New girl in a new city

This is a story about a girl who moved to a new city early in her life. It talks about how she adjusted there.

“Oh God!!! I’ll be late again.” Thinking this, I pushed the button of my scooter and left hurriedly for office. As I was out on the society road, I saw a seven-year old. I stopped abruptly... She looked new and seemed nervous. She was standing in a corner. Seeing her, my mind’s camera started rolling.

It was a Saturday evening. We had shifted to our new house in a new city, Ahmedabad just a day before. I had always been a bubbly girl and even at the tender age of seven I could talk to practically everyone.  Excited, I went to the common area, after all making new friends was a cake walk for me; at least that was what I thought. But I saw very few people. I was surprised. I thought I would hear kids screaming and aunties gossiping. But I just saw cars, stray dogs, few big boys playing cricket and two girls, who seemed to be of my age sitting on a car bonnet. I went to them and introduced myself. They were not the friendliest of people but I thought it would be fine eventually. I just sat there thinking that they would talk to me but they didn’t. When I was about to go, they said, “We are sorry, we don’t understand Hindi”, in a mix of English, hindi and gujarati. I was very upset. The next few days my mum also came with me to help me mix with new people. I did manage to find people to play with but that didn’t blossom into a friendship due to the language problem. After a while, I just stopped going down and would sit at home the whole day. To drive away my boredom my mom bought books for me from a library. Eventually, I got drowned into books and as they say, “they became my best friends.” The once talkative, playful girl had now become a serious, book-loving introvert.

Then came the seventh grade where we shifted to a new house in a new society. This society reminded of Saksham. Here everyone was so lively. But I had become so withdrawn that I didn’t feel like going down initially. Eventually, due to the repeated attempts of my family and neighbours(yes, they were that sweet) I went down hesitatingly. After so five years, I saw so much hustle-bustle. It felt amazing. I played with the kids and oh, they were so warm. Now playing became a routine. However, due to my shyness that friendship couldn’t blossom beyond a certain level. I again stopped going down, even on social gatherings and became withdrawn in my studies. Even at school, I had a limited circle of friends. It had become to talk to anyone and everyone and joke like most others of my age.

In college again, I have a small set of friends. Now I even understood the local tongue well, enjoyed the local flavour, roamed around, but the same thing bothers me. I can’t scream, talk, laugh like I could before. That bubbly little girl is gone forever.....”

Then my scooter came to a halt and so did my thoughts. I had reached my office.

“Oh my god!!! I reached safely despite being so absent-minded, well kudos to my driving skills. After all, nowadays reaching safely with good, concentrated driving is also not a surety.”

I work in Sunsilk India, as a marketing executive. It’s a small cubicle but it’s fun. The peon walks in with the files and chuckles, “Mam, yesterday’s tea....”

“Yeah, here you go.”

“Hmm, mam...”, he handed me the extra hundred rupee note I had given him by mistake. I was not surprised as my fifteen-year life in this city has made me used to such honesty.

Lunch is a grand affair. It is when the cosmopolitan vibes of the city come through at their best. Theplas, roti, subzi, chhole bhhatura, poha, pasta, dosa etc...With food from all across India, kuch was no less than a hotel buffet or maybe even better. You name it and it is here.

Office work was monotonous and fast-paced.

I went home early that evening. I was eager to meet the new girl. At first, I couldn’t find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her in the other park sitting on a swing, looking upset.

“Hello, I am Niranjana. You are?”

“Deepali.” She suddenly blurted, “Do you know Hindi? I am new here. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone. No one seems to understand anything except gujarati here.”

I understood the connection. The same thing happening again, but I won’t let it. I held her hand and took her to the park. I introduced her to everyone there and scolded the kids for being not welcoming earlier, as I knew that language was definitely not a problem here. Things sorted out. In no time, Deepali was playing and enjoying with the other kids. After that day, I saw Deepali every evening in the park. I felt really happy. I had saved a happy-go-lucky child from becoming a loner. Every Sunday, she came to my house to learn gujarati to help her adjust here faster. She was like a house on fire, chatting and blabbering non-stop.

“Niru, my chatter-box, my always working tape recorder, please let your sister talk for sometime now..”, my cousin said sarcastically.

The Sunday gujarati lessons had now become a weekly routine, a routine which I deeply cherished. Dips, as I lovingly called her, was a sweetheart; in whom I saw my past, she seemed to be a mirror reflection of me. Even she loved reading, the only difference being that the books didn’t shut her mouth. Well, I guess some credit goes to the gujarati teacher as well. Ahem.... Sundays that were spent doing household chores and missing my parents(they were now in Delhi) were now dedicated to this cute, little girl who never ceased to amaze me; be it her quick learning abilities, her witty questions, her beautiful handwriting or her sweet, melodious voice. I never thought I would be good with kids, but she proved me wrong, fortunately. Her parents were equally sweet. We all bonded well; I now had a family away from home. Days were happier and this reflected in my work-oriented performance too.

Aapnu Amdavad, as the locals call it, is famous for simple living but also for celebrating festivals, especially Navratri and Uttrayan with utmost gusto and fervour.

It was September, the month of Navratri. This being Dips’s first year in Ahmedabad she too was equally excited if not more. Well, I always preferred to stay away from such loud celebrations; would go down once or twice for half an hour so, that’s it; these celebrations continued the entire night. Navratri meant nine nights of GDP(garba-dandiya party) and adorning oneself with heavy traditional costumes, the Ghaghara, jewellery, tattoes.... Law Garden, the street market of Ahmedabad, the Mecca of Navratri shopping would come to life at this time; even we flocked to it. After seventeen years of living in this city, this was, just my second time here; well, I guess till date I have always been a new girl in a new city. But, “would it ever change?”, I wondered. As soon as we got out of our car, I saw Dips’s eyes; she was amazed, the loud yellow lights, the heavy mirror costumes and jewellery, the white silver work, the Kutchhi embroidery- all seemingly merging into a mysterious painting. Deepali loved the new world in front of her. We shopped till we dropped. I even got a temporary tattoo done on her insistence; it was fun but very unlike me, a completely new outlook, for the first time I thought I was going to celebrate Navratri like a true Gujarati, and I was right. I felt a child-like excitement; as if like Deepali, this was my first time too.

Dips was stubborn; each day she wanted to go to a different venue, every place must have some uniqueness she argued. Even my counter-arguments failed as I had been to just one or two of the places. Dancing everyday on concrete and mortar (that is what our housing complex could offer) didn’t satisfy her; she wanted to experience the joy of dancing barefoot on wet mud in huge circles, heavy crowds; she didn’t want to miss the true spirit of the festival. So, succumbing to her demands I arranged for passes. Each day, different venue, different costume; we danced till the wee hours and I even learned dandiya.

These nine nights were a revelation; overwhelming, leaving me overjoyed. Since my friendship with Dips, the list of my first times in this city is becoming endless. After all, the new girl (P.S. girls) in this new city, now could proudly call herself an Amdavadi.

Author's Note

this is another version of my story. I have changed the second part. More editing needed. I would like to know what you think about the plot.

Reviews

[Utkarsh Singh]

deepika firstly , when i read the title i thought that it will b the sa,me story as it was in "wake up sid "
"new girl in a city " so its my humble request not to use such title because after that i was half hearted and was not willing to read the full story but i read it and it feels quite interesting to me and differnt to me from that one .......liked your story very much ,.......the way you explained the indian culture very well , indian dress "ghangra" etc......typical indian food ....liked that very much ......errors and mistakes no need to point out again as already mentioned by emma .......over all story is really very good .....

[deepika]

Thanks for telling me about the title... Haven't seen the film, so didn't know.. the title came naturally.. I guess it was the most obvious one.. i will think of a new one.. thanks for liking my story

[Nathan Carpenter]

Evocative. I would like to visit your setting. I've already been your character. Good job.

[vaishnavi]

it shows the journey of your life actually i could understand the problem of languages it happened with me too i went for vacations and their local language was out of my mind... lol
i could not completely relate to this but could partially do i have also shifted to a new town and their students in my class were so weird that i thought not to talk with them then i started living away from them and indirectly from me and my happiness they were having a different point of view towards me
but then i took it as my bad luck and still we are not livings as friends but are talking how much is needed then we are all on the different ways.... i was a happy brave and jolly girl but then all was not so perfect here i was so lost in myself that i became like you now also i didn't understand what to do and this made me a writer here i write all my problems here and lighten the burden from me :)

[deepika]

Hey vaishnavi.. m sure many Indians who migrate to other states face this problem at some point in their life... I have combined fiction with reality. The friendship between niranjana and deepali is fictional..

[vaishnavi]

oh is that so....
i thought it is a real life piece by the way it is a good write

[Emma Olsen]

"drowned into books" is kind of awkwardly phrased . . . I'd say 'immersed' or 'drowned myself in books.'
"I didn’t feel like going down initially" What do you mean by 'down?' Were you on a hill? I think you mean 'socialize?' Not entirely sure.
"After so five years, I saw so much hustle-bustle." I think you have an extra 'so' in here.
"It had become to talk to anyone" A word's missing here. "It had become hard"?
"nowadays reaching safely with good" I think you mean 'safety.'
"The peon walks in with the files" As a note, I had to look this up, but generally 'peon' is used as a kind of insult in America so it came off to me as a bit mean, even though apparently in Asia and India it just means an unskilled laborer. Just a cultural difference to consider.
"In college, when I saw my friends with their boyfriends, friends flirting, I too badly wanted a boyfriend or atleast someone to flirt with." Better phrasing: "In college, when I saw my friends flirting or with their boyfriends, I also wanted a boyfriend - or at least someone."
"I was the boring, bespectacled girl in a pony." Is 'pony' slang for 'ponytail?' I've never heard it shortened before.
"The same thing happening again, but I won’t let it." Maybe: "I didn't want the same thing to happen to her that had happened to me."
"for being not welcoming earlier" would be better phrased: "for not being welcoming" or "for being unwelcoming" (or 'mean?')
"Deepali was playing and enjoying with the other kids." should be: "playing and enjoying being with"
"chatting and blabbeing non-stop." Do you mean 'babbling?'
"please let your sister talk for sometime now.." Awkward phrasing . . . but maybe just because 'sometime' needs to be 'some time?' I would just get rid of the 'sometime/some time.'
"which the city’s rich brats" That's a bit mean . . . Why do they deserve to be called 'brats?'
"Choosing the right dress, the right hairstyle for such parties was a pain, still I would manage a decent look everytime." Better: "Choosing the right dress and hairstyle for such parties was a pain, but I always managed to pull it off and look decent."
"“I have reached.”" Better: "I have reached the place." (Substitute whatever appropriate noun for 'the place.')
"My uncle just expired." Not sure if this is another cultural difference in words, but this sounds callous to me. I'd use expired for food that's gone bad, mostly, a human being I would say that they've 'passed' or 'died.'
"There Lalita was with her family" Latika or Lalita?
"We all barged in" 'barged in' suggests you are unwelcome.
"Everyone was loud, screaming" 'wailing' . . . ?
"After a long time I had talked to someone like this" better: "It had been a long time since I talked to someone like this."

So, as said below, there are some confusing parts here, and I think it has to do with how you've structured this. The little girl comes out of nowhere and then just disappears, where I wanted to kind of get to know her and have you, as the author, demonstrate how the little girl changed the main character's outlook on the world. (It looks like you mention her in the beginning, but I'm so side-tracked by the time you get to her that I don't remember her.) This is part of your main problem: instead of showing, you tell. What I mean by this, for example: "I was eager to meet the new girl." This is an example of telling. You're not letting me experience and interpret the main character's feelings and interactions. Therefore, as a reader, I'm not investing myself as heavily into the story because I'm not allowed to see anything. A better rewrite, this time with 'showing:' "I walked briskly, my bouncing step perhaps betraying the eagerness I felt to see the little girl again. I caught the curious gaze of a woman and slowed, my cheeks turning a bit pink." Do you see how I've tried to demonstrate something about the character? To show how she moves in the world and give some example of how her character is not only perceived by herself, but also the outside world? This is an issue throughout your work. You are constantly having the main character tell the reader about her past, her life, her interactions without any room for interpretation. I'm forced into her perspective. Instead of seeing that she feels socially rejected and alone, I am told. I'm not allowed to see the interaction, only given the narrator's interpretation of events. I'm given no imagery, no scene descriptions, and no character descriptions, really, I'm just kind of told to take the narrator's word on it all. While this is a good tactic to produce an unreliable narrator, I'm not sure that's what you're going for here, so it's not really working. You gloss over broad details and moments that could be expanded and shown to me in many instances. Instead of seeing the change in the little girls social interactions, for instance, I'm told that things change over time. This is also a problem I bring up because it makes time a really confusing factor in here. You're missing ample opportunities to show character development, either of the main character or the secondary ones. While I think you have a good story at its core, this way of writing makes this version of the story sound more like an outline. In many cases, I think it may be better to bring up examples from the past that support characters' stories and personalities. For instance, Niru's past is relayed to me in this huge chunk. It might be better to try to use her interactions with the little girl to show how and why she identifies with her. Snippets of memories could be more interesting and meaningful than the full accounting you give here. I'd rather you show me an instance where she felt rejected and establish within that instance that this is a pattern. Realistically, I think that this story should be much longer and that the side characters need a lot more development. They're reading, right now, like 2D personae placed within the story in order to demonstrate points about the main character. And, well, yes . . . they should be doing that, but they should clearly have lives, motivations, dreams, and goals, too. What is Latika's (Lalita's?) goal? Who is she besides the friend who has a loved one pass? How does the death affect her? Moreover, how does Niru react to the news in a way that establishes the way her and Latika's/Lalita's relationship works? Similarly, what does Vikram see in Niru? Has he always been interested and she didn't notice? Or is this recent? You tell me that they connect, but I don't see it play out. I don't get to know his character and what they both connect on, what they both consider important. I'm not allowed to see how that connection shapes and changes both of them - why he, in particular, would be her 'Prince Charming.' What would he think about that? Who is he and what are his flaws? His strengths? Typically the 'prince' is a construct, while real men can be much more complicated. My boyfriend is very loving and caring and treats me well, but sometimes he can be close-minded and stubborn because he hasn't experienced a lot of the world. This is not a bad thing, but it is something that sometimes conflicts with my world view, as a person who's traveled a lot and met a wider variety of people. Painting a character as 'perfect' does them a dis-service when it comes to character building. It's why Superman is kinda boring compared to Batman. There's no room for him to grow and change. His character is flat. Dialogue is your main way of showing how secondary characters think and act, so make sure you use it effectively and try to make responses consistent and unique.

Overall, I think you have a good story structured here, but you need to put some more time into editing and expanding this so that you lead me through Niru's changes and show me how all these interactions affect her and make her who she is. Show me how other people interact with her. Is she really isolated because she's just not familiar with the language? Or is there some other reason that she has to realize, accept, and change? After reading this, I know who she thinks she is, but I'm not sure I know who she actually is. This reads like an early draft to me - which is fine! When I write I tend to have my first drafts be similar to outlines and then go in and edit them to make them more like a story. Just keep working on it. Let me know if you want me to look at a rewrite or another piece in the future. Good luck!

[deepika]

thanks a lot emma.. i have started writing again after a 4 year gap. your feedback is really helpful. i ll work on it and come up with the rewrite in a week's time. even i had my doubts about some characters but i kept writing with the flow. i also request you to read my story MOM-A CLASSIC PARADOX and give your opinion about it.

[Emma Olsen]

Alright. =) Let me know. I have a bunch of reviews to do right now. If you could send me an email with the request so I don't forget it, that would be helpful. I go off my inbox. I had about 10 people request this week, so yeah. lol I'll try to get to it as soon as possible, though!

[deepika]

my bad... m sorry

[Emma Olsen]

It's all good.

[Marie]

A little bit cofusing, the way it angled back and forth, but it showed me anther culture, which I alwasy love. A very colourful piece.

[deepika]

thanks for liking my story... I have edited it... if you have time, please go through it...
thanks once again..

[deepika]

hey guys, please say something about this story. its very special to me. I really want to know what you all think about it. Please do comment, good or bad doesn't matter.