I feel so unbelievably down under. 

So depressed, I thought it was impossible for anyone to feel like this, 

and I sure wish it was. 

Not even my favorite things in the world can heal me, I feel. 

Not even the music I used to love, 

The songs that give me an explainable rush, 

they don't give me the same impact as they used to. 

Not even a hot shower, 

That washes away my troubles, 

I still feel dirty when I turn off the water. 

I even wait until the hot water turns cold, 

and I still don't feel refreshed when I step out. 

Not even the love of my cats, 

I've been away from home, where my cats live, for months now. 

I feel like that love has been taken from me.  

Not even conversation with my friends, 

I feel like I will become more distant with them as I speak. 

I don't want to lose more friends from my troubles. Although I just want to be happy with them, they don't believe me. They just think I am toxic. It digs me even deeper. I can't even see the hole I've dug myself into now. 

Not even reading, 

I feel lonely, so maybe curling up with a good book can heal a wound or two. I have a book in my hand, I must not be alone with these words. Though then I realize I have no patience to sit down and let the words come to me, for my head is too busy with the s**t going on in there. I had to say that, because it really is true. 

Not even writing, 

when I finally decide to put pencil on paper, 

I lose my want to write what was on my mind. 

It was even hard to have the energy to write these words. 

I remember, I used to have so much energy. 

I wonder if I sucked everything out of my battery. 

"Olivia, you changed." 

I was told. 

Yes, I am hearing you. 

I did. I did not want to, I wish I did not, but I did. 

The things that gave me joy aren't the same, I feel empty. 

There has to be a remedy for this. 

Not even sleep will let me escape, 

There is no way out, 

Is there? 

All of a sudden, everything is pitch black, until I suddenly see a burst of light. 

Hyperventilating.... 

What? 

Wait... 

Now I am aware. 

That was a nightmare, 

I was trapped, nowhere to go, 

but now, 

With a heavy breath and a yawn, 

I hear the birds chirp. 

Now, I know, 

With the thoughts passing by, 

There is a way, and

Not even my moments of entirely lost hope will make me come to a stop. 

Reviews

[Asante]

I love this poem! It's one that I can relate to from beginning to end, that feeling of deep-down hopelessness, and you being the lone person who can pull yourself out of that despair. Feeling disconnected and discontent with things that once meant it all to you. This piece was one I'm sure many can relate to. It read like a little story, giving us a peek into the window of your life. Great work, Livi. :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You have given a really hopeful message in this composition. Indeed there is always a way for everything despite the shortcomings of life. Nice reading it☺

[Inject Positivity]

Wow!!! That's truly a heartfelt write... Your way of sharing your struggling moments was outstanding, it hits home with the message you were trying to convey through this poem... I have been there and I still reach those stages of my life every now and then but after conquering in the first time now I know that there is always a way to get out of it, so I patiently wait and try my best to keep myself strong enough for the better days... Your honesty with your true feelings makes me want to give you hats off... So beautifully delivered the whole message...

Dhiman))